To be feeling low that husband doesn’t want a third

What if (god forbid) the baby wasn't healthy?

I think it's fine to be a bit selfish about reasons not to have another because it's essentially about the lifestyle he wants for your children and him and you as a whole. If your eldest is 6 and he's not allowed to do the sport until I guess this imaginary 3rd is 4, that's potentially another half decade or more of not doing the sport, and with already over half a decade off, there's a chance that he'll age out of being able to play it at a certain level and will have lost well over a decade of doing something that I'd guess brings him joy, community, a sense of achievement, passion, physical activity in a form he enjoys, some friendships, all sorts. If my husband wasn't allowed to play his sport while our children were young, he and we would've lost so much of what enriches our lives as a whole family now.

I'm not saying a sport takes priority over a child but I feel like it's totally fine to say I love these 2 children we already have, I'm happy with our family unit but that I also want and need to do something with my time that's important to me.

I'd have loved one more baby but financially it just didn't work out at the time and now my youngest's 14 and I'm so happy with the life that we have with the children that we did have. We had ours much younger than most of our peers and we're getting that freedom and independence back into our lives now. And I love that we can do more grown up things with our children now that they're all teens. And I think it's been good for them to see both me and my husband pursuing our hobbies and interests and passions outside of work through sports, music, volunteering etc. That sport that my husband continued to play is now a big passion of our boys, he coaches one of the teams, they spend so much positive time together because of this sport. Sure, it's tricky when they're very young but we'd go and watch him, or when they got to an age where they had their own weekend sports and activities, he did his thing and I did the kid thing and it was fine because I did my things on weekday evenings.

One more baby becomes an extra child, an extra teen, an extra adult, an extra meal at every dinner out, an extra seat on every travel plan, an extra room on holidays, a more expensive bigger car, a more expensive bigger house, and so on. Even without the private schooling, it's not just a baby, it's a whole life.

But I do get it. I had great births, I enjoyed parenting, I think I did a decent job of it. But I've had to reflect that it was enough to do that all well for the number of children that we could afford not the number of children we could physically have. My husband was from a very large family and he really wanted to make sure we could give our kids the kind of experiences that he wasn't able to have when he was young because there were always so many people.

I hear you. DH and I always talked about having three but after our second, he said he didn’t want any more. It caused some resentment and tension for a while but we got through it. Nearly 18 years on, I’m glad we stuck with two. In practical terms, cars, holidays etc are all easier with two. The cost of living and global instability also make me glad we only have the two.

We didn’t send ours to private school but we have had some brilliant holidays and experiences which we wouldn’t have been able to afford with three.

When your hormones are very strongly telling you to have another baby, it’s painful not to. But you will get past it.

No, but presumably they take up other time? Time in which you are not doing the child care.

Hobbies are great. Getting time back to have a life outside of children is great, more, it’s vital.

As others have said, your husband has given lots of valid reasons for not wanting a larger family. The only reasons you have given for wanting a third are ‘because I always wanted a bigger family’ - great, but so what? I always wanted to live in a massive house, be a rock star and not have to work much, but reality got in the way. There is a difference between fantasy and what actually works.
And that you think another child will help heal the pain of the difficult experience you had with your second child. A child should never be brought into the world to try and fix anything. Therapy might help there but not a child. And, as others have said, both parents need to want this or you bring a child into the world who may be resented.

That's what I was thinking 🤔 OP wants a mini me

Because a 3rd baby needs to be not just in your interests. You need to think about your 2 boys. You haven’t said how it will benefit them. You’ve just gone on about your trauma and how you want to heal yourself through others instead of doing the work

You have your own set of hobbies, but resent your husband returning to his…

This is why you’re not getting any sympathy. It’s all you you you. But it’s not you you you. It’s your husband and 2 other kids fgs

If your family was volatile and emotionally difficult, all the more reason to keep your family unit manageable financially, and to have more time to spend with each child, listening to them, helping them build resilience, fostering their interests and strengths, overcoming their weaknesses. The bigger the family, the less attention you can give to ensuring it is emotionally functional and not volatile.

You can’t help how you feel and imo you’re feelings are valid, but so are your DH’s.

I’m currently pregnant with our second and I’m so gutted I won’t experience this again, the snuggly newborn and the kicks etc but DH is against a 3rd and logically and financially he is right so although I will probably always have that “what if” I know we are doing the right thing stopping at 2.

I noticed you mentioned finding it a lot on a Saturday all day with just the 2 boys so imagine how you would feel with 3!

