Childhood bedroom off limits?

You’re being a bit dramatic now op. It won’t harm your daughter’s development and her relationship with her grandparents unless you make it so. In fact, it’s probably no bad thing for kids to learn that there are different rules in different homes, and that’s not a reflection on them. You’re being shortsighted, this isn’t worth falling out with anyone over, it’s just a harmless difference of opinion and expectation.

OP, just to perhaps reassure a little. We spent a lot of time visiting and staying with family when I was a child - we lived in a totally different area of the UK to quite a lot of the rest of the family. In those houses, most of them I’d say, as children we had free run in lots of places but not in the bedrooms of the people living in those houses, and not in eg the office space, unless we were in there on put up beds occasionally. It didn’t impact our feeling of belonging, connection, relaxation etc. - that was all from our relationships with the people in the house, and being at home in the areas we did spend time.

I’m just adding this in because it doesn’t necessarily mean a stilted or less complete relationship to have some areas off limits. It’s ok. Focus on the people relationships.

You also mentioned about your things and your mum’s things maybe in the loft - I don’t see any reason why you can’t talk with your dad and say “hey, there might be a load of my old stuff up there, and I’d love to see if there’s anything of mum’s too - next time I come round could I spend some time up there and take some of it away for you?”

I'm thinking that your mum died before your daughter was born Op?

Possibly before she even knew that you were going to be a father?

If so a lot of your feelings might be caught up in that.

It's very hard.

@TravelDad when it was your bedroom and your safe space did you want other people in there?

Family photos, maybe you can ask your DF for them.

How would you feel if your DF moved?

I suppose its up to your dad to decide this, as it's his house. Given he is going along with his wife's wishes, then I guess he has done. You could speak to him and tell him you'd like to go in there but do you really want to get into that, as she'll take you asking your dad to override her badly i imagine, and he will be in an awkward position. The room won't look, feel or smell the same now it's been repurposed so I don't think you'll get the feeling you're seeking. That's gone now. You could ask them if you could just show DD though.

Oh wow. Nice emotional blackmail. If DF and DSM don’t jump to your expectations, your child won’t have as strong a bond with them? Because your old room is now a wardrobe and not for public consumption?

You really need to grow up.

It’s not free rein though is it. He very reasonably just wants to show his child his old bedroom. Nothing wrong in that. I think it’s a nice thing to do. Maybe next time or when the child is a bit older they will ask if they can go see Daddy’s old room. Personally my grandchildren can go anywhere in my house, they’re very welco

It sounds like you didn't even ask! You can't just go wandering around upstairs in someone else's house nosing in rooms, it's disrespectful! Even if you used to live there.

It's probably messy and they didn't want you to see.

It sounds like you feel some sort of right or ownership over the house, but it is their home, not yours.

I think you're reading a lot into one mild hint. Yes, you're right that she didn't want you up there in that moment, but I'm not seeing any suggestion that your old bedroom is forever off limits to you.

The overall closed-door policy and not wanting visitors to just wander around the house is normal to me - I'm another who chucks mess into bedrooms when we host, and they're not child-proofed at all. If she's using it as a wardrobe she might not want toddler hands near expensive dresses without her supervision, or there might be medication lying around that she hasn't put away. (Or sex toys, or a diary, or electronics.)

Just ask in advance if it's OK to quickly show your daughter your old bedroom because it's a memory you cherish. That'll give her time to clear away any mess or private items, and child-proof it a bit. I can't actually imagine she'll refuse, though if she does you will have to suck it up.

My mum died when I was 11,my dad remarried a few years later. He took important family photos of mum and gave them to me when he remarried. He said they were now mine. I don't find it unusual for that to happen. OP if you want personal items, things that are yours which you left in the house, just ask for them. Politely.

It’s a big leap to decide that your child will never have a close relationship with her grandparents on the basis of one gentle redirection away from private areas.

I dont think this in any respect is a healthy seed to place in the OPs mind. The situation is hard enough after losing a parent without disparaging the woman who has married into the family & no doubt also finds it uncomfortable at times. It may well be the OPs father who has removed the photos. There is not a day goes by when I dont think about my deceased parents although I find it upsetting seeing prominent photos of them or any other deceased relatives I miss greatly around my house. I keep my physical photos in a safe space to be looked at whenever I feel the need. I also have photos on my phone. If I was in the OPs situation I wouldn't expect to see photos of my fathers first wife around the house despite being more than happy to accept his love for her would always remain.

