AIBU to refuse BIL’s 40th holiday we can’t afford?

So your MIL wants you to be in debt so your dh can go on holiday he can't afford? I can see why your BIL is spoilt as she has brought him up like that. She should be telling him they cant afford it so maybe do the holiday yourself and I will arrange a family meal at home for your birthday

I do hope your DH doesn't capitulate; that really would make you look like the 'problem'! You may need to have the balls for the 2 of you!

Sounds like the in-law family from hell!
Stick to your guns and don't be bullied.

I have a SIL who has always wanted to arrange big get-togethers despite the wider family not really being bothered. We meet up separately but the big meet-ups are usually at her convenience (time & location) and everyone is supposed to fall in with her plans.
Luckily she moved to the other side of the country so after the initial "yes what a lovely house, you are so lucky to be here etc etc" big events are out and visits are much reduced.

You've told him you don't have the money to go.
What else does he expect you to do? Pull money from the money tree in the back of your garden?
I'd be saying to them "we'd love to come, but as we said, we can't afford it. Are YOU going to pay for us, then?"
If they want a week long holiday, they've got to accept that sometimes that means people can't make it.

OP tell MIL her lending money to you is not a solution- it’s debt. You do not have the incomings to meet the debt.
DH can’t afford to go and that’s that.
MIL is clearly a bit dim - ignore her.
One thing in life you do absolutely need to be controlling over finances as in, in control and she’s right there! That’s how you keep a roof over your head, you he kids fed and clothed

They haven't offered a solution. The loan is money you haven't got and a debt you don't need. What part of you don't have the money to pay for Vegas or to repay a loan don't they get?
Are they that stupid or just entitled, arrogant and immature.

Then what you have is a classic DH problem. He obviously hasn't been clear enough with them about it absolutely not fitting in to the family budget.

He's being wishy washy with you and letting you take the blame, while most probably secretly hoping that you will indeed cave and let him go.

I can’t remember the last time dbro and I spent either of our birthday together, let alone on holiday. Do you normally travel together? It seems a very odd expectation and more about being seen to be a unit and frivolously spending for the sake of it.

Of course she’s blaming you! I would assume you and your DH made a decision together about not wanting to go into debt to the ILs.

Your MIL is batshit suggesting you go into debt ove a birthday in a country where agents might even turn you away or detain your at the border. Absolutely mental attitude.

Taking on debt to go to someone’s birthday party abroad is nuts. MIL is being controlling by meddling in your finances and insisting that you go into debt for a holiday.

I can’t believe they think this is worth going into debt for. They sound very immature and you are right to say no.

I would say she is the controlling one, trying to guilt-trip DH into a debt neither of you wants.

😂😂 controlling because you don’t want to spend money you don’t have. I’d stop talking to her.

So many OPs give up on their threads.

This
it’s like when people get married and expect people to attend expensive stag & hen do’s and oh by the way, its £1000 but everyone is “treating” the hen (who’s usually better off than everyone else!!) and so can everyone pay an extra £50 😱

it’s along the same lines I would just say no I can’t afford it end of x

Wow - if the brother was so keen on people coming perhaps he should lower the bar on where he goes. What a lavish expectation to put in a family (you didn’t say if you have kids) or whether you live in America - if you don’t then the price would be insane.
I recall a stag once wanted to do this and even did a presentation on how they could save for it, needless to say it didn’t happen as after the excitement died down everyone bar 1 person realised they could not afford or justify it. We’re in uk so it would have been expensive.

BIL is the one being unreasonable here.

What an ask/expectation/demand for ANY celebration. Who are these people??!!

Thanks for asking again but nothing has changed and we are still unable to have a weeks holiday anywhere for the 40th celebration. Have a great time. X

I would hope most would agree with you. The BIL is ridiculously self-indulgent. If he needs a week to celebrate his existence, then he should bloody well pay for it.

Who on earth has a week long holiday which they expect extended family to come to for their 40th? What an entitled chump. Tell him you are happy to have a drink or dinner with him to celebrate and to get real.

We had this when BIL decided to get married in Australia. We had 4 dc under 9 at the time and no spare money. In-laws went on and on about attending. I said no based on flight time and cost and they suggested just DH went. He said no because that would mean no family holiday for us and me being sole parent for two weeks.
in-laws went on and on about it even though DH wasn’t close to BIL.
we didn’t go and when in-laws got back they said the flight was awful and they could understand our decision!

Does he have enough annual leave to abandon the family for a week? Of course he'd like to go but you have to get the priorities right. Wife and kids take priority over siblings and partners. M>I>L should keep out of it! Arrange a family BBQ as there are bound to be others in the family in the same position. Frankly with the conflicts currently happening in the world I'd be staying in my own country , even if it was a freebie, first class on a cruise liner!!!

Ridiculous and selfish, does he expect you to get into debt to celebrate his birthday ? Crazy