AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

ebut why do they need to continue lessons after they can swim 100m plus and rescue brick from bottom of pool. That's what the swim school said to my daughter( continue till finish primary ( nearly another 3 years)

You just can't win with this OP, there's far too much emotion caught up in it and him trying to compensate for the loss of mum/grandma.

Hopefully, once the children are older DD will get a better job, and won't lean so hard on DH.

Why are you having a dig at what op does? Or what you feel she doesn’t do? It sounds like you’re projecting to me. You seem to be making a lot of assumptions.
Perhaps you had a step mother you didn’t like very much?

In answer to your question, my husband and I spend money on joint hobbies. Our relationship is incredibly important to us. Doing things together is incredibly important to us. We have a lot of holidays and travel for months at a time. We paddle board together; buy all the kit; go for meals; and put a lot of time and energy into our relationship. It’s a very rewarding way to live actually and I totally advocate for parents to stop subsidising adult kids and start prioritising themselves more.

Oh and for your information, if I wanted to guarantee a Mon and a Fri off work to babysit in the holidays, I’d need that built into my contracted hours. In my job, you couldn’t just have that time off in the school hols. So who exactly are you to comment on when op works, how often and how she could do more? Or whether 16 days is a lot.

I wonder how her husband would feel if she said ‘hey, I’m not going to babysit in the holidays anymore for your Sandra, because I’m going to go back full time - why don’t you drop two days a week instead so you are always guaranteed Mon and Fri off’?

It's sixteen half days a year!!! Neither the OP nor her husband need to work a 3 day week all year to be able to do that.
It's generous for the OP to do it but the daughter would be able to sort it if the OP went back to work full-time. The idea that the OP doing the equivalent of 8 days childcare a year enables her husband to work is hilarious.

And you will never convince me that the OP is the victim here. I would love to work part-time but I dont have a partner to sponge off (I also have too much self respect).

The OP isn't subsidising anything. Its highly unlikely she can even afford to pay 50% of rent, 50% of car cost, 50% of food, 50% of utility bills plus her share of the holidays plus her own bills e.g. phone.

People are suggesting the OP works full-time (like her husband) if she wants more than she has. It is a luxury to be able to work 3 days a week, especially when you have no dependents.

There is no "have to". This has been pointed out to you repeatedly. The woman's father is choosing to spend some of his disposable income on his daughter and grandchildren. He is spending his money on what brings him happiness, what the hell do you spend your disposable income on?

If you hosted dinner at yours instead of your husband paying for a meal out every single week that would save thousands over the year!

Nope. I disagree. So op has a few pov now doesn’t she.

What?! The OP babysits for 16 half days per year! She's hardly sacrificing her full-time earning potential for this!

But you're right, maybe her DH could cover some of them. It's not a bad idea. That would allow OP to increase her hours at work and increase her own disposable invome, which she could then spend as she sees fit.

The daughter is 26. She lost her mum at 17. Has two young children who she is bringing up without their father. Her own mum is not around to help out. She could be relying on benefits but works. Her degree will no doubt allow her to build a career once the children are a little older.

I don't see it as wanting to 'give his money away to an adult', but rather supporting his DD and DGC as best he can, while still spending lots of quality time with his DW.

I still don't understand why a healthy 50 year-old woman needs two days a week to clean, shop and do 'life admin', and can't get a full-time job like the rest if us. Unless there's a massive drip feed coming?

The more I think about this, the more unreasonable I think she is.

The op works and contributes and also babysits for a woman who is not her biological daughter, which allows her husband to work and earn family money, which he then gives to his daughter

Are you seriously trying to suggest that her DH would not be able to work if OP didn't do 16 half days a year of childcare for his grandkids?

OP sounds lovely and very helpful and the desire to have a holiday just as a couple is very reasonable but come on. I'm sure he held down a job before OP was there devoting 4 days a week to the housework.

Well I’d assume the reason for the swimming lessons is so they are confident and are able to swim WHILE on holidays 🫣 It’s not about just taking them swimming. But I’m curious as to why you feel swimming lessons are a scam? Shouldn’t all kids be taught how to swim as early as possible to try avoid them accidentally drowning?

People are utterly bonkers. Seriously, this country has issues. When did we all have to start supporting adults?!

When I die, my son will inherit everything. Before that, I intend to bloody enjoy my one and only life. I hope my son takes the same attitude with his kids.

