AIBU to feel hurt my friend refused a small favour?

Since when is a box on a driveway a massive favour?

I'm glad that my friends & I have an entirely different view on this.

Can you not drive him and leave the leaflets in your car while he delivers.

My elderly parents got very stressed about the most minor things. Even a parcel not arriving on time would become a massive deal and cause untold worries. I can well imagine that having a box in their garden that some son of a friend of their child was going to be back and forth from several times would become a big issue that they can well do without. You have your DS to worry about and your friend has her parents as her priority. You weren't asking a small favour of your friend, you were asking her to ask her parents and it's too much to ask.

I also agree that although it seems like a minor favour that should cause no inconvenience sometime as people get older little things cause them much stress and worrying. I know my elderly in laws would whittle on about it for days. Worrying when the delivery would be, oh we haven’t seen him come for any yet, oh there’s still some left, oh we saw someone looking in the box they might steel the box or the magazines, maybe we should move the box if it rains………..

She didn't want to ask her parents because they would have had to say yes. If you asked them they would probably say yes, but might not be very happy about it. Having you're 'known to be violent sometimes' son hanging around their driveway a few days a month might be quite frightening. I assume they are not that young.

I’m going to say YABU because my parents would be uncomfortable with that. They are not easy going people.

Maybe she knows her parents better than you do.

I didn’t say he would. Their driveway is still their property. And if something goes wrong with the magazines when they’re stored outside (damaged by weather, animals, etc) who knows what this increasingly violent man might do? I wouldn’t agree to this for myself, much less for older people.

Whether there's risk or not, you want her to let your 'violent' DS to potentially come into contact with her DP? You were unreasonable to put her in that position when it's her DP's drive, not hers and then make out that it's something trivial.

I have an adult son with ASD. I would be telling him that the solution is a trolley or coming home to pick up more magazines. I find when my son is resistant to a possible solution then it’s easier to let him do it the least preferable way (e.g come home for more magazines) and eventually the penny drops and he’ll go with the suggested solution of the trolley. If keeps with the back and forth to the house for more magazines then that’s his absolute choice and right to do so.

I would not have asked a favour of a friends parents before at least trying option 1 and 2 first and to be honest probably not if either hadn’t worked. Life is hard for a young adult with ASD but as parents we still have to guide them towards being their most functional and independent selves we can’t always jump in with the easier solution just because they think an option is “embarrassing”. He has a job that he wants give him the autonomy to make it work for himself.

The friend’s parents may have their own MH issues. My elderly mum like lots of older people worries about very trivial things. She is very house proud and worries about things getting damaged or broken.

It is not for the woman’s elderly parents to
deal with having the man on their property, or having him store things on his property. His disability does not, in any way, prevent him using a trolley to carry his stock. He just doesn’t want to because he doesn’t think he’ll look cool. That is nothing to do with disability and evening to do with his mum stepping in to find a solution that puts others in a difficult
situation all because her adult son doesn’t want to use a trolley for his job.

I’ve got an autistic son. I have no issue telling him to grow up when he creates more barriers for himself for no reason - “being embarrassed” is no reason to claim “well, he has a disability so you need to let him use your property and anyone saying no is ableist.”

And I very much doubt that it was this man who came up with the idea of trying to use someone else’s property… it was OP. Instead of dealing with her kid, she came up with the idea to make it someone else’s problem.

You weren’t unreasonable to ask, but they aren’t unreasonable to decline.

I wouldn’t risk an important friendship on something so minor.

You have every right to feel hurt by this, but equally they have every right to say no. They may feel that it places responsibility on them that they feel uncomfortable with. The may worry that it will attract thieves or vandals to their drive, They may not want a box on their drive for two days every month, the may worry it made sit look untidy etc. There are lots of reasons for saying no and the are entitled to do so.

Well perhaps her parents think having a plastic box on their driveway would be embarrassing?
but they wouldn’t be getting paid for it

No.
You need a different solution agreed with the leaflet people.
You cannot involve other people on this

I agree that op shouldn't have asked but your responses on here are absolutely vile and abelist bullshite,, you're the only one that needs to grow up.

She was asking to leave a box on their driveway. Not for him to move in & WFH.
🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

What a nasty post. He's a young adult with autism & MH problems.

No doubt this would also turn into him knocking the door and asking to use their toilet during his route as well?

I can see why the friend just wouldn’t want her parents involved with a teen who gets violent when work doesn’t go his way.

YABU, you asked they said no, end of discussion.

I wouldn't like a random man wandering round the front of my house/garden and I certainly wouldn't be offering up the use of my elderly parents house.

I know you said he would freak or think a trolley is stupid, but how about a wheelie backpack to store the leaflets, and a cross body man bag/messenger satchel to keep a certain amount at a time. So many people use wheelies nowadays and a backpack on wheels can be put on his back when it's empty. I think you might have to encourage a bit of self sufficiency here, although I am well aware that it might be a struggle.

You say you are close to friend and have shared a lot. Whilst he’s only been violent in your home so far you’ve said yourself it’s getting worse. If he turns up and his leaflets are soggy and unusable as box has cracked/lid been knocked you don’t know how he would react. I can understand why your friend knowing what you’ve said to her about him would think I don’t want my parents involved.

You don't know your friend's reasons (misplaced concern? Well-placed concern? Knowledge that her parents wouldn't consider it? Her parents facing difficulties you don't know about?)

Given she's generally a good friend to you, I think you need to give the benefit of the doubt and not hold this against her.

Your son could split each delivery into 6 loads to make it easier to carrier, and use a padded backpack with supportive waist and chestbands. Then over the three days he could do two deliveries a day.

Or you could look up a variety of pull- along bags or wagons that might be more acceptable to him than a "granny" shopping trolley.

You've asked for a massive favour, not a small one, and on an ongoing basis. They are quite within their rights to refuse, and you are completely unreasonable to take offense to that.

Your friend may very well have felt like I would ( annd I’m in my sixties) and said yes if it were on her own property but not wanted it on her parents property . There is no way I would even ask my mum who’s in her 80’s with limited mobility who has too much time on her hands to fret about minor things to the point that they cause her massive anxiety I would just say no and expect you to accept that. That’s even before the issue of potential violence, your friend would never put the employment of your son ahead of the welfare of her older parents and you were mistaken in thinking that she would.