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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you expect her to tell you?

53 replies

Anothersquirrel · 17/03/2026 09:19

Ive typed this out 3 times but now decided to keep it dead simple!

Would you want/expect your friend to tell you if they found out that your child had told their child they think they're gay?
(kids are 12)

YABU - yes
YANBU - no

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 17/03/2026 10:33

xOlive · 17/03/2026 10:05

No, not at all, not regarding sexuality.

If the child had disclosed self-harm, mental health struggles, sexual assault etc. then I’d like to be informed to help my child but regarding a 12 year-old thinking they’re gay, nah.

Show quote history

This. It wouldn’t be any kind of an issue if a pair of tweens / teens were talking about liking people of the opposite sex, liking people of the same sex shouldn’t be seen any differently - I acknowledge that “coming out” is still something that bisexual and gay people feel they have to do, but it really shouldn’t be.

What you (parents generally) need to do is just keep up dialogue with DC about their lives, and make it obvious in how you talk about relationships that the sex of the person somebody is in a relationship with isn’t any kind of issue, so DC doesn’t have to worry about a reaction if and when they do determine their sexuality.

Original poster
Anothersquirrel · 17/03/2026 10:08

You're right - Child A mum will probably never know.
It's probably obvious which mum i am and I've already decided i won't pass this on for all the very good reasons stated here.

I suppose I'm just feeling a bit bad that i have 'knowledge' about my friends child and can't tell her.

For context child A has been really struggling recently. I've been helping my friend cope. Now this.

OP posts:
Farewelltothatid · 17/03/2026 10:06

I think it was a pretty bad breach of confidence that the other child told his mum something I assume was entrusted to them in confidence .

And no your friend definitely shouldn't have passed this information on.

Coming out as gay is a pretty daunting experience for some. My son actually wrote a letter to me, even though he lived at home at the time, because that was the easiest way for him. I had suspected he was gay. And his close friends knew about it.

I think you leave it to your child to tell you themselves when they are ready and in the manner they chose

xOlive · 17/03/2026 10:05

Anothersquirrel · 17/03/2026 09:57

So nobody here, if they were child A's mum, would be angry with child B's mum for not saying anything?

No one would think - 'you could have given me a head's up!'. ?

No, not at all, not regarding sexuality.

If the child had disclosed self-harm, mental health struggles, sexual assault etc. then I’d like to be informed to help my child but regarding a 12 year-old thinking they’re gay, nah.

AgentPidge · 17/03/2026 10:05

Anothersquirrel · 17/03/2026 09:57

So nobody here, if they were child A's mum, would be angry with child B's mum for not saying anything?

No one would think - 'you could have given me a head's up!'. ?

No, because I'd expect my DC to say it to me when they wanted to.

So the friend told his mum? "That's nice, dear", and move on.

Kids say all sorts at that age. If the mum interrogated me later (Why didn't you tell me?) I'd say that they're always coming out with stuff and they might change their mind tomorrow so I'd ignored it.

DestinedToBeOutlived · 17/03/2026 10:00

Anothersquirrel · 17/03/2026 09:57

So nobody here, if they were child A's mum, would be angry with child B's mum for not saying anything?

No one would think - 'you could have given me a head's up!'. ?

No.

In fact I'm struggling to think of a scenario where I would be discussing it anyway, so I would likely never know that Bs mum knew.

Basquervill · 17/03/2026 09:59

No, definitely not. I wouldn't intrude. Not my business, sensitive area.

Original poster
Anothersquirrel · 17/03/2026 09:57

So nobody here, if they were child A's mum, would be angry with child B's mum for not saying anything?

No one would think - 'you could have given me a head's up!'. ?

OP posts:
RememberBeKindWithKaren · 17/03/2026 09:57

No. They are not to be expected to divulge this kind of thing. It's up to the child/ person themselves

xOlive · 17/03/2026 09:54

No, if my child thought they were gay but hadn’t told me themselves I would wait until they were ready and certainly wouldn’t want another Mum telling me (and if they did I’d still pretend I hadn’t heard it).

If my child told me their friend had confided that they think they’re gay, I’d encourage my child to be supportive, apply no pressure etc. and to keep that information to themselves and I’d also tell nobody.

Do we go around announcing our children are straight? At 12? No.

SilverPink · 17/03/2026 09:49

At 12? No. Many kids think they’re this, that and the other at 12 and decide they’re not a couple of years later. If they really are gay, they will tell their parent when they feel comfortable.

Original poster
Anothersquirrel · 17/03/2026 09:47

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 17/03/2026 09:43

No, I don't think the mum of child A would take kindly to hearing this from another mum. She'd likely feel a bit blindsided if her child hadn't confided in her themselves. It might turn into a shoot the messenger situation. Also it puts child B in an awkward position having betrayed their friend's trust by telling their mum and this could cause issues in the friendship

absolutely

OP posts:
Original poster
Anothersquirrel · 17/03/2026 09:46

Ive tried to keep this vague to help put yourself in both sets of (mum) shoes and then decide which is best.

OP posts:
Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 17/03/2026 09:43

No, I don't think the mum of child A would take kindly to hearing this from another mum. She'd likely feel a bit blindsided if her child hadn't confided in her themselves. It might turn into a shoot the messenger situation. Also it puts child B in an awkward position having betrayed their friend's trust by telling their mum and this could cause issues in the friendship

Girlintheframe · 17/03/2026 09:43

Absolutely not

DanaScullysLegoHair · 17/03/2026 09:42

Absolutely not. It is for the child to decide who they might want to tell and when.

AppleKatie · 17/03/2026 09:42

No I wouldn’t absolutely none of my business

Branleuse · 17/03/2026 09:42

No.

crazystar · 17/03/2026 09:42

No

nuna your business

Daisypopp88 · 17/03/2026 09:41

No, it's not the mother's place to tell the other mother. Its for the child to tell their mother if and when they choose to.

Original poster
Anothersquirrel · 17/03/2026 09:41

Ive asked for MN to enable voting.

OP posts:
sunsetsites · 17/03/2026 09:41

No.

Original poster
Anothersquirrel · 17/03/2026 09:39

I mean child A has told child B they think they are gay.

Child B has told their mum.

The mums are good friends.

Would you, as mum of child A, want or expect to be told?

OP posts:
DestinedToBeOutlived · 17/03/2026 09:37

No, I wouldn't tell anyone. It's not my story to tell. It's down to the child and their comfort.

Sometimesyoujustneedachangeofname · 17/03/2026 09:36

There's no voting attached for some reason. I'm not sure anyway. Sometimes they're not sure and sexuality can be fluid. Also what does the parent do with that info? If they mention it then they're betraying the friend. If they were stressed about the situation may be different. I think maybe it's best to wait until the child tells the parents themselves? It's a tricky one.