AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

would you have liked for someone to have paid for something like that you & kids?

I think that what he is spending money on makes him a really good dad. His daughter is in a tough situation - mum dead, 2 very small kids, their dad gone. Parenting is for life, not just until 18. My mum felt responsible for me up until the day she died and would have done anything to help me. She died nearly 80 when I was nearly 50 and she was a devoted parent right up until the end. Obviously it was me helping her, and had been for a long time. Not the other way around. But the sense of responsibility never ends for many people.

I would do the exact same thing in your DH's shoes. His daughter lost her mum young and is a single parent. If he can help her out, that's a lovely thing to do.

Why can't you work more than 3 days a week if you want to increase your quality of life? At the minute, you're asking him to put supporting you ahead of making his daughter and grandchildren's lives easier.

If you want more money, consider retraining, doing more hours. Could you train for a full-time career that makes more money? It would make a much bigger difference than taking away some kids’ Saturday caf lunch

Then maybe she should earn enough to pay for it?

She views the children as her grandchild and she likes those holidays as per one of the OPs post.

Spending time with grandchild is nice. Seeing them grow up etc.

She is going on holidays

All benefits to the OP.

Does she live in a council house as well?

I agree the answer is sone of the holidays are every other year. So one year take grandkids and mum abroad, next year go as a couple in term time and so on.

myself and my oh only get a caravan holiday every other year as that’s all we can afford.

No I would not be paying for all of that. I was a lone parent as a teenager no one ever paid for anything like that for us.

I think the caravan to Norfolk sounds fine as that’s a family thing everyone goes to. And the swimming lessons for the grandchildren.

But the meal on Saturday could be every other week and in between a lunch at your house and a lunch at DD’s house. That will halve the cost.

The Spain holiday she can save up for herself, she has cousins to invite her to stay so won’t cost much and that’s for her to organise with that side of the family.

And the holiday abroad no I’d not take them anymore as you aren’t getting a holiday with just your husband. You two need a holiday alone as well. Plus you can go in term time that’s cheaper for a fortnight, or two holidays if you don’t take them. If it’s an issue for your DH , it shouldn’t be, take them every other year.

this way you are still paying for a weeks holiday to Norfolk every year for a whole other family, swimming lessons and two meals out per month. When I was on a lower paid job meals out just didn’t happen so no reason your wage should be eaten up paying for someone else to have a meal out.

Then maybe she should work full time so they could afford her preference.

So you don’t mind the fact he pays for all the holidays you benefit from but you do mind the things he pays for that you don’t benefit from like solo lunches with his child and grandchildren etc.

She isn't paying for the trip to Spain, her husband is, because his Spanish wife died and if he didn't help his daughter wouldn't be able to see her mums side of her family. He's being both parents essentially, and is an excellent father for doing so. She's a single parent, the father wouldn't be expected to contribute to a holiday she's taking the kids on in the way a married couple would pool finances so it's really the only way atm she can see her family surely? It's not just a holiday, it's a family holiday.

The lunches are him seeing his daughter and grandchildren, and he picks up the cafe bill. Hardly a three course meal at a Michelin starred reataurant weekly, and it's quality time spent with them.

Maybe she would prefer a holiday with her and her husband in an adult only place rather than being with small kids. As so many parents on here say holidays with young kids aren't relaxing so why would op not want to relax on her holiday when the kids aren't even hers?

She goes on them, doesn’t she?

We would all want this from the father of our kids if we died.

How exactly are they for her benefit?

It doesn’t sound like the OP is having to subsidise the husband at all, she only works 3 days a week versus his 5 and he earns double. So yes, whilst he probably is spending several thousand a year on his daughter, I imagine he spending more than that subsidising the OP’s general living costs.

But he earns double her salary so she isn't contributing to the daughter at all, she'd just rather he didn't contribute as much and channel that into their lifestyle.

I think ultimately its not about the money.

It's about your husband not seeing you as the most important thing in his life.

Fair play to him, his daughter & grandkids are more important to him than a woman he's know for 6 years.

I'd say he got married too soon after wifes death.

Ahh.. so it's the things that you don't benefit from, that you don't like? What a coincidence.

That being said, it sounds like a lot of money. But also a lot of holidays all round. Can some of them not be every 2nd year?

Personally I don't think it's fair that your DH should completely dominate how your disposable income (after household bills) is spent.

If I were the DH I’d be quite bothered by the fact that my relatively new wife is wanting to dictate me spending more money on her than my child and grandchildren when she isn’t bringing much to table financially. OP says their income isn’t great but what she means to say is that her contribution isn’t very much because she works part time and expects her DH to spend more on her holidays. Her DH sounds like a great father and grandfather.

Your husband earns double your salary and works full time. Is there a reason you can only work part-time? To be honest in his shoes I’d be fairly annoyed that my partner wanted me to cut back on treating my child and grandchildren so that I could afford to take them on more holidays. Unless you have a valid reason not to work more hours to contribute more to a holiday pot, that’s obviously the best solution.

If this was a wife being asked to cut back on spending on her child and grandchildren because their husband (who earns half what she does), wanted to work part time but also more holidays there would be uproar.

Your only option really is for you and your DH to have separate finances. You would have to agree how much you would each contribute to the running of your household etc., and you could then each choose how you want to spend what you have left over.

Perhaps just having a serious conversation and writing everything down as if you were going to separate your finances - but not actually doing it - would bring home to him how much you are subsidising him and his daughter, if you think that’s the case.

What he’s doing is not unusual or unreasonable, but if he can’t afford it it’s unfair to deprive you of life's little luxuries to pay for it.

I think it’s one of those things once started it would be very difficult to stop. It does seem excessive to pay for 3 holidays though. I don’t know how old you are but is it sustainable once you have retired? I personally would want a relaxing holiday with just my husband at least once a year.

So he shouldnt pay for her, but he should pay for you? Cant have it both ways.

Why do you only work 3 days a week if you are so concerned about money.