DP says I'd look younger with hair and make-up, AIBU?

It’s one of those men just think differently to women situations.

Woman: I was told I looked younger than my age today (expectation that man will agree and say she looks lovely)

Man thinking looking younger is clearly important to her, let me offer a suggestion which will help make her look even younger.

Now if he laughed and asked if they had a gulde dog with them, then that would have been insulting.

Men are routinely expected to do grooming, just male grooming and there is no point pretending men and women are the same, no one needs to wear make up but anyone thinking society doesn’t judge both the inside and outside then they are very naive indeed, how we present also counts. I suspect you know this, but something about your appearance makes you resentful of it.

if it didn’t we could all walk about unwashed and in old joggers with hair like a birds nest and everyone would be clamouring to get to know what’s inside, we’d still be taken seriously at work, or in social settings, and dress codes wouldn’t be a thing.

Why are you only getting 4 hours of sleep? That's not sustainable at all, and its bad for you, especially in your 40s. Is there anything you could do to get more sleep? Im not trying to be an arsehole but I couldn't function on such little sleep if it was a regular thing, most people couldn't, even if you think you're fine.

Aside from that yeah your dh was a bit of a dick to say that but it was probably just a joke, especially if he had also had a drink. He should have just let you have the compliment and kept his mouth shut though

most people look better with their hair and makeup done.

Well I would say most people don't do hair & make up.

Two things.

most people look within 5 years of their age , it’s very hard to get it right, and nearly everyone guesses younger than they actually think, because it causes offense and and compliments the person. If I think someone looks about 40, I’d say 35/36?

so I’m afraid I’d assume you look your age, as nearly everyone does.

your partner was very rude, but I suspect it was as you were taking it as a serious thing, so he put you back in your box.

Unpleasant behaviour, he should have said yes you look fab and allowed you that moment to feel good about what the old men said.

Because it's what's inside that counts and I've got more important things to spend my time and money on.

I don't do things to my appearance that men aren't routinely expected to do just to pass as human looking.

Can just say doesn't matter if you look older or younger. What's wrong with looking old?

I would tell him if he wants to be married to a 37 year old to piss off and find one that will put up with him.

What a horrible thing for him to say!

I dunno, I told my DH he'd look younger and fresher if he shaved his beard a bit shorter, and use some moisturiser on this tired skin. But perhaps I am just as bad!

I think this is one of those where it’s impossible to gauge without actually hearing the tone in which it was said or knowing the dynamic.

Dh often says he'd like me to have red long nails, make up, long dark hair again and a tight low cut top . I just roll my eyes and tell him we're not in the 80s anymore and that was when I last wore any of his list. Prat.

I’d take it as overt sexism and ageism. Because it is.

Does he consider doing his hair and wearing makeup to make himself appear younger? And why is it important to look younger? Are older women not valued?

It's because a lot of us don't care enough about what you and people who hold similar (sexist) beauty standard views think to inconvenience ourselves. I like wearing make up sometimes, and did used to have a job where it was essentially considered part of looking professional. So, while sexist, that was an example where there was something in it for me. But I'm just not in a position where I need to take into account your perceptions of attractiveness day to day, notwithstanding I do wear lip balm in cold/wind.

I don't say that to be rude. But it's the answer to your question. People do things relating to their appearance either because they like it or because adhering to other people's perceptions of attractive, smart etc benefits them in some way.

I'd be annoyed too op, especially as I'm guessing you had done something with your hair - washed and brushed it etc. What's he meaning you need to do: full curler set or something?

The only thing I would say is, if I think hard about the situation, I possibly wouldn't have bothered passing that comment on to DH. (Not saying I wouldn't have privately enjoyed it!). I can see how the situation might have benefitted from filter deployment - especially if I imagine DH coming up to me saying "Guess what compliment on my physical appearance two women just gave me!" I'd probably prefer he just kept it to himself - especially as your DH might have been feeling much older than 42 (or even 48!). The word "crowing" kind of springs to mind.

But even if that was how he felt, he definitely didn't rise above his feelings!

People or women though?

Why don’t men need it to look “fresher”?

“I would have perhaps suggested that you could look 27 with 4 hours more sleep every night - and that you'll be reassigning the household chores to facilitate.”

love this!!

This

🙄🙄

Do you mean “women” when you say people? Or does your partner/dad/son/brother have his hair done and wear make up?

I do my face every morning, even if I'm not going out, and it takes two minutes.
I like my face. It doesn't need anything doing to it.

I get that some women enjoy the ritual of skincare and make-up and it comes under the heading of not for me but whatever floats your boat. But anyone who feels they need to do their face up to look acceptable or polished or any other way of expressing it I find both infuriating and saddening.

You dont have to do it but objectively he is probably right! I would either make more effort with my appearance and respect my husbands opinion or call him a c*ck and we would move on

What a nob! Unless you’re a cougar and he’s an adonis I’d be telling him to do one and highlighting one of his areas of sensitivity….. thinning hair, paunch, growing ears , toxic personality! There’s a famous quote that my meno brain can’t remember exactly, but in your scenario it’s a long the lines of ‘ I can put make up on and my hair up and look younger but you will always be ugly’( inside or out!)

I bet you don’t struggle with men who don’t do this though.

You say ‘people’ but in reality the expectation is very much that it’s women who will put in the time, money and effort to look younger or better.

I’d genuinely like to be more like this. Apart from doing make up when not going out. I don’t think anyone should have to but I enjoy the times I do manage to be put together.

As it stands if I’m clean and manage to brush my teeth properly we’re doing well. Some days are better than others. It isn’t as simple as ‘it only takes two minutes’ unfortunately, I wish it was. It’s not about time management, I have time.

Honestly, it seems to me that he didn't like that you felt good about yourself after a compliment and so reflexively issued a veiled insult to take you down a peg or two.

Question is, why would someone who is to love you want you to feel bad about yourself?