AIBU to complain teacher asked about estranged mum in front of friends?

Putting the teacher asked but aside, if your daughter does look like bio mum and you live in a fairly small place where everyone knows one and other, this will happen a lot.
I look a lot like my mum when she was younger and when I started my first job at 16, id have people around my mums age asking if she was indeed my mum. So moving forward it'd be an idea to have that discussion with your daughter so she is prepared for that in the future.

Yes, speak to the school, but bear in mind that the teacher might not have known, or had forgotten, that she was not to mention the mother. Teachers are expected to know so much about the (many) students they teach. This includes allergies, sensory problems, preferred friends, necessary separations from other students, exam concessions for disabilities (which are varied and plentiful), medical conditions, preferred pronouns (which can change like the weather), medications for conditions and whether students need to leave class to take it, whether students genuinely have a music lesson at a certain time, which students could be triggered by mentions of domestic violence, sexual assault, divorce, death, grief, sickness... it's difficult to spin all these plates.

I'm a teacher, though, and I'd be pissed off if the pastoral system hadn't passed along information this important, so if that's where the procedure has failed then they should know.

Do you feel like the teacher has some connection to the mum and is doing some inappropriate digging?

If so I'd definitely have a word with the school.

Sometimes you just feel that something is off and you write as it you feel that way here.

I would raise it as safeguarding with school. Sounds like her mum is trying to use the teacher to get info? No harm in flagging to school and explaining court order in place and no info to be passed on and it made her very uncomfortable. I hope she is ok. How did she respond?

Agree. They need to know this. They may also want to consider switching her to a different English class. It's likely teacher meant nothing by it but it's unsurprisingly affected your DSD and school would rather know now that have her skipping classes or school over this.

Does she strikingly look like her mum? If she doesn’t, and doesn’t have the same surname, how on earth would the teacher randomly make the connection?

I am estranged from my family. It is common to come with lots of complex feelings including shame. I would absolutely want a meeting with the school about this and I would expect the teacher involved, and others, to have some type of training on the trauma associated with estrangement.

Is there a court order in place or anything legal preventing the mother knowing about her daughter? You say the safeguarding lead is aware but may not have shared this with other staff. Maybe you need a conversation with the safeguarding lead about the teacher and whether all staff need to know that details are not to be shared. However this often requires the school to have something in writing stating this and if it's only an agreement then it becomes difficult to enforce.

This sounds like no big deal to me.

As someone with a complicated family history, I don’t think it does DSD any favours to pretend that someone who does exist, doesn’t exist. It just internalises lots of issues. Giving your DSD a safe place to express her upset and confusion is lots better than pretending her Mum isn’t in this world. Having talked through a plan if she saw her etc.. that she may have feelings about seeing her mothers likeness in her looks is a better way forward.

it should be a safe space for her so definitely contact them, you are not making too much of it

TBH I would be concerned that SD's mum is pumping her contacts for information.

You said that you didn't think that the rank-and-file teaching staff were even aware of the background so it might not have occurred to her that there was a potential safeguarding issue.

Yep. There was absolutely nothing there that would warrant asking SDD if they were related. I'm generally the last to jump to conclusions, but I'd be 99% certain that the teacher knew the backstory. And if she did, that question was inexcusable.

I'd contact the head of year as that's the usual first port of call for pastoral responsibilities and ask that your email is shared with the safeguarding lead at the school. Don't frame it as a complaint but as a safeguarding concern and that you are seeking reassurance as a parent.

It's not as important that the teacher "gets a flea in her ear" as she needs a professional conversation about the reasons that her comment have a bigger impact so she can learn from it.

We live in a small town and have the same surname as many family members who have had a very different school experience than my sons. I understand that your SD doesn't have the same surname but that sometimes staff know or learn of a connection that they weren't aware of and especially in a high school with more staff and pupils, there's every chance this particular teacher didn't know the full extent of the history between your SD's mother and her.

Both these things can be true: your SD was worried and upset AND the teacher was naive and ignorant of the impact of her words.