The op works and contributes and also babysits for a woman who is not her biological daughter, which allows her husband to work and earn family money, which he then gives to his daughter.

The daughter is 26.
And again, perhaps if he worked part time to babysit, op could go to work on those days.

She should. But so should he. He doesn’t want to because he wants to give his money away to an adult.

He’s doing a lot more than that. A lunch. Fine A holiday fine. You and I both know this is repeated lunches and holidays. It is not fair and you won’t convince me that it is.

Shopping is something you can amend - Buy what's on offer at the time, rather than your usual. Shop around - The Range, B&M, Home Bargains (all amazing offers on branded food for freezer and cupboard. The Range have started doing TGI Friday food!)
Essentials- Bulk buy from TikTok shop
Clothing - Vinted, Shein, Ebay, Charity shops, online sales, online outlets

I can’t believe someone is suggesting the OP adopts this level of economising to subsidise her step-daughters holidays

I always worked full-time, always paid 50-50
But the OP doesn't.

As an adult I’ve always paid for everything I wanted and been completely independent
Ditto

I am incredibly passionate about what is fair. I will not tolerate unfairness in any form.
And neither will I. But I think OP is being unfair for wanting her husband of two years to cut back on what he spends on his DD and DGCs, presumably after paying the lion's share of their shared expenses. What does the OP contribute?

Op deserves nice holidays as a couple. Well shouldn't she be trying ti find a way ti finance them too? Fair's fair.

Her husband is trying to be Daddy Warbucks on a budget. That, is not fair.
We have very different views on this point. Treating his daughter to lunch is playing Daddy Warbucks? Facilitating the relationship with her relatives, in the UK and Spain? Really?

Of course we do-when the child is grown up. Sadly, for some, that never happens.

But surely there comes a point when we stop paying?

Or should my Dad still be paying for my holidays? My mother sadly died too, but this doesn’t give my Dad any financial obligations

Oh God, that’s what my sister‘s, ex‘s, parents always said.

The great big man child that he was. Such a liability.

I haven’t once called this financial abuse. I just call it stupid.

If you have enough money to do that for your children, and you want to, and they’re willing to accept great.

To me it didn’t sound like OP is in the same position as you. And she seems a little bit unhappy about it unlike you. And it’s not really for you to say whether the OP has sufficient holidays either.

So therefore the response I will give you is different to the one I would give OP.

These are things parents do. We never stop parenting.

I provide financial support to my children (who are older than OPs SD) and pay for activities for my grandchildren, buy them clothes, take them out for meals etc? Would you call that financial abuse?
It isn't because it is my choice , they don't ask for anything and because I am perfectly capable of making that choice.
Just as it is OP's husband's choice. My children and grandchildren will always be my first priority. Luckily my husband agrees. I don't understand how it is in any way unfair it's just fact.
OP isn't living on a shoestring either. She goes on those holidays paid for by her husband and sometimes she goes to the Saturday lunches. Her husband pays the rent and probably the bulk of the bills. She has said herself she and her husband do spend a lot of time together.
It sounds as though they have a very nice life.
No financial abuse and no one is taking advantage of anyone. They are just a family helping each other.

Not sure if you’re referring to my comments, but I always worked full-time, always paid 50-50, worked since I was 14, and come from a more affluent background than my better half. My parents could and have offered significant amounts of support, but I have told them over and over to go and enjoy their money.
Despite that, in my 20s I had three jobs at one time. As an adult I’ve always paid for everything I wanted and been completely independent and if my husband and I divorced, I would be more than okay. However, I expect him to put into my relationship what I do. We treat each other often and he we show each other appreciation in ways that don’t say ‘you aren’t my priority’ - especially when said priority is 26.

I certainly am not a ‘wannabe kept woman’, but I am incredibly passionate about what is fair. I will not tolerate unfairness in any form.

If op had said the daughter was 16, I’d have understood the dads pov more, but op deserves nice holidays as a couple and the ability not to live on a shoestring just because her husband is trying to be Daddy Warbucks on a budget. That, is not fair.

I think we may have a few (wannabe?) kept women on this thread!

Agree 100% with the previous poster who pointed out that calling this financial abuse is insulting to those who have experienced it.

Add up how much is spent on her, see what percentage of your joint income it is, and go from there.

I’m sure the dd is very grateful her dad is helping her out. There’s nothing to suggest otherwise.

I’m just saying that transferring that generosity to someone else who, on paper, is more capable of being self supporting due to having no young kids would sting a bit.