AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

I think you all sound reasonable, and maybe just some tweaks are needed.

Yanbu to want a bit more for yourself here.
It doesn't make sense to me that DSD gets 3 holidays when you get 2!

Maybe approach DH and say you love how much he cares for his DD and DGC, and you too. That you'd like to look at ways to continue doing this while also being able to put aside a bit more money for you both to enjoy a break as a couple once in a while. You could suggest:
Him making lunch at home for DGC on Saturdays and putting the money saved into a little savings pot.
You taking up term time work on your extra 2 days, and him stepping up more with your households tasks.
Saying you are open to any suggestions from him if he'd like a couple of weeks to think about it.

She doesn't sound greedy, he sounds nice AND you sound nice and you are allowed to need a bit more for yourself.

If he's not opening to adjusting at all that would be a shame. In that case I would look at boosting your income and using that money to treat yourself. The kids are young and there could be another 15 years of this.

Edit to say - please do not downplay your contribution of childcare and maintaining your home!

Can the Spain trip be moved to every other year and then you can alternate with your own holiday with DH?

This is certainly not 'Financial abuse', have you RTFT?

So you think this man shouldnt be able to spend his earnings on things that make him happy? What on earth do you spend your disposable income on then - things that make you miserable?

As for what the daughter will do when her dad dies? I assume mourn him like most people do when they lose someone they love. Obviously she won't have the holidays with him anymore, that's not a reason to stop the holidays now. She also won't be able to speak to him anymore so do you think she should also stop speaking to him now because "what will she do when he's not there anymore"?

The OP can't afford to bugger off and buy a car and a holiday. She only makes £1200 a month. She would have to work more hours just to be able to afford her rent and basic living costs.

You need to increase your hours.

She's his daughter, and like it or not, she's been on the scene a lot longer than you have.
I'd tread carefully because he's always going to choose her and his grandchildren over you.
And you risk looking like the wicked stepmother.

Your husband sounds like an absolutely wonderful father.

I lost my dad at 6 and my mum was a single parent who struggled financially. My grandparents stepped in and took us on holidays every year, paid for swimming lessons as well and frequently took us out for dinner/lunch or day trips out.

What he is doing doesn't seem excessive, especially as dad is the only support for his daughter, given the child's father isnt about and the mother has died.

If it ia a huge issue for you, the only way to resolve is to separate finances and ensure that your husband is the only one contributing to his daughter.

I think you will find this is called ' Financial abuse'. This, in my experience, is a ONE WAY FLOWING STREET and it's a very easy trap to fall into. Been there done that. Just because its FAMILY does not make it right. If I was you I would keep a Ledger and Log full payments in the Leader. I would not mind betting that your husband has no idea and has become desensitised to the generosity flowing out from your side. This irritates me no end as plenty of youngsters are forced to pay their own way in life and can't leech off older parents.

I don't think either of you are unreasonable as such.
But maybe now it's warmer weather they could have a picnic rather than the cafe every week or make one holiday a cheaper option so you have time for your own.

I was assuming just Grandad, daughter and two young children.
I go out for lunch with a friend quite a lot and I reckon we each spend between £10 and £15, on a light lunch/brunch - avocado & eggs on toast/breakfast sandwich/baked potato and pot of tea for two. Yorkshire prices!!

On what? £200 a month? Dream on haha

YABU, the realisation is she has been his daughter a lot longer than you have been his wife! He subsides you and you’re comfortable with that! The Spain holiday keeps her and her children close to her mother’s family which she and her dad obviously want! I suggest if you want more money not asking your husband to stop helping his daughter which he clearly enjoys and up your days from 3 days so you earn more money!!

I also have family in Norfolk and looked at caravan prices last year. Haven sites were fifty quid for 5 nights in a 6 berth in April (wayyy more in school hols but sounds like they aren't that age yet?) so I wouldn't be too worried. Can he cook lunch for them on Saturdays instead? Are you living within your means or is this spending getting you into debt? If it isn't and you'd prefer to save then it might be worth thinking about what you would like to be saving for. Most parents would like to be saving for their kids future.

This nails it.

They kind of are. Ask a swimmining instructor. Particularly baby/mum lessons.

Different perspective. I lost my mum at a young age and also became a single mum. My dad wanted to do as your husband does and my stepmother was like you, would rather not. It was a really difficult experience for me and I always knew she’d rather I wasn’t there.

@Sgreenpy please show me a cafe where 5 people can eat out for £25. That wouldn’t even buy egg and chips with no drink my way.

A lot of these things are for him as well so they are improving his quality of life.

I see nothing wrong with it but then I also think money comes and goes and frequently spend my (limited) disposable income on friends and family. What is meant to be spent on you/your money will never miss you, no matter how much you give to others.

If you are having to penny-pinch after all of this then YANBU.
It is excessive.

@cestlavielifeof course café lunch is extravagant. It’s for 5 people and it’s weekly. It’s also being paid for by a GP receptionist and a council worker living in a council house.

Now if they were high earners then fair enough. Dh and I earn well and we wouldn’t do this. In fact we rarely eat out .

I think you sound like a lovely family who all treat each other well, and it would be a great set up if you had enough money for yourselves as well. However, YANBU to want some outings and holidays with your DH. I wouldn't want to only eat out / go away with my DC as a GP so I understand your position. The question is, does he feel the same? could you broach it and see what he suggest - how could you save money to have a holiday together etc?

I think cutting the October AI holiday would be the simplest way to afford your own holiday, while still keeping the other holidays. It just depends if your dh is willing to cut that. It does sound like you all have regular quality time together as well as the holidays.

I would not cut the swimming lessons, partly as it's probably only £50-70 a month so the cheapest contribution you make, and partly because the DD would have to take over the payments and might struggle now she's used to it.

That’s ok then. I was just wondering! I still think the holidays are excessive though and you should definitely have one where it’s just you and DH.

When do you get quality time with just you and your DH, OP?