To think this was unfair, and to take time off for mental health.

I'm glad you got something positive out of posting. I agree you could have self-sabotaged subconsciously.

Honestly, I totally get it. I've interviewed and had to turn down a role I loved and would have aced years ago, because I knew deep down I couldn't commit enough to take it on. There's so much more that goes with being a lone parent than 'just' the practicalities. Add grief into the mix and that's a lot to battle with day-to-day, it doesn't take an awful lot to derail you.

You are highly capable, it just isn't the time right now. Your time will come though, so will mine 😊

Look after yourself.

Civil Service here. This happens all the time. It comes down to how you answer the questions on the day and hitting the right competencies. They don't care how experienced you are or how good you are in the job. We have had some melts promoted into management who cannot do the job and people work around them but they uber-prepared for the interview and hey-ho they got the job.

You can't expect them to give you work time to prep for interview.
A week should be plenty of time to prep.
Why is 'replacement ' written in quotes?
They only have the interview notes to go off. This is in case someone appeals.
Sorry OP they've done nothing wrong.

So you have recent good examples you can use in interviews?

So sorry you’re going through a tough time OP. I understand your reaction to this situation is filtered by your current personal pressures but you need to be kinder to yourself.

you said they ‘chose’ someone else. But they didn’t, they had to give the job to the highest scorer. They didn’t have a choice. This wasn’t personal.

you mentioned the humiliation of being demoted. But you weren’t demoted, you made an active choice to move to a role that was lower paid so that you could work part time. This is a choice many women make to be a more present parent while their kids are small. There’s no humiliation here. Just a positive choice to prioritise your family.

I understand this is likely your mental health talking so I would talk to your therapist about some of your language around these things and reframing these in your mind.

Sorry but you weren’t the best candidate and you didn’t get the job. It’s tough but it’s not personal so don’t take it that way.
You also didn’t get demoted as in a bad way, yiu chose to step down so you could go part time, you could have chosen not to , it’s not unreasonable for them to do that for some positions where it wouldn’t be fair on colleagues if you weren’t there every day (not saying you made the wrong choice I’m just saying it was your choice ultimately).
From reading your post it seems to me you’re not in the right place for a promotion anyway, I think you need to prioritise your mental health and wait until you’re feeling stronger before considering it.
Think carefully about going off sick, if you go off long term now it will be obvious it’s because of the job and it will look like sour grapes.
Take a few days off first and have a rest while your DS is at school, you can self certify for that, tell them you have D&V or something. Then go back feeling a bit more positive and start job hunting if you feel like you don’t want to stay.

From my experience the civil service promotion board process is an absolute joke. They use the weirdest interview criteria ever, and very often end up choosing the worst possible candidate, who literally everyone who'd ever worked with them previously could have predicted was the worst person for the job. Said person then turns out to be utterly useless and with the candidates who failed to get the promotion often having to massively help them out.

The candidates who succeed are those who are good at getting through the promotion interview process, which very often is no reflection of their ability to actually perform well in the promoted post. I'd go as far as to say it is those who are the best at telling everyone how great they are rather than actually being competent.

This opinion is based on decades of watching the wrong people being promoted. No skin in the game myself as I was a plodder happy to stay where I was for an easier life . It was thoroughly depressing however to watch talented capable colleagues passed over time after time in favour of useless aresholes.

This really.
If I had applied for a job I would be checking emails regularly to make such that I didn't miss an invite to interview. It's on you and you don't sound particularly tenacious.

OP, I really feel for you. I think you're grieving and I think a promotion is not what you need right now. I appreciate you're trying to get your life back on track, and that's commendable, especially so soon after losing your mum. A year is not long. It took me much longer to get back to "normal" after my dad died, and I'm not the same person I was before. It changes your reality and understanding of existence.

I quit my high-level job, and I now work part-time in a less demanding role. I'm so much better emotionally that I could apply for my old job again... but I'm not going to. I earn enough money, I don't worry about work, and I have time to enjoy my life while I'm fit and healthy. Life is precious, as you know. Is getting a "better" job really that important to you? Why?

Having been through it, my advice is to prioritise your health (physical and mental). If you think going sick will take the pressure off, do it. Practice mindfulness; slow down, look around and notice all the simple things you are grateful for. Go out in nature, observe the environment coming to life in Spring. Understand that life goes on, long after we are all dead. You might not feel gratitude or joy, but one day you will, and then you'll know that recovery is possible.

The most constructive thing I have found to do post interview is to get proper feedback. Not the couple of lines the panel puts on CS jobs. Search out the chair and ask for 15 mins of their time to talk through what could be improved. It is absolutely excruciating but if they are honest, really will help if there is a next time.

Also, they might have overlooked you because you have a lot going on at the moment. They are maybe aware that the time is just not right.

