Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

530 replies

Loisy · 19/03/2026 06:19

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

  1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
  2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
  3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
  4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
  5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

OP posts:
Mmmchocolatebuttons · 19/03/2026 06:27

It sounds quite normal tbh. It's lovely that he wants to do this for his daughter and grandchildren.

I think you're only option is separate finances if you don't want to contribute.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 19/03/2026 06:27

None of that sounds extravagant...bar the swimming lessons and her break in Spain the rest include you guys too. Would you go on holiday without her? If so, then the only additional cost is to bring them.

Cafe lunches and swimming aren't a huge expense.

Does he earn well? Presumably he funds this from his income not yours?

Soontobe60 · 19/03/2026 06:26

I can see this from both sides, he wants to support his daughter, you want a better financial situation for yourself.
I would suggest that you separate your finances, both put an equal amount into a joint account to pay for household things and he can use his remaining money to fund his daughter.

PermanentTemporary · 19/03/2026 06:25

The only question I would have is whether you could host the lunch which would surely be cheaper. And personally I think swimming lessons are a scam, though obviously they don’t - just take them swimming on the holidays instead.

You couid suggest those things but I don’t think you’re going to get anywhere much. Im afraid I think spending on your child and grandchildren is pretty normal otherwise. Sounds like a lovely man.

99bottlesofkombucha · 19/03/2026 06:25

If that’s how he wants to spend his money op… it all sounds nice, the swimming lessons do sound like something anyone would want to do, as do the family holidays. But if you don’t like it make sure you’re not financially contributing I guess.