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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel really unsettled after finding condoms in my 15 year old’s room

113 replies

ByWittyUser · 18/03/2026 22:27

I’m 45, DH 47, we have 3 boys (15, 13, 10). Our eldest is in Year 11 doing GCSEs this year, revising loads, predicted very good grades and wants to do medicine. Always wanted to be a doctor ever since he was little. He’s honestly a good kid and we’re very proud of him.

I’ll be honest though, we’ve probably babied him a bit and I do think he can come across a bit entitled at times. He’s at an all boys private school (which I sometimes question socially, though academically it’s been great) and between schoolwork and hockey I just assumed he didn’t really have time for anything else.

Yesterday I went into his room to put clean washing on his bed and noticed his bedside drawer was slightly open… I know I shouldn’t have but I looked. I found condoms.
I feel completely thrown. He’s 15. We have had the talk and he’s always said he doesn’t have a girlfriend, although I suspect there’s been some sort of friends wirh benefits situation I don’t really understand what’s going on half the time!

I’ve previously found earrings in his room and just ignored it. Now I’m wondering if I’ve been a bit naive.

He goes to an all boys school but there’s a girls school nearby and they mix at events the school does dances and balls so they can all interact etc, and apparently he’s quite popular with the girls. DH is very relaxed and says at least he’s being responsible and we shouldn’t say anything.

But I just feel… uncomfortable. I know I can’t stop him, and I know in theory it’s better he’s being safe, but he still feels so young to me and I’m struggling to get my head around it.
Part of me wants to bring it up, part of me thinks I’ve already invaded his privacy and should say nothing. I also don’t want to push him away or embarrass him.

He is also one of the young ones in his year so it just feels even worse he’s not 16 and won’t have turned 16 till after his exams.

OP posts:
Original poster
ByWittyUser · 19/03/2026 19:41

RoseField1 · 19/03/2026 08:44

But it's not immoral to have sex?

Show quote history

Children shouldn’t have sex it’s not okay to normalise that. My son is a minor, he is still a child legally and our job as parents is to guide him. He’s said he’s not having sex and I’ve reiterated to him that the age of consent is 16, as well as that, having and sharing nudes anyone under the age of 18 is not legal, DH is a lawyer so he explained it better than me.

This conversation led us to finding out that he does have a girlfriend and was just shy to introduce her but we’ve told him he doesn’t need to sneak her around the house and when he’s ready we would be happy to meet her

OP posts:
Original poster
ByWittyUser · 19/03/2026 19:34

Pricelessadvice · 19/03/2026 19:03

Teenagers have sex. At least he’s being safe.
He’s not the first and he won’t be the last 15 year old lad to have sex.

He’s a minor. Others can parent how they want but at his age DH and I told our parents about our gfs/bfs. I want our son to be comfortable enough to do that and not sneak someone around.

Anyway we have spoken to him and it went very well.

OP posts:
Original poster
ByWittyUser · 19/03/2026 19:33

Jupitercore · 19/03/2026 18:17

Say nothing, do nothing, he is being responsible using condoms. Leave it at that.

Show quote history

Well we’ve spoken to him it went very well actually and he was glad we spoke to him it was an easier conversation that I thought it would be , he didn’t mind sharing stuff with us and that’s made me feel better. I’m his mum, he’s a minor.

He’s always going to be my child even when he’s 50 my parents still see me as their child, I still go to them for advice all the time and there’s even times they tell me nor do something and I appreciate having great parents who have never stopped guiding me.

OP posts:
OhWise1 · 19/03/2026 19:15

They do give out condoms after the sex ed talk in year 10 or 11.

greenteaandlimes · 19/03/2026 19:07

To clarify my post above - I don’t mean that he shouldn’t be having sex, but I think responsible parenting involves talking to him about it, given that he is a child. Maybe not if he were 18. But 15, definitely. I know you did already, but it was theoretical then.

Pricelessadvice · 19/03/2026 19:03

Teenagers have sex. At least he’s being safe.
He’s not the first and he won’t be the last 15 year old lad to have sex.

greenteaandlimes · 19/03/2026 19:03

He’s 15, a child - you and DH need to up your parenting game and have a friendly but serious talk with him!

CharlotteRumpling · 19/03/2026 18:59

ByWittyUser · 19/03/2026 14:55

I’m not assuming we’ve seen him with her on the ring door bell.