School as a whole need to know so they can look at their safeguarding policy and internal communications as you're right, this shouldn't have happened.

Well if she is I think this post should come down - because this thread is visible to a lot of people and has the potential to be crossed over to other social media platforms

If the OP really wants to protect her step daughters privacy maybe hinting at what the mum does from home isn't the best idea

If you’re saying she’s a prostitute are you worried/should you be worried the teacher’s husband has made use of her services and she is trying to dig for info?

you’re not being clear with what the conversation actually was. Like are you related to… your mum? Or is the mum like a page 3 porn star type level local celebrity who everyone knows in that area?

So she doesn’t share the same surname as her mum and lives in another town, yet the teacher made a connection on a vague ‘has the look of’.

Seems unlikely to me, and given the history, also a bit odd. I’d definitely be raising it.

I completely disagree. What information do you have to suggest that?
I live in a small town and teachers ask my son if he’s related to “so and so” or if “welshpolarbearsdh” is his Dad. It’s just what happens when you live in a small town where everyone knows everyone.

I think in this day and age, the teacher should and probably does know better. Speak to the school.

I doubt your step-daughter's background has been shared with every member of staff, who teaches your daughter. The fact the teacher has been teaching your daughter since the start of term, is irrelevant, it still doesn't mean she has any idea of your daughter's background.

The teacher asked a question. There was nothing wrong with the question. I doubt the teacher asked, to be malicious or to cause upset. Of course, the subject of her Mum, is a difficult subject for your step-daughter, and I can understand why she's upset. The teacher obviously wasn't aware of this or the background.

Speak to your step-daughter and come up with a strategy that will work, if a question like this were asked again. It might not be in school, it could be out in the local town etc. It's far better for your step-daughter to have a generic answer to hand.

You could speak to HOH and ask if an email could be sent to teaching staff, asking them to refrain from asking your daughter family related questions, specifically regarding her Mum.

What was the context if they have a different name? How did the teacher know?

I don’t think it’s appropriate anyway? whether the teacher knows the backstory or not?

if you dsd had asked ‘miss are you related to ….?’ Would the teacher answer or is it crossing a boundary? It’s nothing to do with the lesson and there’s no reason the teacher needs to know.

id speak to safeguarding

As a teacher OP, I can tell you that I think that teacher was totally out of order. Even if she wasn’t privy to the details of your DSD’s story, in knowing her mother she knew ‘enough’ not to ask. I would never ask personal questions of any child and if they (primary school age) volunteer personal/private information that I think are not necessarily other people’s business, I nod or smile professionally and move the subject on…
I also don’t think it’s fair for others to assume your DSD should have replied with “I’m happy to discuss this with you privately” - she is a child and was caught totally off guard by an adult in a position of authority who should have had her best interests at heart. Absolutely phone the school and ask to the speak to headmaster/headmistress about this.

There are loads of blended families like this and if you have an unusual surname or look similar to siblings in a small geographical location, then someone is going to ask this question at some point.
Teachers in UK schools are placed in an impossible position, particularly in secondary. They may be teaching hundreds of different students and can't memorise everyone's personal circumstances. At the same time the current mantra within schools is for teachers to try and take interest in pupils as individuals. So they are dammed if they do and dammed if they don't.
I find it interesting that DSD texted you to complain as it would suggest that rather than develop her own resilience and strategies to respond to this, she is expecting you to wade in and " punish" the teacher for what I think was an innocent enquiry.
If I were in your position I would not go in guns blazing quoting " safeguarding". I would have a talk with DSD about formulating a response to a question that is quite likely to come up again.
If you really think you need to speak to the teacher, get the school office to tell him to phone you. You don't have to go into details with the office about the reason for the call, and as important GCSEs approach surely it is better to try and keep relationships with your DSD' s teachers positive?

I'm a teacher, and I can't think of any reason for a teacher to ask this child if she's related to someone (with an entirely different surname) that isn't nosiness or muck raking. Especially if she used to work with the mother. I think it's 99% certain that she knows the background story.

Don't go to your neighbour, do as a pp said and contact the safeguarding lead. Keep it professional.