To be feeling low that husband doesn’t want a third

Also what others said above. If the two boys are too much for you to handle for a day, I wouldn’t recommend a third. It can be tiring for me as well to be solely responsible for the kids for a full day, but it’s nothing I couldn’t handle. I’ve done it lots of times and quite often end up having a nice day with the kids. Not saying this to imply I’m a better mum, but just for you to consider that maybe three kids might just be too much for you as well - it would be for me!

You can’t look after 2 children on your own and you want a third?? I don’t blame your husband one bit.

Yes, I have only just started to feel myself again in the past few months when I've picked up my hobbies again. My son is 2.5, and he's great fun, becoming easier all the time, and we can easily give each other a break.

Every time I get a twinge, I remember how miserable I was not to have the time or energy to do my hobbies.

And of course MN favours two children in this scenario - because it's fundamentally unreasonable to make someone have a child they don't want.

If you couldn’t cope with two kids why would you want a third? Sorry if that sounds harsh. I don’t mean it to be, I just can’t make sense of it

So you can't cope with 2 of them on your own but want to have another? In what world would this be a good idea

I think your dh is right

I understand your DH. I have two DC who are 7 and 5. And it would absolutely kill me if I had to start over with a baby at this point. I feel like I’ve reached my limit of very young children parenting and couldn’t take it anymore. So yes it would be a big deal to have a 3rd and go through another year with a baby, years with a toddler and beyond. I love my kids and I’m so happy to have them, but at this stage I’m already really looking forward to getting some freedom back. It’s not a small thing. And in a way our daily life has only got more intense as now they both start to have hobbies and activities we need to accompany them to. So even if the actual childcare gets easier, the overall intensity won’t necessarily.

Stupid to say he’s selfish for not wanting a 3rd, you wanting a 3rd at the expense of your husbands feelings and being able to afford the same quality of life for your existing 2 kids is significantly more selfish.

Affects

I really feel for you OP. I've been mourning the third DC I will never have for about five years now. I love my two to pieces but I've longed for three since I was young. DH is adamant we won't have another though - citing the same reasons as your DH - so that's that. The constant grief and jealousy is overwhelming, and I cry on a daily basis. I'm ashamed to say I've cut contact with a friend who is currently pregnant with her third, because it's too painful to be around her, and I deleted social media several years ago, because every time I saw a photo of a family of five I got upset. I keep these thoughts completely to myself, but I'm just so full of anger and bitterness. I'm desperate to move past this but don't know how.

He is selfish because he won't go along with your wants ! Are you not being a bit selfish too ?

Ah OP. I’ve been here. I had to ultimately respect my husbands wishes and we stuck with two. I still have a pang of regret but it doesn’t last long. As my kids have grown up life has become more challenging and I am glad I only have two to navigate life with.

I hope it passes for you.

Don't do it. I did and it cost me my marriage. Have councilling and stay at 2 boys.

A friend of mine threatened to leave her husband if he didn't agree to a third child. He didn't take kindly to her threats and divorced her. She never had a third, is now living alone and has to share her children 50% with her ex husband. She is miserable and wishes she never pushed for a third!

This! I missed this point you made @Toastedteacake88 tbh I feel you definitely need counselling! This is NOT a reason to have another dc! What if it’s traumatic all over again?? What would you do then…want another?? Insanity!

Even without a third I wouldn't be happy with him planning to have every Saturday to himself, that's not fair.

Your hypothetical third baby would be coming into the world with a 'job'. In this case, to provide you with a more typical newborn experience to help you heal from what happened to your second son. What if s/he doesn't provide that?

I would suggest that counselling would be a better step towards healing, which I sincerely hope you do achieve in the future.

You think a man should be forced to father a child he doesn't want? Firstly, that's insane and secondly, what sort of a relationship is he likely to have with the child and the mother afterwards?

You can’t have another DC because you want to have a better experience of pregnancy/birth/newborn phase. I did want a second anyway but if I’m being honest part of it was because i really wanted to go into natural labour and not be induced. And guess what - I had a cs. While i was waiting for the cs I had a moment of panic and total devastation as I felt cheated. You can’t presume that another DC will give you a better experience. You just can’t.

In this I think a woman's feelings should take first place - though obviously not without a limit.
Women are time limited for having children, men are not - I imagine if men knew they were unlikely to have another child after 45 or so their attitude would be utterly different.
Maybe there should be compulsary vasectomies for married men at 50 to concentrate their thinking on the subject.

I sympathise but I agree with your husband here. We had a fairly traumatic NICU experience with my first, and a second baby did not fix that, in fact it gave me PTSD through the whole pregnancy, especially when I did everything right in my second pregnancy, but still had high risk complications, early delivery and extensive hospital visits for the first few months. A band aid baby will not fix that experience for you, but individual therapy might help.

If it makes you feel better, we did do therapy after our first. It helped us to re-focus on us, what we saw in each other, and how to support each other better. I was so hell bent on getting pregnant again after the first one, and just being done with it that it had become a major issue for my husband who needed time and space to decompress from what was frankly a hellish first year with a baby. We did go onto have another baby several years later, but through the choice of both of us. If one person really dissents, well you see it here a lot, "dad awol during pregnancy" "dad feeling depressed" "dad not involved" etc. Don't mess up what actually sounds like a good marriage and great family for a "what if".

As a previous poster says, I also really understand this desire as I was the same - and I have to say now we’ve got our third child I feel completely done and like this is how it’s meant to be. So you are not BU to feel the way you do.

BUT your husband has to be on board too. And I think the fact you struggle to look after the two kids you do have by yourself should be a big pause for thought - it is really difficult taking two kids and a baby out or entertaining them all at once. And life means you do often have to do that solo. How would you actually cope? Especially if your husband is ready to move on from the baby stage psychologically?

It does really slow down the move to the next phase of life, and you’re back with nappies and sleepless nights and nap schedules. It sounds like your husband is ready for date nights and big kid adventures and that’s fair enough. I think you need to either figure out how you could actually cope better and make your pitch to him one last time, or find a way to accept the positives of sticking with two.

You struggle to look after the two children you have? Would having a third child be a good idea? Also, think ahead to the teen years OP, they aren’t cheap
at all!

I didn’t say good idea or not good idea. I empathised with the yearning

I didn’t say it was a good idea or not a good idea. I said I understood the feeling

Sorry OP but your DH gets to say no for any reason or no reason. It's shit but both of you have to want it and you don't.