AIBU to feel hurt my friend refused a small favour?

In MN world CF means cheeky fucker. You can also say cunt without censoring.

No it means cheeky fucker its mumsnet abbreviation
Its also I the 1st line of the op

I thought you calling her a Cumt Face ( that’s what the CF abbreviation means does it not??) was completely unwarranted. The OP asked for advice . Their was nothing CF in her original post . I thought you were unjustly harsh. Your reaction to my one line comment says a lot.

@Redman73

You really are failing him here. Some people with autism will never be able to work, they will have no form of independence and will never be able to form coping strategies for the things they struggle with.

Your son is not that. He is clearly capable of work and of some level of taking care of himself. By stepping in and solving his problem for him, you are stifling that. He doesn’t need you to drive about to bring him more catalogues. Because he absolutely can carry what he needs in a trolley. He doesn’t want to because it won’t look cool… not because of his disability but because he is being a grumpy 19 year old who wants to look cool. Well, no, that’s not how it works. This is a job he is fully capable of doing, and this is a problem he is fully capable of solving himself. But instead of parenting him, you’re jumping in to do it for him. That will hurt him further down the line.

Autism is not a reason to solve all his problems, especially when this issue is simply down to him being a teenaged boy wanting to look cool. He has to get over that.

What a nasty reply , and it's vicious btw .

She shouldn’t have to justify her reasons.

If someone started questioning me about why I said no, they wouldn’t be my friend for much longer.

OP’s friend doesn’t owe her an explanation though. She asked for an favour and it’s a no. Whatever friend says is likely to cause offence or lead to op trying to argue around it. Better to just drop it entirely with friend and let him sort it out himself with help from Op if needed due to his autism.

Ask her why she said no so you understand whether she’s being reasonable or not.

YABU @Redman73

Your friend very likely said no because she didn't want her parents putting in an awkward position. I'm willing to bet that they would not have wanted to say yes.

You talk about her not being a good friend and say how 'hurt' you are, but a good friend would not have asked her this. She has a right to be hurt, and annoyed.

I would have said no too.

I think YABU because you’re not asking the friend, you’re asking of her parents which is not the same.

I personally wouldn’t mind doing it but I can see why some people would be put off by it.
Especially as it’s a monthly thing and not a one off.

I would get a back pack and potentially a bike and just take half at a time.
I’d put them in my back pack and go to the furthest houses away first, then just take out a handful at a time.

If they’re really heavy and you live in a safe area then you could get a basket/carrier for the bike.
Get a bike lock and have him lock in and do a street at a time.

Have you never seen a photocopy paper box? Just think about how many leaflets would fit in a plastic equivalent, but how heavy it would be to carry.

As you said. ^

Also to add, "Friend's adult son, who also has significant mental health problems and is displaying increasing levels of violence."

I also wouldn't want to bring that into the orbit of my (presumably) elderly parents.

Get him a trolley OP, or meet him in the car halfway round and hand over the remaining leaflets. Presumably he has a couple of days and flexible hours to get them delivered?

It seems like a reasonable request. I can only assume is that the violence during meltdowns is the issue. If he came back to restock and found that someone had taken the box how would he react?

Yes, I understand that. My mum sadly would be very stressed for many of the reasons already mentioned.

but objectively it's still not a HUGE favour. Despite it being one some elderly parents couldn't cope with.

Your friend can’t help though because it’s not her house. I think it’s wrong to feel hurt because she can’t agree to something that’s not in her power to agree to.
I wouldn’t let it spoil your friendship.

I think it’s different as it’s the parents’ drive and not the actual friend’s.

Its unreasonable of you to ask. You aren't asking her to do you a favour you're asking her parents.

Yeah you're not wrong.

I still feel finding using equipment essential to your job is not the kind of thing adults can get away with finding embarrassing. Not for long anyway! You use the tools available to you to make your job safe and as easy as possible. Not to do so is more embarrassing surely.

You're not there to look like an internationally successful rock star?!

When I was 17 I was paid to go and ask strangers surveys about toilet paper in the high street. At 18 I also worked as a nude artists' model. So to me if you're being paid for it you just do it. It's just a job. 🤣

My dad would find this stressful. He'd spend his whole day worrying about the box. Is it still there, has anyone stolen it, what if someone looks in it, what if it rains, or it's windy. What if someone thinks the leaflets are for peiple to help themselves. He'd spend his whole day
standing at the window watching it.

He's not old either, he's fairly young and well, but he gets anxious about random things. Bless him.

So I'd say no for that reason.

She doesn’t want to open her parents up to a potentially difficult situation. Get him a trolley.

Life is hard for a young adult with ASD but as parents we still have to guide them towards being their most functional and independent selves

Absolutely this. 👏👏👏

They may have known him since he was a child, but he’s now an adult man that has violent outbursts. Violent outbursts that have escalated in recent months. They are also elderly.

He may have so far only had meltdowns with you at home, but neither you nor they know that he won’t have them outside of the home if things don’t go according to plan and the leaflets are stolen or damaged. It’s a very real risk you were asking them to take, not a simple favor.

Even outside of the most glaring issue, it isn’t unreasonable to not want a plastic tote sat on your driveway for however long either.

Hi @Redman73
i haven’t read all of the replies, but I can imagine what people have said.

i too would be upset about this and I understand why you are upset.

you are asking to leave a plastic box on their drive or garden, a minor inconvenience. They probably wouldn’t even notice and they wouldn’t have to interact with your son, although that interaction might be good for his mental health.

I’m not sure I could move past this if it were my friend. I’m sorry you are going through these troubles with your child 💐

Sorry people have been mean. I dont think you were wrong to ask. I suspect her parents have qualms or she hasn't asked because she knows this will cause then stress or worry for one of the meany reasons people have mentioned. Don't see it as a reflection on your friend or friendship. Many of us would say yes to this and see it as a small favour but maybe your friends parents are among those who wouldn't and that isn't her fault.

I wouldn’t want a box left on my drive either, especially as it’s the parents drive not hers I don’t think it’s appropriate.