AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

He’s spending money on ‘good’ things - time together, connections with family and roots, life skills. All things she presumably couldn’t afford otherwise. It would be different if it was just giving her random money while she lived a better lifestyle than you. I think your husband is a lovely dad and granddad.

However, if you as a couple can’t afford all of this, then it just needs an honest conversation about what is affordable and what your joint spending priorities are. Costs of everything have changed, you both presumably need to start planning for retirement. So you need to look at your budgets and spending and saving together.

the holiday to Spain isn’t about a holiday - it’s about connection to her Mum, what a lovely thing for her Dad to continue to value

I would separate finances and let him pay out of his share.

The holidays that are currently paid for… are they during term time? If they are, this is the perfect time for you to raise the point that once both gdc are in school, holidays will have to be taken during school holidays. Which can easily double or triple the price. This needs to be looked at now.

This is the kind of sacrifice that people willingly make to improve the lives of their own adult dc and dgc but I'm not sure I'd sign up for subsidising somebody who wasn't blood to my own detriment.

I'm not sure what can be done. You could, as the pp suggested, rejig your bank accounts to create a theoretical division of your money and he might be forced to curb his spending but I don't think you can outrun the resentment that you will have that his 'we' is him and them and your 'we' is you and him.

Not if they cant afford it, which he can't

I cant imagine my dps paying for my holidays!
Its really OTT.

YANBU

He sounds like a lovely man. Which I'd find very attractive.

Which bit of what you spend would you like to cut down on? Perhaps that could be a starting point?

What a lovely Dad is she his only child?

I think he sounds lovely. I understand your perspective as well, but it sounds like his daughter has very little support given she lost her mum at a young age and her children's father has all but abandoned them. I would embrace it in your shoes because it sounds like you have joined a lovely, supportive family. FWIW I see swimming lessons as a non-negotiable life skill.

To be clear, he is wanting them to pay for THREE holidays a year for his daughter. Not one.

I think that's excessive when it's affecting their finances so much as a couple.

can you suggest the saturday lunch is held at your house occasionally instead?

(Without wanting to derail the thread - I paid a breathtaking amount of money for two terms for my son to allegedly learn to swim, which he couldn’t really do at the end of it. I took him swimming every day for a week on holiday and he was doing lengths).

Parents spend money on their children however old they are. It’s just what happens.

Not sure you can change this @Loisy

He puts a high priority on his relationship with his daughter and grandchildren which I think is lovely. None of it sounds hugely extravagant and if paid for out of his pocket then shouldn’t be a huge problem.

If you suggested saving for something you wanted to do what would he say? And agree that Sunday lunch at yours might save some money?

He seems to prioritise family bonds: this woman lost her mum and is raising two children alone and you want her dad to stop helping her remaining connected to her parents families. I'd honestly keep your finances seperate and say nothing in this situation

One of the most ridiculous comments I've seen on Mumsnet - swimming lessons a scam?

He knows she wouldn’t have a holiday otherwise. Being a single parent of two is relentless, really no downtime at all. He wants to give her that. It’s a beautiful thing he’s doing.

Your husband probably gets a lot of pleasure and reward from supporting his daughter and grandchildren.

What is it that you want to buy or do instead?

Swimming lessons are not a scam.

Maybe stop the weekly lunch out. Holidays are a great memory when growing up. Swimming lessons are temporary.

How are swimming lessons a scam? My 7 year old can confidently swim at least 50m and has enough water sense and ability to handle himself in the water should he fall in etc. He has school lessons coming up after Easter and a lot of his classmates either can't swim or barely can. The difference being between those who have lessons and those who don't (not the 6 school ones per year). We live by the sea and I think it's irresponsible for children not to be water safe. How are lessons to learn a skill, a scam?

Just work out how many hours you are working to pay for all this , that’ll be an eye opener . I think the other thing is that they aren’t your biological family so you feel differently about this expenditure.
I think you should prioritise your own finances tbh and if your husband is wants to continue paying for all this ( which could go on years given the children’s ages ) he can do overtime or something .
What happens if you separate, that’s a lot of money you’ve spent that could have been savings .
Personally I’d pay the swimming lessons but stop all the holidays .

Good idea from @PermanentTemporary - could you have them over for Sunday lunch rather than eating out every week? And you could cut back on the October holiday and look at cheaper options, maybe UK based or every other year rather than every year?

Overall though these all sound like nice things for a dad to do for his DD and DGC.

Sounds lovely to me. He likes doing this - you would prefer to offer her less. Perhaps the trip to Spain could be every other year?