AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

I think more than money is the feeling you never get time off without his daughter and grandchildren also being there. Which you do need. You need to feel as important to him as his daughter and grandchildren. And want him to want to spend time just with each other.
Spain, Norfolk, Greece. He may well assume you see the grandchildren as your grandchildren too. When you got together you knew he had a daughter. But it is not the same as if she was your daughter.
Spain, Greece and Norfolk. Agree a holiday budget and put in a requirement for a holiday for just the two of you….

No, as I said he can spend what he likes, despite it being disproportionate, after shared expenses are met- but the poster shouldn't pay.

Tbh, I think its difficult in a later in life marriage of just 6 years to thinks of finances as 'ours' rather than his and yours. You both had established lives, and spending patterns, his including an adult daughter who he wants to help financially, and its a bit difficult to come in and want to change his habits of 26 years in such a short time.
He wants to do these things. They are things that benefit him too and I doubt he'll give them up easily.
If I were you I'd think about separating at least part of your finances so that at least its 'he pays...' rather than 'we pay...'. I realise that doesn't put more money in his pocket to do things with you, but at least you're not spending your money too.

I don’t think the op answered if she and her husband have ever gone away alone together.

I would assume they did for their honeymoon but maybe not.

But that limit it up to the ops dh if his wages are the spare cash paying after bills and such are paid.

If we don’t believe he is being forced by his daughter these are his choices.

He would likely be choosing the same if he were single even if the holidays were slightly different.

It’s not for op the newer partner and wife to demand he stop spending time or money on his daughter or grandchildren. When she’s only part time with him paying the majority.

If they both earned the same or her more and he was trying to take what they don’t have or more than his spare after bills and such then yeah she would have a point.

Apart from Spain the op is included in the holidays.

Is it actually the money though or is the DH using all his leave to go with the daughter leaving nothing to go away with his wife as a couple

Sounds like you have a lovely family set-up and your SD and grandkids are fabulous. I wouldn’t upset the apple cart for the sake of a few quid. Maybe look at ways to make an extra few bob to fund a couples break selling extra stuff that you don’t use on Vinted, bit of overtime or something

I think this is generous, but in the context of her Mum passing away and her partner being useless, I think it's lovely that her Dad has stepped up. She has no siblings either. Are you envious of their relationship?

' it’s maybe 16 half days a year just 8.30-1,'

once or twice a week ?

as clearly you can do your shopping and cleaning during the rest of the half day

and go to work one more full day a week...

I expect your 50% of the rent on his council house is less than your 100% rent on a private property ?

could you get a Saturday job ? maybe in a supermarket as 8 hours at min wage would help a lot towards this 3rd holiday you want ?

maybe just work more then

In five years time things will look very different.
The daughter could be in a better position, e.g. in a relationship, in a better paid job.
The children will probably need less care.
In the scheme of things, this is a short period of time when you can build very sound foundations for your relationships going forward.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Your husband’s daughter needs to step up to the mark, get a decent job and finance herself. All the negative comments are probably from similar spongers taking advantage of parents. It’s fine to buy the odd lunch, my mum would have done the same but then I’d return the gesture. It’s not as though she has no child maintenance.

You are not being unreasonable. The Spanish holiday is too much.
the other things are nice grandparents things to do but she needs to start paying for her own holiday to Spain .

My first instinct if I wanted more money to do things would be to work full time.

I'm not saying the posters DH is not more than willing, or that the daughter is being grabby- but if I were the poster I wouldn't be willing for my money to be used in this way, we are not talking about funding basic needs here. This daughter was born 20 years before the poster married DH, there has to be a limit, we are not talking wealthy people here-the daughter has by far the greatest earning potential of the 3 of them, she should get some childcare and a better job if she wants lots of holidays etc.

But you presented it as a commitment which is sufficient that you can’t increase your hours of paid work, OP. Either it is or it isn’t. Shopping and cleaning for a two-adult household is not two days’ worth of work every week 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you aren’t willing to increase your income via more paid work then you need to have a conversation with DH to re-evaluate your spending priorities and the division of household labour.

Saturday lunch is probably the most precious part to grandad, maybe make it a family dinner at yours twice a month but dont drop it. The Spanish holidays are short, I think it would be mean to drop them. When the children are both in school then daughter can maybe take over paying for them.

You dont have to do all the housework, your husband should be doing some too. Personally I'd want to work more, share more housework and let grandad keep all the Saturday lunches. If you did an extra day you'd still be able to do one mornings child care and maybe grandad could take a few days leave and pitch in or daughter can pay for a holiday club.

It's called being a family. If you want to be single and hoard your own resources for your own excursions then do that.

Plus the OP says she already has a nicer council house of her own anyway.

So you share finances so you are paying towards all this stuff

i get why you want a holiday just you two

agree sat lunch can be at home

I think what’s important here is the ‘we’ aspect.

You haven’t been together a massively long time in the grand scheme of things. So, do you both put all your money in a pot - therefore you are contributing- or does it mean you can’t afford the holiday yourself and he doesn’t have enough to contribute ? Because in that case , he is choosing to spend his money on those things?

What you’re asking to change is things that hold a lot of memories and a fantastic relationship between a father and a daughter. I most certainly wouldn’t change the Saturday lunches , that’s his time with his daughter and she’s lost her mother so you can’t take that away from her either. The swimming lessons won’t be forever , they will get bored.

The holiday to Spain is clearly very important to him because of the memories of her mother and her heritage and he’s trying to keep that alive . I don’t think it would be unreasonable to cut down the amount though , maybe 1 less holiday or for her to contribute .

The daughter would have to live there to inherit the tenancy. That's a fact

Read the update - we now know it’s as I said, not as you said. OP has in fact, stolen the daughter’s chance to inherit the tenancy of her family home.

OP, as others have said, you would have received a much more amiable response re working more from me at least (and I’m sure others) if you’d updated that you provide childcare. I think it’s worth weighing up the cost of an additional days work vs holiday clubs for the daughter or cutting back on one of the holidays - talk to your husband about your wants to see how you can make a couples holiday happen.

edited to add: 16 half days are not insignificant- that’s about £1k a year savings. If she recieved UC, she can claim 85% of this back. Could be worth offering to front the first payment until she is paid back to make the transition easier.