To be feeling low that husband doesn’t want a third

It doesn’t sound like there’s any compromise from the OP though, her husband has already given up his hobby for years and she’s expecting him to do so for a lot longer because she wants a third child and can’t cope (her own words) with even two of them by herself.

Needing him to agree to a third child he doesn’t even want but still expecting him to not restart his hobby and stay home on Saturdays means it’s all on her terms.

For what it’s worth I’m not against 3 children, I say this as someone who is pregnant with a third baby and two younger children than the OP’s. 😅

What if the next baby has serious SEN or a birth defect? You already weren’t coping with two boys on your own. Think of how much worse off everyone’s lives would be. As it stands you will never have to deal with nor your children endure the state school system. That alone would make me very happy to stick at 2.

I totally understand OP. My DH didn’t want a third. Mine are 8 and 10 and I am still sad about it and I don’t think that feeling will ever fully leave me. I wouldn’t have “accidentally” got pregnant, but sometimes I wish that I had (yes I’ll be flamed). I don’t have any advice.

I think MN is quite rightly anti a 3rd child when it’s “we are in a one bed 6th floor flat with no lift, should we have another?”
However half of the parents in this case don’t want a third. A disinterested parent is incredibly damaging for a child. I’d also be worried a third roll of the dice would bring disabilities/ND’s which will impact the older kids.

Going to watch the cricket game - probably not, you’ll be driving the kids to their own matches if my experience is anything to go by. In fact Dad may have to give up his game to facilitate the kids sporting ambitions, thats how it works. Sporty dads tend to breed sporty kids!

How old are you OP? I felt like this late 30’s. I definitely didn’t want another, it was just hormones and soon went away.

It is hard, when one partner feels one way and one partner the other, but unfortunately the fact you don’t agree with him doesn’t make his feelings wrong, and it certainly doesn’t make him selfish. It sounds as though he is generally a committed, good father but that he’s happy with his lot as it is. You say that you could go down as a four to watch him, but that’s not the point (and you don’t do that now as a three so that’s years off anyway!)
My husband is similarly minded, although has slightly different reasons for not wanting a third, and although it hurts to accept I won’t have any more children, I know it’s the right thing. I can’t imagine forcing the issue, or trying to emotionally twist his arm, and having a child who wasn’t 100% wanted by both parents.

I get the yearning OP but your husband has totally valid reasons and not selfish at all.
Your want doesn't mean that it's right for the family unit.
I initially wanted a third until I realised the level that life would have to shift. Most things in life for families are geared towards 2 children, from holiday set up to car options to family passes for places.
DH was always happy at 2 so I respected that and he got the snip!

The financial step up is often high and that's not short term that's minimum 18 years (or til 22ish if going to uni).

Why does he need counselling? His reasoning is sound and he's happy. Be grateful for what you have. Your children each have a sibling.

Agree with this. All of it.

A man does not owe his partner as many children as SHE wants.

Yes but there's no real reason for a third other than "you want one".

Honestly having your life back a bit after babies and small children is incredible and you could drag me to hell before I went back to nappies and no sleep.

All 3 of you could come and watch him now. He doesn't need to wait 5 years for it to be four of you.

"It's like he's prioritising getting back to playing cricket whilst he's still young enough over having another member of the family!"

Yes, he is. He WANTS to play cricket, so he's prioritising that, over another child that he so clearly is telling you he doesn't want.

Having a child is not a “need”, its a want. A powerful want maybe, but definitely a want.

Particularly if they already have two children.

Why should the desire for even more children take emotional or ethical precedence over the right of the existing children to have their needs met, the right of the other parent to not have a child and the right of the unborn child to be wanted by both parents?

I’m sorry I’m sure someone will be along shortly to say no one can ever understand the primal longing for another child etc, but I think it’s childish to turn this into an issue when you have two healthy existing children. Understandable to be disappointed and sad. Not understandable to stew on it and turn it into a schism in the family.

Neither one of you are wrong and neither one of you should be trying to change the other person’s mind, it’s a personal decision and any reason is entirely valid.

The only way you’re both going to get through this is to listen to each other and support each other with the next phase, don’t dismiss any reason between you for who you feel, but the frank truth is there is no compromise that can be had here, and ultimately you should only have a child when both are 100% on board. But your DH can still support you and help you through this. If you can’t get over it, you have a difficult decision to make.

I don’t think Mumsnet is “anti” people having three children. Its just that in this scenario its very clear that its not the right thing to do.

