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AIBU?

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AIBU not wanting to use annual leave for stepdaughter’s childcare cover?

285 replies

crazycatladyof6 · 18/03/2026 19:20

Hello everyone, I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable. There’s a part of me thinks I am so wanted to know what others think. My husband and I have a granddaughter who we absolutely adore. We both work full-time and my husband actually doesn’t get much annual leave at all. It’s a bit of a problem. My stepdaughter works part-time 24 hours a week and our granddaughter goes to nursery on the days when her mum is at work and her other Nan who is very local collects her until Mum is home. She also takes her to nursery school in the morning. Unfortunately, my stepdaughter‘s mum needs to have some treatment and my stepdaughter has asked if we will have our granddaughter so she can go to work. This will mean that we will have to take annual leave to be able to have our granddaughter. One of the days I actually can’t do anyway because I’m already on annual leave for something that’s been booked for about eight months and then the other day I’m at work as is my husband and I’ve actually run out of annual leave at present. it does reset in April so I could take an annual leave day and this is where I need to ask AIBU to not want to take an annual leave day so my stepdaughter can go to work when it’s also my working day?

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Pessismistic · 27/03/2026 09:44

Hi op she will need you before you will need her. Definitely don’t let on your both upset because this is what she will use against you both. Even if you have to pretend get on with your lives and wait for her to come crawling back.

crazycatladyof6 · 27/03/2026 03:52

Yardbrushes · 26/03/2026 22:10

Time to really step back OP.
These are ugly people.
All you have done and yet how quickly they have turned.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

You’re right. I’m stepping right back from DSD now (I’ve had too much of this kind of behaviour over the years) but we will continue to be present for our granddaughter

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Yardbrushes · 26/03/2026 22:10

Time to really step back OP.
These are ugly people.
All you have done and yet how quickly they have turned.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

crazycatladyof6 · 26/03/2026 22:03

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 26/03/2026 19:34

Time for DH to block his ex wife @crazycatladyof6. Wouldn't hurt for you to do the same. Horrible, blackmailing people.

ETA Why can't child's mother not explain the emergency to her work?

Edited

Exactly. The ex wife has been archived and he hasn’t responded to her bar one message which said she was being unfair. She then followed it up with loads of abusive messages so he archived.

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FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 26/03/2026 19:34

Time for DH to block his ex wife @crazycatladyof6. Wouldn't hurt for you to do the same. Horrible, blackmailing people.

ETA Why can't child's mother not explain the emergency to her work?

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/03/2026 19:27

crazycatladyof6 · 26/03/2026 18:10

He’s upset and struggling. Obviously wants to help his daughter but is being accused of not caring, being a s**t dad. I’m sure lots has been said about me too. He should apparently be speaking to his work about the emergency of the situation so she can go to work. From her and her mum

Totally understandable he’s upset - but surely he can see how selfish his daughter and ex wife are being

why is his /your time /holiday less precious then hers ?

in the end , they are her kids and sb needs to sort out childcare for them

im sure he wants to back down and agree to what she wants - but it would be the worst thing to do

JudgeJ · 26/03/2026 19:12

Itsmetheflamingo · 18/03/2026 19:25

you don’t want to take ONE DAY annual leave to help your SD? Did I read that right?!

But isn't it the MN mantra that step-mothers should not involve herself in the husband's family? Maybe that only applies to graduations, weddings, significant birthdays etc., when they desperately need step mum to help out she's supposed to put her own life on hold!

Pessismistic · 26/03/2026 19:01

Op her behaviour is selfish no wonder your frustrated and sad she’s basically blackmailing you into doing what she wants her dc probably misses you and your dh but sd is too selfish to care. If you do get back to how you were definitely do what’s best for you and dh otherwise she will rely on you until dc is a teen she had dc it’s her responsibility to care for her. Op she’s lucky she has free childcare there are other woman juggling both job and kids and house and have no one. Princess needs to learn to accept no in her life now and again her mum isn’t helping the situation.

crazycatladyof6 · 26/03/2026 18:35

I am actually feels really peed off about the whole thing. I was feeling guilty as I’m the type of person who always likes to help if I can but the more I think about, it’s just completely entitled! And the messages from the ex wife telling my DH he needs to talk to his work and arrange time off and if it was me who was poorly he would be telling his work to eff off as he needs to have time off to be with me and take me to appointments. I think she’s missing the point here - yes, if I was unwell them my DH would speak to his work and try to negotiate so he could take me to appointments but she is his ex wife (22 years ago) and while we obviously feel empathetic towards her, my husbands work couldn’t care less about his ex wife’s illness and why should they. And I don’t mean that horribly. Yes she has an arrangement with my stepdaughter that she gives x amount of childcare but that’s something she can accommodate which is great but it doesn’t mean we can. We don’t in the same way she does because we can’t but we do stuff with DGD which includes weekends and holidays. So yes, on our terms (to a point) but we still love and care. I’m so frustrated

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Pessismistic · 26/03/2026 18:27

And I bet you her dad & you when she stops being a diva.

crazycatladyof6 · 26/03/2026 18:25

Pessismistic · 26/03/2026 18:16

op How is she going cope with school holiday 13 weeks.

