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AIBU?

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AIBU not wanting to use annual leave for stepdaughter’s childcare cover?

285 replies

crazycatladyof6 · 18/03/2026 19:20

Hello everyone, I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable. There’s a part of me thinks I am so wanted to know what others think. My husband and I have a granddaughter who we absolutely adore. We both work full-time and my husband actually doesn’t get much annual leave at all. It’s a bit of a problem. My stepdaughter works part-time 24 hours a week and our granddaughter goes to nursery on the days when her mum is at work and her other Nan who is very local collects her until Mum is home. She also takes her to nursery school in the morning. Unfortunately, my stepdaughter‘s mum needs to have some treatment and my stepdaughter has asked if we will have our granddaughter so she can go to work. This will mean that we will have to take annual leave to be able to have our granddaughter. One of the days I actually can’t do anyway because I’m already on annual leave for something that’s been booked for about eight months and then the other day I’m at work as is my husband and I’ve actually run out of annual leave at present. it does reset in April so I could take an annual leave day and this is where I need to ask AIBU to not want to take an annual leave day so my stepdaughter can go to work when it’s also my working day?

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 22/03/2026 21:11

crazycatladyof6 · 22/03/2026 17:30

Both of them

SD only works two days a week while you and your husband work full time and extra hours but you don't raise her child for her enough. . She's an entitled brat and needs to be told to look after her own child or pay for childcare.

outerspacepotato · 22/03/2026 18:25

crazycatladyof6 · 22/03/2026 12:41

We actually gave up 8 days annual leave last year to do things with DGD. Absolutely happy with that and was our choice - we wanted to. We are being told we don’t do enough and we absolutely should be booking annual leave so she ca go to work

Stop being a doormat. She's taking advantage of you and you're using up vacation time to help out someone who works part time and wants more from you.

Time to start saying no. Will she withhold? Probably. But then childcare is hers to deal with, as it should be.

crazycatladyof6 · 22/03/2026 17:30

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/03/2026 17:19

Who is telling you that? Your SD or her other nan?

Both of them

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/03/2026 17:19

crazycatladyof6 · 22/03/2026 12:41

We actually gave up 8 days annual leave last year to do things with DGD. Absolutely happy with that and was our choice - we wanted to. We are being told we don’t do enough and we absolutely should be booking annual leave so she ca go to work

Who is telling you that? Your SD or her other nan?

Yardbrushes · 22/03/2026 17:11

crazycatladyof6 · 22/03/2026 12:41

We actually gave up 8 days annual leave last year to do things with DGD. Absolutely happy with that and was our choice - we wanted to. We are being told we don’t do enough and we absolutely should be booking annual leave so she ca go to work

No good deed and all that.
There's your thanks, abuse.
Step back OP.
You have already done far too much.

Shallwemarry · 22/03/2026 14:50

crazycatladyof6 · 22/03/2026 12:41

We actually gave up 8 days annual leave last year to do things with DGD. Absolutely happy with that and was our choice - we wanted to. We are being told we don’t do enough and we absolutely should be booking annual leave so she ca go to work

This is actually insane. I don't know if I've got it right but it sounds like DSD works 24 hours a week over 2 days? So she has 5 days a week free (& one of those work free And child free, if DGD is in nursery 3 days a week?) but is cheesed off you won't take a day off AL so she doesn't have to shift swap and can continue to just carry on regardless? Is this right?!

When is the procedure? If more than a couple of days away surely there is high likelihood that someone will swap shifts with her? Or do a playdate swap with a friend? Just got to think outside the box a little when you have little ones!

crazycatladyof6 · 22/03/2026 12:41

We actually gave up 8 days annual leave last year to do things with DGD. Absolutely happy with that and was our choice - we wanted to. We are being told we don’t do enough and we absolutely should be booking annual leave so she ca go to work

OP posts:
OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 22/03/2026 06:20

twentyeightfishinthepond · 22/03/2026 03:30

It’s only one day.

