AIBU to want to stay with my child at a birthday party?

Safety in numbers . If there's 6 plus kids in a room with a couple of adults where's the actual ( not imagined danger)

Leaving aside any of the different choices people make for their kids, I’m guessing if the OP had said ‘I am not ready to leave my child at a party without me’ the mum would have understood and the OP could come supervise. It’s an entirely different situation to bring a toddler to a 5 year old’s party. There’s no way anyone should be judged for saying no thanks to that.

Do you think supervising one child is the same as supervising 6? And the issue here is exactly that we don't know what adults.

Oh dear, Your little boy won’t goto many party’s if you invite yourself and two year old along.
🙄

I have my opinion and that won’t change either. You are the outlier though. As most people seem to think dc need to learn away from the anxiety of parents.

I find it hard to understand why my parenting, and 31 other sets of parents and their choices for their child, bothers you so much? I have my opinion, and it won't change, only I know when my child is ready.
If it works for you, then fine, go for it. It doesn't work for us.
A residential with teachers and teaching assistants who have a DBS and a relationship with my child is very different from a parent they see occasionally for a minute at school pick up. That is my choice.
Why does this bother you so much? I'm not telling you how to parent your child. Surprisingly, people can parent differently and i can accept your parenting choices without having to agree with it.

@BookArt55Why would he need to be responsible for his safety at a party with other dc he knows and presumably parents you know? That’s really taking it too far and I’ve never taken dc to a party at age 7 where all parents stay based on safety grounds. The parents had our phone number. My dc went on residential trips from age 6. However in terms of parties you and your friends seem very over cautious and my dc didn’t need to know where I was at all times when in the care of others. I think having that amount of distrust is not healthy.

There is not one parent in my son's class who leaves their child alone at a party.
You do your way, I will do mine. And seeing as my son's father is not a safe person (and the other parent's have never been aware of it, and still aren't) shows that they have their own boundaries that haven't been impacted by my experience.
My son isn't limited in any way, he's independent, confident and knows I'm there when/if he needs me. But at 7 he doesn't need to be responsible for his own safety and to judge who is safe, that is an adult's job. It also does depend on the child, so it is a parent's job to make that decision based on their child and not just because of what everyone else is doing.

Most parents stay at parties at this age but it surprised me because when I was a kid I don’t remember my parents ever sticking around at a party! I HATE kids birthday parties and even RSVP no sometimes as a result because it’s not how I want to spend my weekends, it’s just a nightmare. The ones in softplay aren’t so bad but these have died down in recent years and it tends to be community centre ones like the 90s with entertainment and the parents standing around gassing. Not my scene 😂.

@BookArt55 I’m afraid you are not really being rational. Not allowing dc to experience a party on his own at 7 is not rational. It’s obviously all about your fears but most of us really don’t do this and at parties, amongst school friends, dc are safe. What else is he unable to access on his own? Sounds very limiting to me.

I don't think you're wrong to want to stay with your 5 year old. My son is 7 and every parent still stays. I've worked in Safeguarding, and I've left an abusive ex so have seen too much and know how well people can hide their true selves. There are now a couple of parents who are at the point of leaving their child with me for a playdate, they now I have a DBS and we have built a relationship where we understand each other's parenting styles. I would not be leaving my child with an acquaintance that I say hello to on school pick up. My children are learning to trust their gut, about consent, not keeping secrets etc. But I know that neither of them would ask to phone me for an early pick up just becayse that takes a next level of confidence.

I would politely decline the party and thank her for the invite. I would then be organising playdates so that you can build relationships to work towards these situations.

Unfortunately it isn't all people who are bad, but it is some. And it isn't tattooed in their forehead... wish it was.

And your job and history have made you more aware of the dangers then the normal person. Once it happens to a child/person, it is extremely hard to work through it.

In reality though the kids are not unsupervised during a party. There's going to be at least 6 of them . And some adults.

Only because there's greater opportunity. By leaving young children alone in a house during a party partially unsupervised you are creating an opportunity. That is the issue.

I think it’s very unrealistic to expect a nearly 2 year old to sleep through the noise of a party and, if they wake up, not join in. Either take them for a walk and drop off your older child or decline the invite.

Children around here are as well. Safeguarding has gone a bit insane, sorry.

But it's far more likely that a child's own relative or close family friends would be the abuser

Whrn my kids were little it was the norm for kids to be dropped as soon as they were able to use the toilet independently. Kids who could be independent with the right parenting are infantilised!

