AIBU to complain teacher asked about estranged mum in front of friends?

Don't speak dept head at the weekend , they are entitled to work life balance, a break , its quite a boundary crossed

send an email , the fact you are a neighbour they should take extra care on monday

I doubt the teacher meant anything. I felt terrible when I asked a child if they were related to a boy I’d taught 20 years ago as he looked so similar. He said it was his uncle but they didn’t see or speak to him. I later found out he was a convicted child rapist, obviously I would never have asked had I known. The uncle was a lovely boy when in school and it wouldn’t have crossed my mind he’d do such a vile crime as an adult.

its something i ask all the time usually to do with siblings who look alike but for all know i could inadvertently say it to a child who has trauma connected to a sibling

Please don't take to heart any of the hurtful posts.

i think talking to the Assistant Head over the weekend is probably the best way forward.

Teacher needs a flea in her ear, it was an unnecessary & intrusive question & to ask it in front of others was awful.

im glad your SD has you 'mothering' her.

🌷

Definitely don't complain the teacher has done nothing wrong

why cant she say yes but we are no contact , ? Or “ no “i if she doesn’t want to get into it

she no doubt has been asked by friends and will be asked in the future by friends etc

she needs to have a couple of responses ready for social situation where people adk about your family

“ dear head of year , as you know x x has had a traumatic few years and us currently non contact with her mother , she would prefer not to be asked about it it , many thanks “

they can refer her to counselling

I wonder what makes you think this comment is even slightly appropriate.

As a teacher I'm afraid I have worked with some immature teachers who seem to have no emotional intelligence. I suppose that is the case in all walks of life.
For a teacher, though, relating to children of any age, inappropriate comments have repercussions.

As others have said, this does need to be taken up with the school.
For the staff training days, issues like this should be discussed, for the benefit of the youngsters who spend many hours in school with teachers as the adult throughout the day.

Yes go and have a conversation with the school. I don’t know why that is relevant to anyone and why would a teacher ask that. Weird.

You still haven't answered my questions about whether there is anything legally to stop the mum accessing information. As I have previously stated, that if the mum did want to make contact via the school she could obtain information unless there is a court order blocking her.

Nor do they need to. Just don't ask prying questions, particularly I front if others.

Hardly difficult!

What?

why did the teacher even think it appropriate to ask, let alone in front of other people??

I would speak to the school. Its not appropriate or trauma informed and it should be, but you need to share the backstory if school are unaware

Worth pre-scripting responses with your step daughter for the next time this happens (not necessarily in school but I can see it happening again). 'We're estranged' 'We're related but I don't know her' 'Haven't been in touch with her for years'. '$Teacher knows about it, but it's too hard for me to talk about'

It's hard in secondary schools for all the staff who teach a child to be kept up to date on the things they should know about them (leaving aside info a child doesn't want shared widely). When you speak to the school it's worth going through what they can realistically do - can they get a note to all of her teachers? How much info does she want her teachers to have?

Your response, presumably indicative of the way you speak to your SD about her mother, confirms how worrying your attitude is.

You may be the world’s best stepmother and a wonderful person. Your SD may be very lucky to have you in her life, doing the "mothering" she has not received elsewhere. The other woman may be a neglectful mother, an abusive mother, a violent mother, an appalling mother - but she gave birth to your SD and is still her mother ("birth mother" if you prefer) and nothing you say or do can ever change that fact, and you shouldn’t try to manipulate language to pretend otherwise.

OP when I initially read your post I thought you might be overreacting but to ask this question of a child like this in front of peers does sound at best sloppy and unprofessional and at worst a potential safeguarding risk. I don’t know what the rules are and I know people all know each other in small towns but it does seem odd.

I do think you should speak to safeguarding, belt and braces, if only to give your DSD peace of mind and to make sure that its on the school’s radar.

Great that you are such a great advocate for your DSD.

Why is "mother" in inverted commas? She might be an appalling care-giver and a dreadful human being, but she is still your SD's mother, the woman who gave birth to her, and always will be. This in no way diminishes your role in your SD's life: it is just a fact, and it strikes me as worrying that you seem to want to deny it.

I am not sure whether I have missed it, but from what I have read only the safeguarding lead is aware of the family issues. The OP said she didn't know if the information had been shared with all staff.
Also unless there is a legal document (court order) schools cannot prevent a parent with parental responsibility accessing information if they wished to do so. Yes that wasn't the case here, but given the OP wasn't there to hear the context it could be that the teacher genuinely wasn't aware of the no contact with the mum and didn't realise.
I used to work in a secondary school. Each year a document was sent out to teachers concerned with a list of students who had court orders in place stating no access for mum/dad and what to do if that parent called. In some instances (possibly like this one) if there is no court order it might be that the information would say no contact with mum (court order pending). If mum contacts the school please direct the call to safeguarding lead and not class teachers. If mum turns up at the school do not let Rosie leave the classroom she is in, safeguarding lead to meet mum.

It should very much be as a complaint @Mwwoman! The teacher's question was so crass - and in so many ways - that it would be fair if the OD complained straight to the teacher, and in front of everyone at pick up time.

However, I believe that @justaboymummy has more dignity, and far more importantly, the desire for the very best outcome for her DSD, so she wouldn't actually allow anyone (if she had the power to stop them) approch the said teacher in public, about such a personal and sensitive matter.

But, @catipuss, that would make that teacher's question even worse!.
No teacher, or any sort of professional person who works with children, should ever make a casual - personal - comment to a child, whether it was a genuine mistake or not.

I am so angry on the behalf of the OP's DSD, and on behalf of @justaboymummy herself. I am also very disappointed with all the teacher apologists reading the OP's thread, and yet still coming up with some inane and pathetic excuses as a reason why the teacher 'should not have' made such a serious error of judgement...

It was insensitive but not really going to warrant much than a quiet convo.
it might be worth booking a meeting and having a chat with how best to support your sdaughter with the trauma so there is a plan? As this sounds like ptsd. All the teachers need to be on the same page.

What if she just knew her by name but not anything about her.