Personally he’ll always be my child even when he’s 50, my parents still refer to me as their child and I’m in my 40s. I think there’s been a misunderstanding here. Regardless of his age I’m always going to support him and guide him I’m not going to stop guiding him at 15, he still makes mistakes and comes to us for advice all the time just a shame he hasn’t spoken to us about someone he’s seeing whatever gender they are.

Show quote history

My mum is 80. She still advises me and I take advice from her. My 20 somethings still take advice from me.

I don't identify with this " He's not a child and you need to back off and let him.make his own mistakes" way of parenting. I guess you don't either.

estrogone · 19/03/2026 18:58

Posh wank?

Reliablesource · 19/03/2026 18:55

RoseField1 · 19/03/2026 08:44

But it's not immoral to have sex?

Show quote history

I didn’t say that. I think it’s immoral to condone children having sex.

LlynTegid · 19/03/2026 18:20

Yes to the consent discussion, and also that if any relationship ends be prepared for one distraught DS (and possibly an angry parent of a young woman or man).

Jupitercore · 19/03/2026 18:17

ByWittyUser · 18/03/2026 22:27

I’m 45, DH 47, we have 3 boys (15, 13, 10). Our eldest is in Year 11 doing GCSEs this year, revising loads, predicted very good grades and wants to do medicine. Always wanted to be a doctor ever since he was little. He’s honestly a good kid and we’re very proud of him.

I’ll be honest though, we’ve probably babied him a bit and I do think he can come across a bit entitled at times. He’s at an all boys private school (which I sometimes question socially, though academically it’s been great) and between schoolwork and hockey I just assumed he didn’t really have time for anything else.

Yesterday I went into his room to put clean washing on his bed and noticed his bedside drawer was slightly open… I know I shouldn’t have but I looked. I found condoms.
I feel completely thrown. He’s 15. We have had the talk and he’s always said he doesn’t have a girlfriend, although I suspect there’s been some sort of friends wirh benefits situation I don’t really understand what’s going on half the time!

I’ve previously found earrings in his room and just ignored it. Now I’m wondering if I’ve been a bit naive.

He goes to an all boys school but there’s a girls school nearby and they mix at events the school does dances and balls so they can all interact etc, and apparently he’s quite popular with the girls. DH is very relaxed and says at least he’s being responsible and we shouldn’t say anything.

But I just feel… uncomfortable. I know I can’t stop him, and I know in theory it’s better he’s being safe, but he still feels so young to me and I’m struggling to get my head around it.
Part of me wants to bring it up, part of me thinks I’ve already invaded his privacy and should say nothing. I also don’t want to push him away or embarrass him.

He is also one of the young ones in his year so it just feels even worse he’s not 16 and won’t have turned 16 till after his exams.

Say nothing, do nothing, he is being responsible using condoms. Leave it at that.

Original poster
ByWittyUser · 19/03/2026 14:55

Peonies12 · 19/03/2026 14:17

Well tell him he won't be a child soon? Interesting you are still assuming it's a girlfriend, not a boyfriend.

Show quote history

I’m not assuming we’ve seen him with her on the ring door bell.

Personally he’ll always be my child even when he’s 50, my parents still refer to me as their child and I’m in my 40s. I think there’s been a misunderstanding here. Regardless of his age I’m always going to support him and guide him I’m not going to stop guiding him at 15, he still makes mistakes and comes to us for advice all the time just a shame he hasn’t spoken to us about someone he’s seeing whatever gender they are.

OP posts:
Sadcafe · 19/03/2026 14:54

If a 15 year old is having sex then it’s better that they are doing it safely

Original poster
ByWittyUser · 19/03/2026 14:51

user1476613140 · 19/03/2026 14:07

Yep, can join the Army at 16, get married at 16, have sex at 16. In a matter of months you'll have to let him be.

You can’t get married at 16 in England they changed the law unless you’re in Scotland

OP posts:
stillchasingdereksheppard · 19/03/2026 14:19

Please do have the consent chat though. Again and again and again.
I already talk to my boys about consent - obviously not in a sexual contact but we talk about 'my body my choice' asking before we hug etc and being okay if someone says no. Equally respecting them if they say no etc.