Exactly, no reason the mother can’t take it off. It’s her child.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 22/03/2026 04:13

twentyeightfishinthepond · 22/03/2026 03:30

It’s only one day.

Tell the child's mother that then. It's only one day, she can take it off and look after her own child.

twentyeightfishinthepond · 22/03/2026 03:30

It’s only one day.

wyntersky · 22/03/2026 02:25

At the end of the day you can only do what you can do! She will have to ask someone to cover her shift, swop shifts or call in sick if push comes to shove. You can't expect to do it all so don't be bullied or guilt tripped into it.

Beenwhereyouareagain · 22/03/2026 01:49

Newyearawaits · 18/03/2026 19:27

Would you feel the same if she was your daughter and not your SD?

Really??

There are absolutely no "stepdaughter" vibes here. @crazycatladyof6 makes it clear they enjoy spending time with their granddaughter. But having to use annual leave so that another person doesn't have to use their own AL isn't fair to OP and her DH.

Beenwhereyouareagain · 22/03/2026 01:49

Newyearawaits · 18/03/2026 19:27

Would you feel the same if she was your daughter and not your SD?

Really??

There are absolutely no "stepdaughter" vibes here. @crazycatladyof6 makes it clear they enjoy spending time with their granddaughter. But having to use annual leave so that another person doesn't have to use their own AL isn't fair to OP and her DH.

Columbidae · 22/03/2026 01:40

I'm sorry you're getting grief, OP. Stand firm, you're not at all unreasonable.

pinkyredrose · 22/03/2026 01:30

crazycatladyof6 · 22/03/2026 01:15

Thank you @pinkyredrose . I am so done this evening as we have had DSD mum on the phone calling us out for not booking annual to have our DGD.

No way!! I can see where DSD gets her entitlement from!

crazycatladyof6 · 22/03/2026 01:15

pinkyredrose · 22/03/2026 01:13

What a load of crap.

Thank you @pinkyredrose . I am so done this evening as we have had DSD mum on the phone calling us out for not booking annual to have our DGD.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 22/03/2026 01:13

99bottlesofkombucha · 21/03/2026 22:59

Fine to say no, but let’s acknowledge she has hours more work a day than you do after she finishes work and every day of the weekend. My mum always has us over to dinner etc because despite having had twice as many children as I do, she is very much aware that working parents evenings and weekends are full of house work and parenting and there are no free days really. Even with the high admin load remaining we would feel like we were on holiday if we didn’t have the kids for a weekend, we’d get so much done at home. One of my 3 had a sleepover the other week and one less child felt like a holiday to be honest! I don’t like that this thread is encouraging you to be judgy and critical of a working mum to the point you have decided she has way more free time than you. She doesn’t.

What a load of crap.

crazycatladyof6 · 22/03/2026 01:11

99bottlesofkombucha · 21/03/2026 22:59

Fine to say no, but let’s acknowledge she has hours more work a day than you do after she finishes work and every day of the weekend. My mum always has us over to dinner etc because despite having had twice as many children as I do, she is very much aware that working parents evenings and weekends are full of house work and parenting and there are no free days really. Even with the high admin load remaining we would feel like we were on holiday if we didn’t have the kids for a weekend, we’d get so much done at home. One of my 3 had a sleepover the other week and one less child felt like a holiday to be honest! I don’t like that this thread is encouraging you to be judgy and critical of a working mum to the point you have decided she has way more free time than you. She doesn’t.

And actually, she does get lots more free time than we do. She works 2 days a week and yes she has a DD who is in nursery 3 days a week but is looking after your own child really that restricting? I’ve been a single full time working parent and believe me, I get how hard it can be. How do you know what I have in my days? I work full time (plus) hours. My DH has a day job plus his own business. I also have caring duties for my disabled parents. And we do put time in for our grandchildren which you would realise if you had cared to have read my posts. Life can be hard no matter what point you are at. My life is full and I do my best and try to keep everyone happy. What I have realised is that some people feel they are entitled. I birthed my own children and I did everything for them and although I was grateful for any help I got, I did not demand nor expect. My DSD birthed her child and she needs to do the same. We will help where we can but we have full time jobs and other responsibilities. We love our DGD And do what we can but she is not ultimately our responsibility.

