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Original poster

To ask for solid advice on police obligations re harrassment by abusive ex

41 replies

thestudio · 17/03/2026 20:04

Hi there - complicated situation but I am looking for urgent advice from anyone who is clued up on the Met's statutory and/or self-imposed and/or other obligations in relation to complaints of sexual and other violence against women.

Sorry to ask, but if you don't have real experience in this area would you mind not giving advice? please feel free to comment obviously, but I don't have very long to follow well-meant suggestions through and sort them, as we're likely to have meeting first thing tomorrow.

Here's the situation:
I'm helping someone who is advocating for a young woman who escaped a very abusive relationship c. 1 year ago. Abuser is continuing contact, has previous charges for sexual and other violence against other women and one or more court case (unsure of outcomes of any/all).

Following survivor report of harassment and original abuse, Met appeared to be taking extremely seriously, said they had enough to arrest. Survivor gave consent to do so (not sure if they needed it but ok) and provided info to assist in arrest - approx 3 months ago.

Since then crickets. Today was told case had been put on desk of officer who then 'went on holiday' and since then 'we havent' been able to locate abuser.' Survivor located him in under 5 mins and sent info. Police now about to arrest abuser.

Clearly no confidence now in Met's ability to arrest without risk to survivor. Meeting tomorrow morning to ask that no arrest made until Met comply with what I am fucking hoping is a protocol around the danger to women in these situations.

Can anyone help with details of anything I could cite to help survivor and advocate in this meeting?

OP posts:
unlikelychump · 17/03/2026 21:32

Have you gotva referral to victim support or as asked elsewhere an idva/isva?

Also in the meeting id be asking whether he was likely to get bail, whether they have other things he is wanted for or just this. If he is unlikely to be released under investigation she is much safer if he is arrested.

As you point out they dont need her permission to arrest him, they will do it is it is in the public interest (broadly speaking). They may delay for a bit if there is a good reason. (Is there?). I'd also ask them how they will safeguard her.

PollyBell · 17/03/2026 21:30

thestudio · 17/03/2026 21:24

It's not that I think that would happen! I just need shortform info, without judgey asides, that will help this young woman. Maybe you should ask yourself why you felt compelled to post a 'well, you should have done X and it's a shame you didn't do Y'.

Why did you do that? You sound like someone who could actually help this very scared and desperate 20yo so I'm interested in why you thought it would be better to chastise me?

Show quote history

OP this is a parenting forum not a legal advice forum you need to seek legal advice from someone qualifed through official legal channels and if you genuinley want help your attitude will not make that possible here there or anywhere else

thestudio · 17/03/2026 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BlessedCheesemaker · 17/03/2026 21:25

thestudio · 17/03/2026 21:14

It's not that we don't want an arrest FGS! It's that we want them to understand that we are aware of any obligations they have to the Survivor when arresting, so that they take those obligations seriously and don't - as it now appears possible - say 'we've had a complaint, it's from X, here's her new address'.

Jesus, can you not see that everyone's trying their best here to prevent a really bad outcome, when none of us have any actual authority or experience? We just want the young woman concerned to get the maximum protection and be exposed to the minimum risk.

Show quote history

This is why you need an IDVA who does know and can advocate from that place of knowledge.

Original poster
thestudio · 17/03/2026 21:24

CarlaLemarchant · 17/03/2026 21:18

But why would you think that would happen? And stop getting arsey with me. I’ve taken the time to post the exact information you were asking for.

Show quote history

It's not that I think that would happen! I just need shortform info, without judgey asides, that will help this young woman. Maybe you should ask yourself why you felt compelled to post a 'well, you should have done X and it's a shame you didn't do Y'.

Why did you do that? You sound like someone who could actually help this very scared and desperate 20yo so I'm interested in why you thought it would be better to chastise me?

OP posts:
CarlaLemarchant · 17/03/2026 21:18

thestudio · 17/03/2026 21:14

It's not that we don't want an arrest FGS! It's that we want them to understand that we are aware of any obligations they have to the Survivor when arresting, so that they take those obligations seriously and don't - as it now appears possible - say 'we've had a complaint, it's from X, here's her new address'.

Jesus, can you not see that everyone's trying their best here to prevent a really bad outcome, when none of us have any actual authority or experience? We just want the young woman concerned to get the maximum protection and be exposed to the minimum risk.