YANBU to feel the way you do. Personally, in her position, I’d have left that room alone. That said it’s her home now and you have no choice but to respect the rules. Maybe step back and let them visit you.

She will learn that people are different do things differently hsve different rules and boundaries. There is nothing wrong with that, in fact it's good that she gets to understand that things you do are different elsewhere..
It's really not harmful. Have you never been to a friend's house where their way of life is different to yours? Not wrong, just different. Every family is different to the next. Understanding that will make her adaptable.

I've only got half way through the thread, but WTF am I reading?

This is the child's grandparent's home! And yet virtually everyone so far has said that the OP and her child shouldn't feel at home there?

I consider my home to still be my children's home, even though they have homes of their own. They and their own children are welcome in every inch of it. My grandchildren have sleepovers in what was their mum's childhood room. They play with toys that belonged to their mum and their auntie. This is their second home and they love to visit me.

I'm widowed. Should I move a new partner in, they will not get to dictate where my children or grandchildren go in my own house.

She sounds controlling, sorry . I would be trying to have a chat with your dad alone if l were you make sure he is not being overruled in any other aspects. The pics coming down l think is awful, obviously she wouldn't want a life size wedding pic up of your mum and dad, but other family pics ?
Also l take it you can no longer stay there or she would be happy to show you the 'guest room' where you or your little girl or both would be staying presumably , if you were still welcome to stay ? Or has that been put a stop to also ?

Only if you make it a big deal to her. She is still safe. She just isn’t allowed to go into the bedrooms at her GF house.

Thanks, I am AuDHD not a bit on the spectrum (which is why my thinking may be more rigid) so good to know I “sound like a loon”.

My dad had an accident when I was 18, so I stayed living at home to help care for him far longer than most young adults do. My childhood bedroom was my room for over 30 years. (My dad lived for 21 years after his accident.) After I moved next door into another property my mom owned, my sister’s friend (who lives with my mother and sister in my childhood home) immediately took over my bedroom and made it into a storage room. It certainly feels odd when I go next door and see my bedroom, with its lovely pale yellow walls and three decades of memories of being my safe place, is now a storage space for my sister’s friend’s rando online candle-selling business.

That being said, I’m a grown-up who can accept that life and time are not static and my bedroom is no longer “my bedroom” in any sense except in my memories.

Your father’s house is no longer your house. Your old bedroom is no longer your bedroom. Your child will be just fine if she doesn’t get to see Daddy’s childhood bedroom. It’s just a room now. You’d be better served showing her old photos or describing your childhood to her.

Just because the rest of your family “isn’t like this” doesn’t mean your father and stepmother don’t deserve privacy and respect of their space.

Your childhood is over. It is time to move on.

There is nothing special about your old room and your child will not lose anything important by not going into it. It will be one of many rooms in many houses in the world which she won't get to see. So what?

Honestly, I think you have extrapolated a lot from that one innocuous comment.

I would have taken it to mean that they didn't want the toddler roaming about. Alternatively, it could have been a right mess up there. Nothing to do with you and whether or not you are welcome.

Really, why start a thread saying the room is 'off limits' and inviting all sorts of whack opinions when you haven't even asked them if that is the case?!

I think it is good to recognise that it is more their house than yours once you move out and have your own place. Doesn’t mean you can’t relax when you are there

When I go to my parents house I treat it as my own. I think that’s pretty standard is it not?

My old bedroom is still my room as far as I’m concerned ! Ha

Many siblings swap rooms when older sibling goes to uni/leaves home. Think of all the blended families where stepchildren have no room of their own in many homes

Many parents have to sell the family home to downsize.

Not everyone can keep the childhood bedrooms as a shrine for each individual child

I'm not sure op, my mum couldn't wait to turn my childhood bedroom into a guest room as soon as I went to uni at 18. So it really doesn't feel like 'my' room as opposed to another room in their house that they mainly use for storage or if anyone visits.

I kind of see it as being their house so it's up to them what they do with that room but at the same time I understand why you feel weird about being treated like a guest in what was your home.

Now I'm a parent myself I can't imagine treating my son like a guest - it's his home and always will be even if he's bringing a spouse or children with him when he visits and it would feel weird to treat him like it's not his home any more.