To be feeling low that husband doesn’t want a third

I think your reason is much more selfish than his…. You’ve effectively said you want a newborn - to create a whole new person - as therapy for how difficult things were with your second. What if that newborn experience is not perfect either, would you then want a fourth?

I really can’t get my head around you not being able to manage looking after your own children and then wanting to have another one. I know children have two parents but having more than you can manage without help is madness. Like those people who get big dogs and can’t walk them because they aren’t strong enough.

She's admitted she can't look after the two children she's got on her own, and you think her having a third would be a good idea?

Having a child to heal the experience of having the last one would be the height of selfishness.

You can't create a whole human life (and ask someone to be a parent again) just to fix a difficult experience. A child deserves to be wanted for itself.

What’s to say your third newborn phase would be calm and healing , from someone who has 3, it was anything but.
id be inclined to stick with 2 and enjoy the freedom with your husband that being out the baby stage brings. If he takes up this hobby make sure you get the same time

OP admits she can't deal with two children without her husband's help. Why is a third a good idea in this situation?

If you couldn’t cope with your own two young children for one day on a weekend I can understand his reluctance to agree to a third sorry

I never understood the need for 3 kids.

How do you know you’ll stop there?
What if you have a third and then want another and another?

I think 2 kids with a small age gap sounds perfect.
Having a 3rd with a 5+ year age gap could cause all sorts of problems.

I really feel for you OP and have been in a very very similar position. It was a good 3 years of heartbreak as I came to terms with it, but ultimately I had to do so, as I couldn't risk bringing a child into the world who was going to cause resentment between us. Similar to you, my husbands reasons were very 'head' and mine were all 'heart' but that doesn't make either of the reasons more or less valid. It's a loss, you are allowed to grieve it, and with time it will hurt less.

Two things can be the case - you are not unreasonable for feeling resentful about not having a third and he is not unreasonable for not wanting one. I have been there and it’s hard - wanting a third is not necessarily logical and it’s not something you can easily just get over. You can only really acknowledge how you feel (perhaps he needs to as well), allow yourself to feel it and as time goes by the feeling will lessen if not go away.

I agree with your husband's position.

Why would you have another baby if you can't handle the two you have for a day by yourself? Keeping your husband at home by having another baby could really cause resentment.

Your having another baby would not heal the pain you felt from your second son's surgery. Plus, there are no guarantees. You might consider therapy if it's still affecting you after 4 years.

This!

golf every Saturday is wildly unfair

OP everyone on mumsnet thinks two is the perfect number or sometimes one too many. Mumsnet is very anti 3 or more children. You’ve sadly come to the wrong place for sympathy.

i had a huge huge yearning for a third. It was like a deep pain. We have a third in the end and it’s made my heart sing. So I get how you are feeling. I understand it completely. It’s real and it’s valid and it’s a deep urge. You aren’t going crazy. I totally respect that you don’t want to leave your husband and you love him still. It could possibly have made me resent mine

He sounds sensible. You struggled with the two boys alone so how will you cope with a baby as well? Even if you returned to work you would still have the school holidays while on mat leave managing two children that are probably quite active while also coping with a baby and fitting them into it. Would you expect him to free up time to help with this too?
Also sounds wise financially. If you are already offering children private education it would be wrong to have to pull them out just so you can have a baby.

Maybe you need to find a hobby for yourself too, then you won't resent him wanting to return to his. He sounds like a good man in that he has been there supporting you (unlike many husbands we read about on here) so I agree with him that it would be nice now the kids are older to get back to doing other things.

That is an excellent point.

Having a child effects everyone not having one effects no one and a child is not an accessory to fix something

I think you need to respect how we feels and not have a third.
I didn't want a second despite my husband wanting one and he completely respects my reasons. So we've kept at 1.

The one who doesn't want to create and raise another child always gets the final say. Besides, if you can't cope with two children by yourself (what's that all about?), you're hardly going to be able to manage three.

He also has made hints about returning to play his favourite sport which hasn’t been possible the last few years because I found it too much having the boys all day on Saturdays (when if he was at home we’d be able to share the load and get rest etc).

Having another child will not make things any easier, in a practical sense, will it?

I think booking plans for the four of you to enjoy would help - holidays & days out. And both of you should get at least 3-4 hours on a weekend for individual hobbies. It'll help if you fill your time with things that fulfill you both!

Though perspectives may change if you clarify the DH hobby thing - e.g. a full day of golf every week = unreasonable. A few hours at footy = very reasonable.

Yes and i’d imagine this is a big part of it. Your DH wants to get back to some hobbies and that’s perfectly reasonable.

Just in case you’re already at the point of “how do I accept this” instead of “how do I change this” and would like some practical advice…

Book some fun stuff. Book a holiday family holiday with your children. Explore new activities that they are only just growing into, that a baby could not do. Book nights out with friends. Spend adult time with family. Start doing all the things you put off when you have a baby, even little things like having 10 minutes extra in bed once the children are old enough to go downstairs and play unsupervised for a little while. Let them wash the dishes and enjoy having one less job on your own to-do list (while teaching them valuable life skills).

Enjoy as much as you can, build in fun, plan things you enjoy, give yourself nice things to look forward to, both with your children, and in your own.

You have 2 healthy, beautiful boys, don’t miss out on that by yearning for something else. Love what you have and really notice it

"I do think the experience of having a “normal” newborn phase would be healing."
A human being should not be used as a "healing" process for it's parent's disappointment over the not-normal circumstances of another child's health. I'm sorry OP, but I think you need to work through the remaining distress over those circumstances before you consider having another child. The same thing could happen again, nothing is certain.
I also think that you need to consider the impact on your DC's lives of having an extra sibling. Money is certainly not everything, but if they really are all set for private school and help with uni costs, and that can't happen if you have another, that's quite a big difference, even before you get into the childcare issue.

I was you 10 years ago, we have 2 children and I wanted a 3rd - DH didn’t for all the reasons your DH has mentioned. I look back now and am so pleased we didn’t- the teenage years have been hell with one of my children, we have freedom, nights out and are able to afford everything the kids still need.