Show quote history

But why would you think that would happen? And stop getting arsey with me. I’ve taken the time to post the exact information you were asking for.

Original poster
thestudio · 17/03/2026 21:14

CarlaLemarchant · 17/03/2026 21:03

Who is your meeting with?

When you say you need to do the best you can, I don’t understand what you mean and I’m not sure you even know what you want them to do which isn’t going to help any meeting.

I’m going to presume that the victim is supportive of a police investigation and has made a statement of complaint which I guess is the consent they are talking about.

It sounds like they’ve made arrest attempts at known addresses but haven’t been able to locate him. He now maybe on PNC as wanted.

You now want them not to arrest him? If there is a good reason to delay the arrest, then just tell them. However whilst you may not have faith in the police I’m not sure you have the expertise to be telling them how best to proceed either.

Anyway, have a read through the Victims Code
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/the-code-of-practice-for-victims-of-crime

Edited

It's not that we don't want an arrest FGS! It's that we want them to understand that we are aware of any obligations they have to the Survivor when arresting, so that they take those obligations seriously and don't - as it now appears possible - say 'we've had a complaint, it's from X, here's her new address'.

Jesus, can you not see that everyone's trying their best here to prevent a really bad outcome, when none of us have any actual authority or experience? We just want the young woman concerned to get the maximum protection and be exposed to the minimum risk.

OP posts:
CarlaLemarchant · 17/03/2026 21:07

Also, this is in the front page of the Met website
www.met.police.uk/police-forces/metropolitan-police/areas/about-us/about-the-met/vawg-action-plan-summary/overview-action-plan/

CarlaLemarchant · 17/03/2026 21:03

Who is your meeting with?

When you say you need to do the best you can, I don’t understand what you mean and I’m not sure you even know what you want them to do which isn’t going to help any meeting.

I’m going to presume that the victim is supportive of a police investigation and has made a statement of complaint which I guess is the consent they are talking about.

It sounds like they’ve made arrest attempts at known addresses but haven’t been able to locate him. He now maybe on PNC as wanted.

You now want them not to arrest him? If there is a good reason to delay the arrest, then just tell them. However whilst you may not have faith in the police I’m not sure you have the expertise to be telling them how best to proceed either.

Anyway, have a read through the Victims Code
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/the-code-of-practice-for-victims-of-crime

Original poster
thestudio · 17/03/2026 21:01

@decorationday thanks though, that will at least give the 'helping adult' (basically this is the scenario) something to cite.

OP posts:
Original poster
thestudio · 17/03/2026 20:56

Possibly such a thing doesn't exist. that's absolute shite, because from reading the Guardian/ being a general feminist do-gooder, I've definitely thought 'oh great, this thing is solved because all police forces have been forced to acknowledge and improve their atrocious record wrt VAWG'.
I just can't find any solid thing. Are we surprised? No, we are not.

OP posts:
Original poster
thestudio · 17/03/2026 20:53

@decorationday I understand your points.

With respect, the current reality is nowhere near what you and I would want it to be.

Tomorrow there is a meeting, and we need to do the best we can.

what I was hoping for was something beyond 'a basic duty to police' - something for eg which commits them specifically to take VAWG seriously / gives a timeframe for action / anything like that

OP posts:
decorationday · 17/03/2026 20:42

With respect, the survivor needs a knowledgeable advocate not someone being fed secondhand information from forums.

Does she have an IDVA or an ISVA? That would be the ideal. Has she or you contacted Women's Aid?

What is it you want the police to do? You cannot tell them whether or not to arrest someone.

They have a duty to safeguard the victim and that may include arresting the alleged perpetrator as well as considering things like domestic violence protection orders.

https://www.college.police.uk/app/major-investigation-and-public-protection/domestic-abuse/arrest-and-other-positive-approaches

Original poster
thestudio · 17/03/2026 20:26

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/03/2026 20:12

She could apply for a non molestation order

Thanks @Unexpectedlysinglemum - I'm looking for advice on what the Met's obligations are rather than anything else.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/03/2026 20:12

She could apply for a non molestation order

ThatCalmOP · 17/03/2026 20:10

Google Violence against women and girls (VAWG) and see if the Met have a policy about it. Its the government's initiative and a top agenda at the moment for police forces

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