I always allow single mums to bring siblings to parties as the children would miss out otherwise as they just couldn’t come if the other kids couldn’t.
however I expect them to ask not tell me! And I host parties at soft plays etc not at home- at home there isn’t space for buggies etc.
You need to arrange childcare for 2yo (if you don’t have options for this, you need to develop them via play dates with mum friends, get a cleaner tha can babysit, etc - I’ve had to build up these supports which means investing time and money!), ask a mum who is going to the party to bein charge of your child too, or sit this one out.

Is it illogical? Really? When we look at the stats for domestic abuse, sexual abuse and abuse of children? When we look at the fact some 5/6 year old children now have full access to their own smart phones?

I work in safeguarding and tbh it's very worrying to me when I hear parents describe this as unfounded worries. Op is being very appropriate.

School is a completely different situation, very structured, trained and back ground checked staff monitoring the children, policies and processes to keep children safe in place and no random adults about. Children are only with their peers.

A party in a random house you've no idea what older siblings could be present, older relatives or neighbours drafted in to 'help', if there will be alcohol or those adults will be drinking, if there's a pattern of abuse in the home. If the children have access to Internet and how that's being monitored. If they have an open door policy when kids are playing together. If they have large dogs in the home etc. Not a clue. So don't gaslight a parent for being worried about sending a 4yo off int a strange house on their own for a few hours. How does a 4 year old get back in contact with their mother if someone makes them feel uncomfortable at a party?

I also work in safeguarding op and tbh I feel 4 is much younger than I'd be comfortable leaving them unattended at a strangers home. I'm surprised so many on here are OK with this actually, there's not a chance in hell I'd be leaving my child in that scenario. Even from a physical safety perspective how is the other mum planning to manage that many kids alone, who else has she arranged to help and who are they etc.

I would be inclined to message the mum back and say "i totally understand and just to clarify I wouldn't ever expect for 2yo to be involved in what you've planned and would bring them their own snacks and keep them occupied while the rest get on with the party but if space is an issue (I know what it's like hosting) then that's no problem but we'll have to give it a miss as I don't think dc is quite ready to stay solo yet. Maybe we can arrange a playdate for them separately and can do a mini celebration for Xdc then, let me know when suits if you'd like to do that."

Just so she knows you weren't expecting your 2yo to be accommodated and paid for in the party but also you're not going to be leaving a 4yo unattended.

I think it's hard op because as demonstrated on this thread people have very different thresholds for what they feel comfortable with and you can't be worried about offending when it comes to what's right for your kids. You probably should have phrased it as "is it alright if 2yo comes with their own snacks and I keep them entertained" rather than telling, but can't do anything about that now just chalk it up to experience.

Drop & go or don’t go at all.
Unless the party is in a big hall it’s unreasonable to think there would be space for a parent & sibling for every child invited.

In a class of 25 kids, that would make 75 people. If it was your party, would you have enough room for that number??? So often on here parents complain their kid has been left out of invites as not enough space to invite everyone in the class, so be grateful your child has been invited and reciprocate when the time comes. If you start being like that now with the first party invite, wave goodbye to others, word soon gets round and your child will be the first to get cut from the next invite list. Don’t let your issues & insecurities rub off on the next generation. It’s highly unlikely any harm will be done so take the couple of hours as free childcare and spend it with your toddler.

@amber763 I agree. It’s because the parties seem to include parents! If the party doesn’t you drop dc off and go. In my school community hardly anyone had class parties as there were 30 in the class. It’s not reasonable for lots of parents to hang around in someone’s house. Very quickly DDs friends had parties that were treats, eg a trip to the cinema for just a few dc. No parents.

I feel like parents staying at parties is a recent thing. My entire time growing up and attending a lot of parties, not once did my or any other parents stay at parties. Kids were dropped off and picked up.

They're not being unreasonable. If they don't have room and you're not being unreasonable to have your own safety standards, so I think you'll have to decline this one.

I'd decline the invitation, no way would I leave my child in the care of someone I barely knew.

I think getting overwhelmed at Reception age is perfectly normal when first getting used to parties! If I kept him home how would he build up the resilience and independence to do it later? YMMV but at that age kids were still inviting their whole class and renting a hall and entertainer. Big siblings have always been welcome to avoid people declining due to childcare, and because they were usually recent ex-classmates anyway (small infant school, close-knit community). Parents always stayed to socialise with each other and because 15 - 20 children should have more than one family to keep an eye on them. Lots of parents with little ones and prams too. Smaller parties were either soft play type thing (most parents stay but close friends might carpool the kids) or more informal at home. Nobody is obliged to do it this way, of course, but nobody would think I was 'hovering' by staying at a party in my community.