OP posts:
crazycatladyof6 · 22/03/2026 00:57

99bottlesofkombucha · 21/03/2026 22:59

Fine to say no, but let’s acknowledge she has hours more work a day than you do after she finishes work and every day of the weekend. My mum always has us over to dinner etc because despite having had twice as many children as I do, she is very much aware that working parents evenings and weekends are full of house work and parenting and there are no free days really. Even with the high admin load remaining we would feel like we were on holiday if we didn’t have the kids for a weekend, we’d get so much done at home. One of my 3 had a sleepover the other week and one less child felt like a holiday to be honest! I don’t like that this thread is encouraging you to be judgy and critical of a working mum to the point you have decided she has way more free time than you. She doesn’t.

Thank you so much for your input. I guess your comments are so easy to make when you dont know or care to understand the full facts.
I was a single parent of three children before I met my DH and I was also working full time. We brought up five children between us. This behaviour is not acceptable from my DSD. We do support but we cannot do what we cannot do and that has to be accepted. To top it all, we now have her mum wading in and telling us that we need to take annual leave so we can have our DGD. I fail to understand how this is our responsibility. If you would care to read my posts you will see that we do have our DGD but we do work and unfortunately we are not in a position to be ‘on call’. DSD will need to continue doing what she does and we will continue supporting where we can as we have done since DGD was born

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 21/03/2026 22:59

crazycatladyof6 · 21/03/2026 16:01

It’s also dawned on me that she gets pro-rata’d paid holiday that will be in line with ours but she also has 5 additional days every week to get things done/do what she wants/needs to do and we have to squeeze all of ours into weekends and annual leave.
I think we will continue to do what we do and help where and when we can but I do need to stop beating myself up about this. I’ve come to the conclusion that this isn’t a reasonable request.
thank you for all your thoughts and opinions

Fine to say no, but let’s acknowledge she has hours more work a day than you do after she finishes work and every day of the weekend. My mum always has us over to dinner etc because despite having had twice as many children as I do, she is very much aware that working parents evenings and weekends are full of house work and parenting and there are no free days really. Even with the high admin load remaining we would feel like we were on holiday if we didn’t have the kids for a weekend, we’d get so much done at home. One of my 3 had a sleepover the other week and one less child felt like a holiday to be honest! I don’t like that this thread is encouraging you to be judgy and critical of a working mum to the point you have decided she has way more free time than you. She doesn’t.

pinkyredrose · 21/03/2026 22:01

Well done Op.

crazycatladyof6 · 21/03/2026 16:01

It’s also dawned on me that she gets pro-rata’d paid holiday that will be in line with ours but she also has 5 additional days every week to get things done/do what she wants/needs to do and we have to squeeze all of ours into weekends and annual leave.
I think we will continue to do what we do and help where and when we can but I do need to stop beating myself up about this. I’ve come to the conclusion that this isn’t a reasonable request.
thank you for all your thoughts and opinions

OP posts:
Yardbrushes · 21/03/2026 11:45

We teach people how to treat us.
You are behaving like staff and are being treated thus.
Glad you are waking up to that finally.

pinkyredrose · 21/03/2026 11:19

The more you write about her the more entitled she seems.

Why on earth wouldn't you be popular after saying no to her request? The fact that she didn't take your refusal with grace and that she expected you to say yes just shows her level of entitlement.

You should start saying no more often, you're not her staff.

crazycatladyof6 · 21/03/2026 09:14

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/03/2026 08:49

Don’t feel bad

why is your time and holiday less important than her time and holiday

You are absolutely right. Really stating to see this

OP posts: