AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

It seems extravagant to me.

I guess the key question is, does she expect it or accept what's offered?

The all inclusive in the summer must be pretty pricey (outside of Mumsnet world). We have similar jobs to you and have never been able to take our own kids on that kind of holiday.

I think you need to sit down and work out what you get the most out of. If it's time together, it doesn't need to be in an all inclusive resort.

He likes taking the kids for a treat and while they are small it's perhaps not overly expensive (agree it still adds up) but it's only going to get more expensive. I'm sure they'd be equally happy with a picnic in the park, especially as the weather is getting better (and if it involves cake).

You need a bit of breathing room for yourselves too. It also sounds like you are going away around school holiday times but neither are of school age yet??

Similar here. We couldn't get any swimming lessons in my area (sold out) so I took my son swimming 1-2 times a week and he was swimming in no time. He really came on with his swimming when we spent a week abroad.

As long as he can afford it, while still contributing the equivalent of 50% of your couple's expenses, then I think he sounds like a lovely caring dad, and good on him for keeping such a supportive role to a daughter who sounds like she needs it.

However, if him paying this, means that you need to pay more for your combined bills, mortgage, fuel, food etc. Then I would suggest he needs to scale back.

This sounds a very sensible, measured approach!

It’s sweet that he still wants to spend so
much time with his dd.

I do still wonder if knocking the October AI on the head in favour of you two having your own term time break is the answer. No one could have expected it to go on forever. Although, if he’s doing it because he likes it your husband may disagree!

In which case the savings from lunches may help but maybe don’t go the whole way.

Do you both work FT?

I think paying for 3 holidays per year is excessive. Your step-daughter has 2 holidays abroad per year and a break in the UK.... that's more than most families, with two parents working are able to afford!! The lunches and swimming lessons aren't that much in comparison. Yes, it's lovely and a wonderful thing to do, but not at the detriment of your own lives. Where are your breaks away, meals out, as a couple?? There's not much left once 3 holidays have been paid for.

Anyway, I think the obvious answer is a greater separation of finances.

I think joint finances don’t work where there are offspring (even adult ones) from previous relationships on either side, as parents naturally want to help their children, and it can breed resentment.

Generally as you move into adulthood you become less financially dependent on your parents to the point where you can stand on your own two feet. That does not mean 'tossing' anyone to one side or that you cant treat your kids to gifts or occasionally surprises.

After they can swim confidently for a reasonable distance?

I havent noticed this being the case!

Once they become a confident swimming (not just able to swim a bit) then obviously going swimming regularly as a family will do the job, but these children are little and unlikely to have reached that stage yet.

In that case I’d drop the AI holiday and do something yourselves in the summer and keep the other 2 holidays. If you feel you still want to do something in the summer together you can rent a uk cottage cheaply right at the end of the summer hols for 4 or 5 days and all meet there as prices drop loads after August bank holiday Monday and get a holiday away together and still probably save money.

Pps saying cafe lunches are nothing, 4 ppl easily could be £50pw, every week. Paying for the Spain trip is always being budgeted for, where are OPs lunches out every week and her holiday?

Also another thought....is she only keen to see her dad if he is spending money on her?
As myself and others have mentioned, support doesn't always have to be financial. From your examples it sounds like either he offers to finance these things to keep her sweet and bribe her into seeing him or she only wants to see him if money is involved. Maybe that's not the case but as others say, can the lunch in a cafe be changed to lunch at home?
Does she contribute in any way to these holidays?

I know people will come at me, but while she wouldn't be able to afford 3 holidays a year she would have money coming in from her job and benefits. Can he not support her in checking she is claiming everything she is entitled to and that the maintenance payment from the kids dad is fair?

Maybe the OP would like to go on different holidays not have them based around the SD and her kids.

I think swimming lessons are largely a scam too. But that’s for another thread. It seems an entirely reasonable amount of support for a father to give his daughter under the circumstances. And the idea of providing lunch instead of going to a cafe would save practically nothing, would make additional work and potentially add to the OP’s resentment. And probably be more stressful for the daughter.

I roll my eyes at what DP spends on his children. Now grown up. And his ex. (She’s constantly broke). We’ve been married for longer now than they were together. It took 15 years for us to have a joint account because of it. Now we pay into an account for bills etc and his money is his to do what he wants.

His daughter sounds like she needs support and he obviously enjoys all of this. It will likely change as the kids get older, you move to retirement. Maybe that’s the conversation to have about planning for your (plural) futures and how it’s going to start to look. If he’s generally careful with money otherwise, loves you and them. It all seems rather sweet.

I think it is excessive. Including them in the October holiday may change I guess once the older one is in school as school holiday prices are so much higher.
For me, funding the trips to Spain could reduce to alternate years - or fixing an amount to put towards this. Does SD work? Could she pay for her own caravan in Norfolk?
I think swimming lessons under 5 are a waste of money as it is just about water confidence at that stage - which parents/ grandparents can facilitate. Much better value from formal lessons once they can actually follow instructions and progress quickly - and then worth paying for.
I sense you feel that your hard earned money is spent on your SD and you are limited on what else you can afford to do - which does seem unfair . Three holidays a year is a lot and probably not sustainable for you to fund long term - especially once you are retired.

Definitely needs some conversation with DH about managing his daughter’s expectations going forwards. YANBU

Because the swimming classes go on and on and on even after the kids can swim.

I think between the 3 adults you’re all living a pretty nice life style given your jobs. I would want to help my dd and gc if I could. Is she appreciative of the help?

It sounds like reasonable spending on a child and two grandchildren. I’d be encouraging her to improve her earning prospects though. I can’t see her getting far with two children on a church job unless she doesn’t have to worry about housing costs.

I think it depends on your household financial split. If your earnings are subsidising his half of your shared living expenses enabling him to spend his earnings on his daughter, then that's just not fair. If you're splitting household finances 50/50 (or the equivalent percentage according to earnings) and he's spending his spare cash on his daughter, that's up to him.

If he's funding a holiday for her at the expense of a holiday for you, it's unreasonable.

What do you do on a Saturday whole he takes them for lunch? If you're alone, it's unreasonable.

This!!! DS9 had 1:1 lessons after literally years of us taking him swimming every week to no avail. He was scared of water.
He is now super confident. Worth every penny.

He's very generous but 3 holidays feels like a lot to me! Especially on what I am estimating your salaries might be.

What did his daughter do career-wise before she had the children? My sister is single mum to a young child (there is no dad) and has worked full time since he was 1. She returned to her previous professional role, albeit working from home most of the time. My nephew goes to after school club and she has a neighbour's teenager come and play with him after school sometimes. I feel like there might at least be a halfway house between church admin and a full on job?

How much do you budget/track your spending? Maybe just initiate doing that and let him see for himself how much this all adds up?

Do the Spanish cousins ever come here to visit? Seems excessive and a bit one-sided to be travelling so regularly to visit cousins abroad.

Completely different if the DSD were funding the trip herself, but this is one of three holidays a year and it doesn't sound as though you can comfortably afford it.

Treating the DSD and grandkids to an annual holiday is a lovely generous thing to do. The current set up is way OTT.