I did ask her this as DGD is in nursery right now and she said her mum (who works full time) and holiday club

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Pessismistic · 26/03/2026 18:16

op How is she going cope with school holiday 13 weeks.

Pessismistic · 26/03/2026 18:15

Op she’s obviously entitled her job is obviously more important than yours and dh and more important than her own dc. She needs to realise shit happens and kids come before work.

crazycatladyof6 · 26/03/2026 18:10

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/03/2026 21:03

Yes you do

she will soon rliese quite what you and dh do

how is he taking this ?

He’s upset and struggling. Obviously wants to help his daughter but is being accused of not caring, being a s**t dad. I’m sure lots has been said about me too. He should apparently be speaking to his work about the emergency of the situation so she can go to work. From her and her mum

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Blondeshavemorefun · 25/03/2026 21:03

crazycatladyof6 · 23/03/2026 22:25

I think you’re right and this is exactly what her own mum used to do to us when they were children. It’s so difficult but you’re right, we do need to stand our ground on this

Yes you do

she will soon rliese quite what you and dh do

how is he taking this ?

crazycatladyof6 · 25/03/2026 16:37

ShineBlueSky · 25/03/2026 00:24

So then, given what you have recently posted, it is safe to assume the stepdaughter's mother's medical procedure involves having her head removed from her arse.

Haha this really made me laugh!! Thank you, I needed that!!

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ShineBlueSky · 25/03/2026 00:24

So then, given what you have recently posted, it is safe to assume the stepdaughter's mother's medical procedure involves having her head removed from her arse.

pineapplesundae · 24/03/2026 21:34

Is there anyone else who can help out?

outerspacepotato · 24/03/2026 00:09

crazycatladyof6 · 23/03/2026 09:27

@outerspacepotato yes, she’s withholding now ;(

So now you know she's taking advantage and punishing when you don't jump to her bidding. She's cool with you and your husband losing out annual leave time to watch her kid when she saves hers for herself.

You will get what you tolerate. Weaponizing kids to get childcare is unacceptable behaviour. She withholds, you let her. She's thinking you will give way but this is where you don't or you'll be her doormat forever. Don't feed her drama. When she says you won't be seeing her kid, your answer is ok. If she asks you to do childcare, your answer is no, I have to work. Her childcare, not your problem.

If you don't put yourself first here, no one else will and you'll get no thanks for being a martyr for a spoiled adult woman.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 23/03/2026 23:01

crazycatladyof6 · 23/03/2026 09:27

@outerspacepotato yes, she’s withholding now ;(

Emotional blackmail because she can't get her own way and will have to look after her own child an extra couple of days while her mother can't. Sounds like a gem.

Loving your grandchild doesn't mean you can be treated like this, hell would freeze over before I would do her any favours again.

Yardbrushes · 23/03/2026 22:58

Absolutely.
Don't ever negotiate with terrorists.
Let her parent her child.
Time for you to show her that you will not be used and treated poorly.

@PullTheBricksDown this type are all mouth until they realise they need help.
She has shown how little she thinks of you.
Take note.

crazycatladyof6 · 23/03/2026 22:25

PullTheBricksDown · 23/03/2026 20:46

Hold tight because in my experience of this happening to a friend of mine, it lasts until they realise they now have to parent their child all the time, or certainly when their usual mug (her mum) can't manage it, and they change their tune. Just wait it out.

I think you’re right and this is exactly what her own mum used to do to us when they were children. It’s so difficult but you’re right, we do need to stand our ground on this

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PullTheBricksDown · 23/03/2026 20:46

crazycatladyof6 · 23/03/2026 09:27

@outerspacepotato yes, she’s withholding now ;(

Hold tight because in my experience of this happening to a friend of mine, it lasts until they realise they now have to parent their child all the time, or certainly when their usual mug (her mum) can't manage it, and they change their tune. Just wait it out.

pinkyredrose · 23/03/2026 13:10

crazycatladyof6 · 23/03/2026 09:27

@outerspacepotato yes, she’s withholding now ;(

She doesn't sound a very decent person in that case.

crazycatladyof6 · 23/03/2026 09:27

outerspacepotato · 22/03/2026 18:25

Stop being a doormat. She's taking advantage of you and you're using up vacation time to help out someone who works part time and wants more from you.

Time to start saying no. Will she withhold? Probably. But then childcare is hers to deal with, as it should be.

@outerspacepotato yes, she’s withholding now ;(

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