AIBU to change daughter’s antibiotics schedule and sleep separately after insult?

Of course I wouldn't give them autonomy in those situations. But I would in a situation where a doctor had said 2 doses and 4 doses were both valid choices.

I mean I guess so if he's going to continue doing the medicine. But it sounded as though his shift was over.

It's not whether they take the medicine. Obviously, they have to take the medicine. No negotiation there. However, they do have the option between 2 or 4 times a day.

I wouldn’t give her autonomy on health matters. She’s nowhere near old enough to make a rational decision.

Please see a relationship counsellor. If you have to go alone to see them that's ok too. You need perspective on this. His behaviour is far from acceptable, and your daughter is soaking it all in too.

This is absolutely the reason why medicine shouldn’t be something you negotiate over and I say that as someone who had a child who refused calpol for the first 4 years of his life & recently had antibiotics prescribed 4 times a day!. We ended up in hospital and even the consultant said he doesn’t know why anyone prescribes 4x a day as 2x does the same job! Its also a PITA trying to get 4 doses in a day on an empty stomach.

If your DD is anything like my DS i’d have been beyond mad if i’d spent 2 days getting medicine into my child for someone to come along and over ride everything i’d said. Yes the choice of language was very poor but I can understand his frustration as you really need to speak with a united voice when parenting.

‘You’ have chosen - so you made the decision. I can see why he is pissed off. He has been off and giving her the medicine for the last 2 days but you march in without discussing or agreeing with him and decide you’re right and this is what is happening.

She 5! All you do is do 5ml in a syringe and give her a drink or a treat to take the taste away.

I think it's a bit off that a potential error on your part becomes 'it is what it is',but his error 'isn't justified'.

There's bodily autonomy but then there's also being a bit of a wet blanket.Get it done and down her so she can stop feeling so poorly. 4x to me just seems to be dragging it out.Your H has obviously managed this way while being home with her for 2 days,you've undermined him a bit.

As for the foul language - he's been awful there and PPs are quite right that it's unacceptable.

The GP prescribed it 4x a day for a reason. It’s important to take medicine as instructed and it will likely say this on the label/leaflet. If you want to deviate from this I’d speak to the pharmacist/GP to ensure that the efficacy won’t be compromised.

Husband is a twat.

There's never a reason to use language like that, it's really unacceptable.

Unless you've been advised otherwise it's really important the antibiotics are taken as prescribed. The dose will be based in her wright and it may be less effective if given at smaller doses more frequently.

Tonsillitis is horrible and painful and causes fevers and feeling rotten, wanting to make the antibiotics easier on a 5 yr old is good parenting not bad and the responses are quite cruel here

His lack of self-regulation is quite something. Perhaps he’s like that with the children too - you sound a lot calmer and more reasonable. It’s ok to make accommodations for children and treat them respectfully. That’s how they can learn to treat others too. You say he sometimes over-reacts and says hurtful things. Does he have to be in control a lot? Does he think he needs to make most of the decisions?

Retard is one of those offensive words that’s not ok to use, even in jest imo. It’s deeply, deeply offensive.

It’s right up there with racist or homophobic slurs.

I wouldn’t be ok with a partner directing this kind of deeply offensive language at me, regardless of how angry they were. Swearing I could brush off but this kind of derogatory language tells you something about who they are and their values.

As for the medicine dose, it would have been better if you’d agreed on it together. However if he stormed out of the room, he left you little choice. OP, it sounds as if your DD was aware of the choice in dosage because she heard it from the doctor - is that correct?

If you can stop something being a battle, then I think it’s a smart approach. If your DD thinks it’s better to take a small dose four times a day and that approach stops her grumbling, then it’s a no-brainer, surely?

His storming downstairs callng her a retard and being too "wound up" to remain in the room was far worse than a "comment" or "not ok".

Minimising is not ok.

He doesn't get to do this. Not ever.

You also apparently read and ignored this "I find so hard to navigate because 99% of the time he is a really good man.. then sometimes he just really surprises me with how he can just fling out a horrible insult. I do think we need to have a serious chat but I just can’t really face it. I know it won’t go well."

She sounds actually afraid to raise his horrible behaviour with him as she knows it won't go well.

Giving the child medicine differently is not actually relevant. Shame the OP mentioned it in fact. The kid is getting her medicine they could have had a discussion.

But instead, the father behaved like a horrible prick. And it's not the first time.

His comment wasn't OK.

But you're actually telling me you trust him to do 3x full days of parenting a poorly child and then you unilaterally decided how to medicate her how you saw fit without treating him like an equal?

I would 100% have done what you did.

