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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP says I'd look younger with hair and make-up, AIBU?

314 replies

CurlingChamp · 19/03/2026 23:50

I’ve been out this evening and was chatting to two much older men (70s/80s) that I’ve known for some time. My age was mentioned along the lines of “well you’re younger than my youngest son, and he’s 44. You’re about 42 aren’t you?”

As a soon to be 48 year old who runs on 4 hours sleep with 2 young children and a full-on job, I was pleased with the compliment…

…until I told my DP, who thought about it and said “just imagine if you did your hair and make-up, you’d look maybe 37”.

How would take that comment from your DP?

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 20/03/2026 10:01

Happytaytos · 20/03/2026 07:41

Why are you expected to do it?

Unless he's previously made comments I'd take it as a joke. Then I'm comfortable in my lack of hair and make up and so is my DH.

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This!

I'd have laughed - it was a joke!

And I'm saying this as a woman in late 50s who has a greying buzzcut and never wears make-up.

Dragonplant · 20/03/2026 09:57

Everybodys · 20/03/2026 09:52

Presumably depends on context. I too live in a city but the bulk of the women I see each day are on the school run and perhaps the shop. They do not generally appear to be wearing much makeup, or if they are it's extremely subtle. It would likely be different, even living in the same city, if most women I happened to see each day were going to their professional jobs, or in bars. Which used to be my life too, in the same city.

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Fair enough, I'm no longer at the school run stage, but a lot of the mums I did see then were wearing some makeup.

Villanousvillans · 20/03/2026 09:56

Bloody rude.

AgnesMcDoo · 20/03/2026 09:54

Your DP is an arsehole

Toomuchprivateinfo · 20/03/2026 09:54

I wouldn’t take it well!

I’d probably ask why he wants me to look younger than I am. Make him explain himself and his sexism.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 20/03/2026 09:53

BloodyBoilingInHere · 20/03/2026 09:05

Honestly, it seems to me that he didn't like that you felt good about yourself after a compliment and so reflexively issued a veiled insult to take you down a peg or two.

Question is, why would someone who is to love you want you to feel bad about yourself?

I agree.
Even when I know I look like a bag of crap, my DH tries to make me feel better, not worse.

Piccante · 20/03/2026 09:53

CurlingChamp · 20/03/2026 07:36

I think I’m just annoyed that he took a genuine comment and turned it into something else I’m expected to do.

But does he actually expect you to do it, or is that an expectation you've put upon yourself?

He was talking out of his arse. Wallow in self-pity for 24 hours, then - with or without makeup - continue living your life as you see fit!

RobinInTheCrabApple · 20/03/2026 09:52

"anyone thinking society doesn’t judge both the inside and outside then they are very naive indeed"

Anyone caring about how society judges their appearance is making a rod for their own back.

Everybodys · 20/03/2026 09:52

Dragonplant · 20/03/2026 09:46

Really??!! I live in a city and pretty much every woman I see young and old has done hair and makeup to some degree. Not saying it’s right or wrong - each to their own, but its an observation I see every day.

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Presumably depends on context. I too live in a city but the bulk of the women I see each day are on the school run and perhaps the shop. They do not generally appear to be wearing much makeup, or if they are it's extremely subtle. It would likely be different, even living in the same city, if most women I happened to see each day were going to their professional jobs, or in bars. Which used to be my life too, in the same city.

pizzaHeart · 20/03/2026 09:51

I was wondering and asked DH how would I react in this situation .
He said that the comment was very stupid and I would be very cross if he said so. He said that he usually comments after I did hair and make up so AFTER a change, whereas here the comment implied that the change was needed which was different.
so I was wrong about my own tolerance.

RobinInTheCrabApple · 20/03/2026 09:49

This is the first time I've heard the phrase 'curated woman'
Fucking hell. What have we become.

Worrying on any level about looking younger is a hiding to nothing.

RaspberryRipple3 · 20/03/2026 09:49

I think it depends on whether he has form for being critical of your appearance or if there is context that makes this sound worse than he meant it. If my dh said it to me then I would take it as a joke, as he’s always complimentary of my appearance, is always sensitive to my feelings if I’m feeling low, and is my biggest supporter generally. However, if he was critical of me, was telling me I’d stopped making an effort and generally didn’t like me getting “above my station” then I’d be insulted. So it’s hard to say how you should take it as depends on how you generally are with each other.

iamtryingtobecivil · 20/03/2026 09:47

Well would you?