Your DH doesn’t need counselling and I think it’s a slippery slope you’re going down right now. I would maybe get therapy for yourself.

Your DH isn’t being selfish

I am on DH’s side here but I do get the not done yet feelings, remember how lucky you are to have 2 beautiful kids I know it’s cliche but not everyone gets to experience that x

We have 2 and my OH would like a 3rd (I am F, he is M). My youngest is 2 and it's just starting to get a bit easier. He is sleeping better (they've both been pretty bad sleepers). I am starting to get my fitness back after struggling to be consistent for the last 5 years (eldest is 5 soon).

I can see that another baby would be lovely in some ways but I have found it hard having to sacrifice so much to be a parent. Whilst my OH has sacrificed just as much (aside from growing them and BFing them he has done just as much as me, if not more) he feels like it would be worth going through it again. I disagree. That doesn't make me any more selfish than him, because having another child is not an altruistic act - HE wants another child because it would make HIM happy. There's nothing wrong with wanting another kid but let's not pretend it's inherently less selfish than not wanting one.

Neither of us is wrong in our positions but ultimately because we don't agree, we won't have another child. I know it must be frustrating for you but you are a team and you both need to be on board.

I think you need to work on accepting his decision and not being resentful.

Seeing people talk about it as deep biological urge or something is so bizarre to me!

@waddlepenguin

It's scary to see some people talk about bringing life as a 'need' rather than just a desire i.e., want. And there's nothing wrong with a want.

I agree. I will probably get shot but I have always found it quite spoiled when people who already have healthy children go on about having powerful “biological yearnings” or “urges” to have more when it’s very obviously not in anyone’s interests.

You want another kid, you can’t have one. It probably hurts for a bit and by all means feel sorry for yourself but stop painting it with this quasi pagan Mother Earth bollocks. You’re not some specially chosen fertility vessel and there is no mythical entitlement to keep having more children.

Someone once said that women often want another baby.Just Nature I guess. Its hard to realise that your youngest was your "last" as such, and you wont have that lovely freshly minted newborn again.However two children is a nice number.I have two older now ,and feel happy with that figure .The COL is so high now, and having both at private School is a wonderful advantage for them. Mine had private tuition ,many after school clubs and holidays here and abroad. with 3 it will be a stretch I think and also 1 child "each" is easier to manage as well

If you can’t manage two small boys alone on a Saturday I wouldn’t be adding another to the family. I agree with your DH.

You are making yourself sound more ridiculous with every post!
He just wants some of his own life back, and who can blame him when you haven’t even been able to manage when he plays a sport he loves.
Being a parent doesn’t (shouldn’t) mean you cease to exist as a person with your own agency.
You’ve got a family, do you not have anything else going on in your life besides the desire to breed? I think that’s a pity. Do you work? Have a career? Hobbies?
Find other things to give you fulfilment, just like your husband is longing to.
If I were him, I would be booking the vasectomy appointment ASAP.
You are being wholly unreasonable.

I had intense biological cravings for a third child. But they went away and I am so glad they did.

Tbh, I agree with your DH. Two is such a good number. You are never outnumbered. It's just about affordable. They are close in age. With three, the constant juggling to keep everyone happy and occupied in the holidays, to be able to afford extra curricular for everyone, to explain to the little one why the older one has more freedom, or to the older one why a day trip or dinner out has to accommodate the more limited interests of a younger one.

A close friend has three DC and she often commented that we seemed to make effortless family plans for holidays, days out, dinner, special outings etc as we all agreed on what to do, but with her three at different ages and stages it was a constant battleground. Not to mention the taxi-ing to and from schools and clubs at different times.

I would have found it exhausting. It is 50% more work on top of what you already have, and 30% less attention for each of your existing DC which could make them play up, creating even more work.

It's scary to see some people talk about bringing life as a 'need' rather than just a desire i.e., want. And there's nothing wrong with a want.

But considering the immense possibility of damaging human life (intentionally or not - how many young people are in therapy these days?), adding the fact that the other parent does not have the desire to bring in an additional number, it feels unfair to the unborn child especially to want to have them.

The trauma from the 2nd birth is still present, and I would strongly recommend seeking support in that regard. However, there is no guarantee for a 'normal' birth. There is no guarantee for a 'healthy' child.

The desire seems to be for a baby as opposed to the reality that it is human life being brought into the world that will grow into a teenager and adult that you may or may not like.

Having another child to heal you from the trauma of your 2nd is unsettling.