If you go off now, you will just be proving they were right to not give you the role.

Push on, show up, keep smiling, look for another job maybe?

I am sorry about your mum and divorce and all the stress OP it sounds awful. I don't think you should force yourself to work however going off sick with stress when you didn't get the job could come across as petty and flouncing off and Im not sure how well that would reflect on your in the long term to be honest. I'd be more inclined to ask for a meeting with your manager and explain you're struggling- with depression, grief and now feeling disappointed with the outcome. You might get more clarity about their decision and some support at work.

Well, other than if there are any more redundancies, then you may have no job at all.
I think you are lucky to have a PT job. Which will give you time to lick your wounds, look after your Dad, see more of your DC.
You are not a failure.

Don't help your new manager, let them flounder, maybe they are on a trial !

Sorry OP it sounds like you have had a hard time. In all fairness though if you are struggling to get out of bed and do laundry then maybe this promotion wouldn't have been the best idea for you at this time. Maybe focus on getting your mental health back on track and then look into another opportunity when you are feeling better. I would not go off sick though as it looks a bit like sour grapes that you did not get the job.

They absolutely cannot demote you in the way you describe. Not for asking for a different working pattern. If that's what happened you need to speak to the Union as soon as possible. You don't need to be a member.

The application for your old job is a separate matter. It's shit but you didn't get the top score out of all the interviewees so there's no one to blame and nothing you can do apart from dust yourself off and move on. The system is the way it is to ensure it is fair, although success depends entirely in your ability to play the game of behaviours etc.

In your shoes I would try to take a few days leave to recover and do some self care if you can, but going sick is to be avoided unless you really have to. People think the civil service gives you an easier time if it than the private sector but must if the time it does not. The trigger for unacceptable attendance is low and if you really were too ill to work at any point, those days will count towards it.

If your line manager is a compassionate sort you could explain that you are struggling at the moment and you could consider an OH referral.

I'm sorry you are going through a horrible time OP.

Well you can only have STAR answers if you have relevant situations that you can call to mind. So your experience is important too.

I think mistake you made is assuming they know you and can use that information in the process. As I understand it civil service interviews are scored and it’s on what is in your application and answers. We are same in local govt. It can feel awkward for an internal applicant. We remind everyone at start it’s a scored system and they need to answer questions fully.
I got a promotion over a colleague who had 30yrs service and had previously done the role as mat cover v my 2 years service because I scored higher in interview.
I’m sorry you didn’t get the promotion. Maybe it wasn’t the best time to up hours with everything you have to deal with.

Echo what’s above. I’m really sorry you didn’t get it, but they have done nothing wrong and gave the role to the best candidate. I’d agree taking some annual leave and having a break might be a good idea - maybe think about what you want career-wise going forward. Access the EAP for support? Maybe speak to your line manager too. It’s totally crap not getting a job you really want op, I get it.

Sadly not everyone is as stoic (as you put it), and I know people who are in the lost parents club and are still struggling with the loss of their mum/dad after years of them passing.

That's the beauty of everyone being unique.

Sorry to hear you are also a part of the LPC.

OP, aside from the promotion.
It sounds like you are struggling mentally, both with the grief of your mum at the time of the anniversary, and the stress / overwhelm of preparing and interviewing, and it sounds like you're spiralling due to the outcome of all of it.
I personally think it does sound like you need to take some time off for your mental health - but I don't think you should say it's due to the job (which I genuinely don't think is the real issue). I think it sounds like your self esteem, self worth, and ability to cope right now has been deleted so much that this feels much bigger and much more unfair than it is. It's so tough juggling a career with being a mum even without a bereavement and a stressful restructure.
If you are struggling, take some time. Get your head in a better place.
Come back stronger.
Maybe now wasn't the right time - and that's ok. There will be opportunities elsewhere, and although you feel like total crap now I am sure it will get better once you get out of this headspace and realise your value and potential. I think it's just been bad timing this time around.
Hugs.

I voted that YANBU because of what you were/are going through.
You definitely need to have some time for you. Go to your GP and tell them that you are struggling to function (the getting out of bed, not being able to get general chores done etc).
They will likely prescribe an antidepressant and suggest talking therapies which you're doing already and sign you off for a bit. You can ask for that as well if they don't suggest it but be careful that you don't get stuck in the dark. There is light, I promise you.

There is no shame in being depressed and having to take a little medicated support. Please be aware though that not many people come off antidepressants so if you can try and heal holistically, I would suggest trying that more so.
I've been taking antidepressants since 2012 and is love to come off them one day but I came to peace with the fact that I may need medicinal intervention for the rest of my life to help me live a normal and functioning life as possible.

I don't think they were BU for giving the role to a more suitable candidate as they can do what they like, it's business but I hope you get the support you need.

Sending you a lot of love and hugs