I do once I’ve got some eyebrows on, red skin covered up and v light make up.

If I have grey roots (salt and pepper not sleek sliver) and look older

BUT does it matter that you look younger or older to others? And less about being able to modify perceptions of age through hair and make up

Dragonplant · 20/03/2026 09:46

diddl · 20/03/2026 09:30

most people look better with their hair and makeup done.

Well I would say most people don't do hair & make up.

Really??!! I live in a city and pretty much every woman I see young and old has done hair and makeup to some degree. Not saying it’s right or wrong - each to their own, but its an observation I see every day.

Playstoppaws · 20/03/2026 09:44

I'd be booking my DH in for a back sack and crack wax and telling him won't it be great when he doesn't look so wretchedly old and hairy.

noidea69 · 20/03/2026 09:41

Surely if you enjoy being complimented by men, which you did from the older fellows, then you are placing then a value on how men view.

You cant really complain then when another man says you would look younger with make up.

You can either care what men think or you can not care, you cant cherry pick.

OrangeAxolotyl · 20/03/2026 09:38

It's like grey hair, isn't it? Far more acceptable on men than women.

UnseenAcademical123 · 20/03/2026 09:38

I think he probably intended it as a misplaced compliment, which was just not articulated very well.

Everybodys · 20/03/2026 09:37

Wildgoat · 20/03/2026 09:32

Men are routinely expected to do grooming, just male grooming and there is no point pretending men and women are the same, no one needs to wear make up but anyone thinking society doesn’t judge both the inside and outside then they are very naive indeed, how we present also counts. I suspect you know this, but something about your appearance makes you resentful of it.

if it didn’t we could all walk about unwashed and in old joggers with hair like a birds nest and everyone would be clamouring to get to know what’s inside, we’d still be taken seriously at work, or in social settings, and dress codes wouldn’t be a thing.

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It's interesting that you jumped to unwashed there. Because if you don't wash, sooner or later it will create a smell that's unpleasant to other people. Whereas no unpleasant smells are created by not wearing mascara every time you go out of the house.

Whatever one's feelings about the broader appearance issue, there's an obvious difference between something solely visual and something that's more than that. I say this as someone who does wear makeup sometimes.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 20/03/2026 09:37

DappledThings · 20/03/2026 09:11

I do my face every morning, even if I'm not going out, and it takes two minutes.
I like my face. It doesn't need anything doing to it.

I get that some women enjoy the ritual of skincare and make-up and it comes under the heading of not for me but whatever floats your boat. But anyone who feels they need to do their face up to look acceptable or polished or any other way of expressing it I find both infuriating and saddening.

This is it for me. Yes, I look good with makeup. But men are accepted without it so I don't feel I should have to cover myself to be acceptable.

OrangeAxolotyl · 20/03/2026 09:36

pizzaHeart · 20/03/2026 09:35

Do you think it sounded a bit accusatory like you are not making enough effort? Because my DH could say something like that but it would be as a matter of fact comment. It’s true for me - I do look younger with hair done and make up on so this comment won’t bother me.

Do you look "younger" or just more formally presented?

Calliopespa · 20/03/2026 09:36

MissPrismsMistake · 20/03/2026 09:34

Is there anything you could do to get more sleep [with 2 small children]?

Get a better husband who does his share of night duty?

He's too busy curling his hair.

OrangeAxolotyl · 20/03/2026 09:35

Wildgoat · 20/03/2026 09:28

Two things.

most people look within 5 years of their age , it’s very hard to get it right, and nearly everyone guesses younger than they actually think, because it causes offense and and compliments the person. If I think someone looks about 40, I’d say 35/36?

so I’m afraid I’d assume you look your age, as nearly everyone does.

your partner was very rude, but I suspect it was as you were taking it as a serious thing, so he put you back in your box.

Unpleasant behaviour, he should have said yes you look fab and allowed you that moment to feel good about what the old men said.

Yes, to all of these points, x 💯

pizzaHeart · 20/03/2026 09:35

Do you think it sounded a bit accusatory like you are not making enough effort? Because my DH could say something like that but it would be as a matter of fact comment. It’s true for me - I do look younger with hair done and make up on so this comment won’t bother me.

MissPrismsMistake · 20/03/2026 09:34

Is there anything you could do to get more sleep [with 2 small children]?

Get a better husband who does his share of night duty?