Poor little mite being ill, and then having her dad not listening to her feelings on top. Seems very straight forward just to give the child the option (a perfectly valid option) that they will take willingly rather than causing a battle of wills with a sick child.

Then when she goes back to school she can take it x 2 but surely she won’t be back till Monday anyway? So could be a moot point.

His insult on top of it all is totally unacceptable.

But honestly, I have no time for men doing ridiculous things and then claiming they were “undermined”. In fact I’m very suspicious of that word as it tends to only get rolled out by men when their wives (rightly) won’t go along with bullying behaviour.

Giving her choice is not undermining his parenting! Undermining his parenting would be telling her she didn’t have to take it. This would not in any circumstances be a hill I would die on. Ultimately she took the medication which is a win.
He sounds like a bully and a man who thinks he has a right to dictate what a woman does with her body. The insult would be the end for me. No man would ever speak to me that way and remain my partner.

Yabu for changing the the antibiotics schedule without speaking to him and making that decision unilaterally. However the way he has spoken to you and called you names is unacceptable so yanbu to not want to be near him for a while and to want to sleep seperately.

Same. Mine are ND and it was hard enough without introducing a choice of 2x or 4x per day, they'd have made just as much fuss no matter how you did it. It was just the doctor says you need to take this, this is why. They got jelly beans after a dose because the GP surgery used to give them when they had jags, so medicine = jelly beans. It's awful having to make a child take medicine that tastes horrible and I remember how much I hated it as a child too and fought my mum over it.

A lot of parents these days seem to think kids should never have to do anything uncomfortable and as a parent if you cause them to be upset temporarily it's a terrible trauma. But kids are really not going to therapy as adults because their parents made them take vile tasting fake banana medicine for a week when they had tonsillitis when they were five. They might be, however, if their parents neglected to treat their tonsillitis and they got extremely ill.

Medication is not the right area to give them autonomy. I say this for two reasons:

• There are LOTS of other areas where you can give them autonomy, but they also need to understand what “mandatory” means. Would you give them autonomy over crossing the street? How about vaccinations? Because I guarantee, every child would agree they promise not to cry if only you do all their vaccinations separately… but if they need five vaccinations, you as a parent know that means 5 doctors visits, 5 rounds of feeling shitty after vaccination, 5 rounds of “sore arm,” 5 rounds of them being upset about the needle every time, etc. When your child is not old enough to make the logical choice when it matters most, that’s what being a parent is. I think a lot of parents give their children too many choices ant the wrong times out of a fear the child won’t like them. Trust me, I’ve never seen a child grow up and hate their parents for forcing them to have antibiotics when they needed them.

• You never know what the future holds, unfortunately. If your child needs to have a medical procedure or more medical care for some reason, they are often incandescent with small child rage or inconsolable (I’ve seen this happen from ages 5 to 16) to discover there’s finally something they DON’T have ANY autonomy over (being sick, getting treatment), and it might really fucking hurt so they WANT autonomy more than ever. There are few people I actively dislike in the moment more than parents who blame it on “the mean nurse” or “the mean doctor” so their kid still likes them (until what? Two hours later when their kid thinks they’re Hitler because their sandwich isn’t in triangles?). This hurts everyone, especially the child’s opinion of how helpful or harmful medical personnel are, and nurses and doctors, who don’t particularly love being treated like ogres when they just want to help children.

I think autonomy is important; I think it’s great to let children make choices. Just not in every situation. If they could be trusted to make ALL their own choices, there would be no such thing as parental responsibility.

Can't help with the dickish husband but might be worth asking if there's an alternative available. We battled through a 10 day course of hideous tasting antibiotics with a very reluctant 4yo (I tried it, it was truly vile) . Day 9 we ran out and got given a second bottle. Same pharmacy, same antibiotic name but this one was flavoured and he liked the taste.

I’ve put you’re unreasonable as I can’t stand all this pussy footing around kids and taking medicines. You’re the adult, you know they need it. I always just started off being strict with my kids when they needed to take medicines and they just knew it was non negotiable. Of course given the choice no child is going to take it!

You are not being unreasonable. He is. Retard is an archaic and perjoritive term for someone with learning disabilities. That says a lot about him that he would use this word to insult his wife. Your daughter made it clear how she wants to take her medication. He is probably pissed off because he is being kept from his important ' 'Man work' , looking after his sick child. I would consider whether I would want to spend my life with this man. Have a long , hard think in the spare room tonight.

I think the other thing with twice or four times is, will she actually take it easily taking it four times? Because she may say that, but then it's actually a struggle every time anyway? So letting her choose that might not actually make it easier for anyone.