AIBU: Pregnant with baby 3 and really starting to be resentful with DH smoking

I double checked to make sure this wasn’t an old post of mine! DH had smoked since boarding school, gave up when we had DC1 but re started again very soon. I lost patience with it eventually. He would go outside to smoke and would wear a smoking jacket… not sure why he eventually stopped but it was when we had DC3.

He needs to identify his triggers for when he does reach for the cigarette and address them, use distraction techniques.

Hopefully the spring weather will mean more cycling and less smoking too..

Ahh I see, fair enough.

What do you mean by dealbreaker then?

My partner smoked when we first started dating but gave up circa 20 years ago. I said I wouldn’t force him to stop, but he couldn’t have it in the house, I wouldn’t kiss him if he’d been smoking or if his clothes smelled like smoke. I also made it clear that if he got a smoking related illness I would not nurse him, I would move out and he would be on his own. He said it was an awful thing to say, uncaring etc… I clarified that if he was in an accident and needed a carer that I would step up but if in his 20s he decided to continue smoking with the stats that we know about the various illnesses it causes then he is playing Russian roulette with his health. I wanted to make it clear that if he got ill through his choices that I would not lose my choices. He quit.

My granddad died of lung cancer, my mum has awful memories from childhood when he would fall asleep on a chair, stop breathing and then suddenly gasp. Every time he stopped breathing she thought he was dead. She grew up knowing her dad would die, it took years and lots of mear occurrences and horrific memories of him on a respirator. She and her sister then started to smoke too - I wonder if it’s a way of still being close to him. My mum ended up in a coma when she was about ten years older than your husband is now! I obviously now have memories of her on a respirator, being told to expect the worst. She survived but it changed her life and even after weeks in hospital, months of physio and decades of recovery she never 100% recovered. I know at least two people who have lost their ability to talk properly after cancer and countless more who have died. It is a shitty addictive disease. I would tell him what I told my partner - “if you end up on a respirator or in need of care I will leave you as my kids are not growing up with that memory!”

I was hypnotised to give up and it was fantastic. Maybe suggest some methods - hypnotherapy, patches etc it might be easier than cold turkey

By dealbreaker do you mean you're going to divorce him?

That's a choice you're obviously free to make as long as it's not an idle threat.

DH was a heavy smoker when we met, though never in the house or his car. But I could always smell it on him. He'd smoked from the age of 13 and I think he was probably 40 by the time he gave up (after years of repeated nagging, tears, begging, even threatening to leave over it ... the works). We had 3 DC by this time.

He's now 61 and has got serious heart issues along with asthma. And I'm pretty convinced it's from the years of heavy smoking.

I voted YABU simply because you can’t tell a grown man what to do. You just have to accept him as he is (or not!)

I presume he isn’t thick, in which case there is no chance patronising leaflets or stories of lung cancer will impact him

@ThatZippyWaspI'm in a very similar situation. Both me and my partner smoked before I fell pregnant with my first. He promised he would quit before baby arrived and he went onto vapes. I think these just made it worse as he was still getting nicotine and had the habit and eventually he ended back on the roll ups. I think if he had just gone "cold turkey" he would have quit. Anyway, I stopped pestering him about quitting for a while until I fell pregnant with our second baby (due in a few weeks). He has made an effort and has really cut down, and has picked a date to stop in a few weeks time.
I pointed out to him that there's no way that I could afford to look after 2 children and pay a mortgage on my own. If smoking didnt kill him it could cause a life changing illness where he wouldnt be able to work and I would be the carer for 2 children, him and have to work to provide for the whole family- again, not possible. Or did he fancy being a dad who couldnt play sports with his kids because he was hooked up to an oxygen canister.
I laid it on thick, im just hoping its enough for him to really look at what continuing to smoke could do to his and his children's future

YANBU.

It's not fair for people to say "well he always smoked, and you didn't mind before so you shouldn't mind now". Everyone knows that as you get older your risks increase, and all the unhealthy activities start to take their toll.

As a 20-something you can smoke, drink, eat rubbish etc and still have a healthy cardiovascular/respiratory system and a low cancer risk. As you get older you just can't get away with those things, so most people modify their behaviour to take that into account.

Having said that, I wouldn't have had a 3rd child with such a long-established smoker, who clearly has no intention of giving up. It's also the case that teens are far more likely to start smoking if they have a parent who smokes, so is he prepared to be a smoking role model to this kids? Would he like to share his fags with the kids in future?

Having lost my mum when she was 55 from smoking related cancer I can understand why you’d want him to give up. Her last 2 years were grim. I hated seeing her (and other residents) at the hospital and hospice desperately sucking on their fags while looking hideously ill. I was early 20s at the time. She never saw me grow up, get married, meet her 8 grandchildren. What a waste.

Smoking is beyond nasty but this is like having kids with an obese person and then panicking about their health.

He has to really want to give up in order to be able to do it and find the willpower from somewhere.

My DH went to boarding school at the age of 9, he jokes that he gave up smoking when he left Prep school at the age of 13. He's taken our DCs to see his prep school (it's a rather prominent one) & pointed out the fire escape from the 'senior dorm' that he used to sneak out onto to have a ciggie.

However, I smoked from the age of 18 starting when I went to University. This was 198? & everyone smoked as it was considered to be cool. When I was PG with our DCs I stopped - one of the first symptoms of pregnancy for me was the smell of ciggies made me feel sick, even before I'd missed a period. But I went back to it after they were born.

I gave up about 30 years ago & haven't gone back to it - the very idea makes me feel ill.

DH still has the occasional cigar - outside of course. But I'm talking about Xmas, birthday & school reunions so about 3 or 4 a year.

My feeling is that your DH is an adult, he doesn't smoke in the house, he's not doing anything illegal. It's his choice if he wants to pollute his lungs & shorten his life. As long as he has good life insurance & has been honest with his insurance company about him smoking.

He's been a smoker the whole time you have known him. You've asked him repeatedly to quit or cut down and he hasn't. He isn't going to change now. So you are unreasonable to expect him to quit at this point or to be able to nag him or persuade him into it.

You can't choose to accept something about someone for many years and then suddenly do a 180 and tell them they must change, people aren't like that.