The needs of the person not wanting more children always take priority for obvious reasons. Talking about using counselling to “bring someone round” to an idea they are clearly set against for sensible reasons suggests someone without a good grasp on reality.

@jacks11@jacks11You've misinterpreted my point on counselling and talking things through. She is not healed and needs more time to accept a joint decision and he needs to support her accordingly. It is not for persuasion of having a 3rd or persuasion of not having one, it is an impartial person, to help them both see each other's viewpoint when help with her healing, as ultimately her loving her husband and staying with him is her decision, yet he still needs to understand her deep desire while they confirm this decision together.

The community comment I mean like yours, telling her to get her own counselling and deal alone with something that should be done together. So yes, let’s agree to disagree on how she moves forward. She asked for help on how she can feel better. It doesn’t appear she is coming back to read anything anyway. Take care.

Your DH’s reasons for not having another child are perfectly reasonable.

`He wants to take part in his hobby, which is fair enough, as it would be if you had an hobby, and if you couldn’t manage 2 alone, you’d find 3 impossible.

Plus the finances.

Just enjoy the two you’ve got.

I think you'd find if a dad posted on here that he wanted a third child but his wife didn't that the overwhelming majority would side with the wife. Having children should be because both parents are enthusiastically consenting and that's all there should be to say on the matter.

I agree you’re being unreasonable and I think you should get therapy to heal from the previous birth trauma instead of having another baby (which could again be traumatic - pregnancy, birth, pp risks) that your husband really didn’t want instead

I don’t ageee with you at all. There cannot be a compromise on a binary choice- one person has to get their wish 100% whilst the other does not get anything they want. It is unfortunate, but that is life.

There is no “community’ say or support needed as to whether they have another child. Both parties feelings do matter,and op is not wrong in her desire for a 3rd child, but nor is he wrong to not want to expand their family. ultimately the one saying “ I do not want more children” has the final say because a child deserves to be wanted by both parent and nobody should force/coerce or emotionally blackmail someone into have a child. It’s not right or fair. OP’s husband has been honest about his feelings and her DH have had a discussion about another child and he has given her his reasons. She just does not agree they are valid, which is unreasonable.

OP’s husband is not saying she cannot ever have a 3rd child. He is saying she can’t have one with him. OP is entitled to decide that this is a dealbreaker for her and move on in the hope of finding someone to have a 3rd child with (or via sperm donation etc) but she has absolutely no right to try and force her husband to have another child because that’s what she wants. I know op has said she does not intend to leave- therefore she has made a decision for herself with regard to a 3rd DC.

counselling should never be done in attempt to persuade orcoerce someone into doing something they have already stated they do not want. A good counsellor is mover going to provide an opinion one way or another on whether a couple should have a baby and would not be involved in supporting OP to get her way. They would only be there to facilitate any issues within their marriage brought up by this difference, not to get one party to change their mind. In op\s DH’s position I would not agree to counselling given her current framing it as a way to get me to change my mind because my reasons for not wanting more children were selfish and invalid. That is not the basis to progress to counselling. OP may benefit from counselling for herself to work through her feelings related to their 2nd son’s birth and her idea a 3rd would be healing if it were “normal”, to and to help her with her feelings regarding her desire for a 3rd child which her husband won’t agree to.

OP, it’s a joint decision, with pros and cons, current vs future reasons, including chance of regret for a yes or a no, to be made by you both as a couple. Planned, true, open and honest conversation.

Hypothetical ‘dad is right, because a baby deserves to be wanted by both’ should not overrule the decision process now, where both of your view points are taken into deep consideration, reflected upon, with all feelings acknowledged.
Your original idea of counselling together, could be explored before your final decision as a couple? (as you don’t sound like you’re there yet) - your own good advice on how to feel better.

Nobody can tell you that you will feel relieved in 10 years for not having a baby because they did, or you’ll look back and regret not having a baby, because they did. Our growth, needs and healing are all different and individual. You need unbiased support from community.

I think the thread is predominantly in favour of a child having two willing parents.

Well if it's that important then leave the husband and have another baby with someone else who wants one. He can't stop her doing that

Having another child, especially an unwanted one, means making far more sacrifices than not having one.

The potential child matters more than either parent. If one parent doesn’t want to have that child, it’s a no-go, no matter how badly the other parent wants them.

Exactly. A child deserves to be wanted by both parents

Certainly not. As a child deserves to be wanted by both parents, the parent who doesn’t want to have another child gets a veto.