I also work in a similar field to your husband and honestly he sounds like a nice boy but he's growing up and you have to respect that

Peonies12 · 19/03/2026 14:17

ByWittyUser · 19/03/2026 13:31

He is a minor I think you’re misunderstanding what I mean. I may have not explained it properly but DH still sees him as a child legally he’s a lawyer and knows what that constitutes.

We’ve had the conversation and he says he is a child and it’s our job to still guide him we aren’t going to tell him not to have sex, we don’t control him but we’d like him to be cautious of consent, he goes to an all boys school, as well as that we’d like for him to stop sneaking the girl around, it’s fine if he is in a relationship, he can invite her over we have no issue with that.

This is my first time experiencing this and hopefully I do better with my other sons. I had a bf in year 11, 2 weeks in my parents had already met him, same with DH his first girlfriend was at 16 and he introduced her to his parents pretty soon after. I just feel like we’ve gone wrong somewhere if our son feels as though he can’t mention a girl he is seeing.

Show quote history

Well tell him he won't be a child soon? Interesting you are still assuming it's a girlfriend, not a boyfriend.

stillchasingdereksheppard · 19/03/2026 14:15

I don't think this is particularly strange. I was in year 11 when I had sex and it was fairly common. He's being responsible. He's doing loads of school work and predicted good grades and he's a nice kid. You're being ridiculous!
Of course realising your child is sexually active is uncomfortable but it's also normal.
Sounds like you've done a nice job raising him, trust him to navigate this and let him have some independence.
Be open with him and talk to him about his life.

CinnamonBuns67 · 19/03/2026 14:10

I can understand why it makes you feel a certain way from a parents perspective. However he's 15, you won't stop him and at least he's smart enough to take responsibility for his own (and his partners) sexual health. I would ask Dad to speak to him and make sure he knows the law and he knows how to use a condom properly to avoid it splitting and also for him to fully understand the consequences if it did split as it is out of his hands at that point.

user1476613140 · 19/03/2026 14:07

Yep, can join the Army at 16, get married at 16, have sex at 16. In a matter of months you'll have to let him be.

sadeyedladyofthelowlands63 · 19/03/2026 13:51

Scottishskifun · 19/03/2026 13:03

Not true just need to drive to Gretna Green! You can still legally get married at 16 in Scotland and in NI with parental consent.

Show quote history

I did not know that, thanks - I'm normally careful about confusing England with the UK as a whole!

CharlotteRumpling · 19/03/2026 13:51

I often find myself completely against the majority opinion on MN and this is one of those times. But I am from a different culture and glad I am.

It's not common to have sex at 15 in my culture and I would not be ok with this. No doubt posters will tell me I dont know what my kids are doing. Ok. But I do.

KimberleyClark · 19/03/2026 13:47

Sneaking a girl into your house without your knowledge is not very respectful of him.

Original poster
ByWittyUser · 19/03/2026 13:31

Peonies12 · 19/03/2026 13:21

He's not a child, and you need to change your thinking - he is practically an adult. it's common for 15 year old to have sex. it's good he plans to use protection, but you need to make sure he knows about consent. and if he does have a partner (could be male, you're being very presumptuous), you don't 'need' to meet them. It's up to your son to make that decision.

Edited

He is a minor I think you’re misunderstanding what I mean. I may have not explained it properly but DH still sees him as a child legally he’s a lawyer and knows what that constitutes.

We’ve had the conversation and he says he is a child and it’s our job to still guide him we aren’t going to tell him not to have sex, we don’t control him but we’d like him to be cautious of consent, he goes to an all boys school, as well as that we’d like for him to stop sneaking the girl around, it’s fine if he is in a relationship, he can invite her over we have no issue with that.

This is my first time experiencing this and hopefully I do better with my other sons. I had a bf in year 11, 2 weeks in my parents had already met him, same with DH his first girlfriend was at 16 and he introduced her to his parents pretty soon after. I just feel like we’ve gone wrong somewhere if our son feels as though he can’t mention a girl he is seeing.

OP posts:
Peonies12 · 19/03/2026 13:21

He's not a child, and you need to change your thinking - he is practically an adult. it's common for 15 year old to have sex. it's good he plans to use protection, but you need to make sure he knows about consent. and if he does have a partner (could be male, you're being very presumptuous), you don't 'need' to meet them. It's up to your son to make that decision.

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