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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you expect her to tell you?

53 replies

Anothersquirrel · 17/03/2026 09:19

Ive typed this out 3 times but now decided to keep it dead simple!

Would you want/expect your friend to tell you if they found out that your child had told their child they think they're gay?
(kids are 12)

YABU - yes
YANBU - no

OP posts:
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Scarlettpixie · 17/03/2026 12:58

No, keep it to your self. He will tell his mum if/when he is ready to do so. Don't make it into a thing.

EveryKneeShallBow · 17/03/2026 12:48

Daisypopp88 · 17/03/2026 09:41

No, it's not the mother's place to tell the other mother. Its for the child to tell their mother if and when they choose to.

This

itsthetea · 17/03/2026 12:42

Why?

Thingsthatgo · 17/03/2026 12:41

I am in this exact situation with DS13. I am not going to tell the mum, although we are quite good friends.
not my place to say.

PurpleLovecats · 17/03/2026 12:37

No

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 17/03/2026 12:35

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 17/03/2026 09:43

No, I don't think the mum of child A would take kindly to hearing this from another mum. She'd likely feel a bit blindsided if her child hadn't confided in her themselves. It might turn into a shoot the messenger situation. Also it puts child B in an awkward position having betrayed their friend's trust by telling their mum and this could cause issues in the friendship

Totally agree with this

DameOfThrones · 17/03/2026 12:29

WorstPaceScenario · 17/03/2026 12:08

The "Head's up" comment gave me pause too... as though it's a crisis to be managed. In which case, the other mum was correct to say nothing

Show quote history

Yes and then followed by

"For context child A has been really struggling recently. I've been helping my friend cope. Now this."

It's like the OP sees it as both a problem and a drama for her to get herself involved in.

Soooo1 · 17/03/2026 12:18

No. My DD around that age told me she liked boys and girls. She is now 22 and heterosexual - not that it would've made a jot of difference either way but sexuality can be confusing when they are younger. I just smiled and nodded and never mentioned it again.

JustCoralGoose · 17/03/2026 12:14

I don’t have children of that age but yes I would want to know if my child said that so I could tell them how to behave

Anewerforest · 17/03/2026 12:14

Anothersquirrel · 17/03/2026 09:57

So nobody here, if they were child A's mum, would be angry with child B's mum for not saying anything?

No one would think - 'you could have given me a head's up!'. ?

I certainly wouldn't. It's up to the child to talk about their sexuality when they are ready. Also they are young to be sure that they are gay, though some gay people say they have known all their lives. Let them work it out in their own way.

whiteroseredrose · 17/03/2026 12:11

I wouldn’t say anything.

WorstPaceScenario · 17/03/2026 12:08

DameOfThrones · 17/03/2026 12:01

A 'heads up'?

He thinks he's gay, he doesn't think he's losing a kidney.

The only person the mother should hear it from is the child himself.

Show quote history

The "Head's up" comment gave me pause too... as though it's a crisis to be managed. In which case, the other mum was correct to say nothing

qualityproblems · 17/03/2026 12:07

If I were Mum B I wouldn't tell Mum A, but if I might encourage my child to encourage Child A to tell her, especially if worrying about it is a significant part of Child A's MH issues. IME it's fairly common for the child to catastrophise about their parents' reaction & for their eventual coming out to be a great relief to everyone. But very dependent on the individuals involved.

If I were Mum A I would understand why Mum B didn't tell me. But I might still feel ashamed that she knew when I didn't. It's probably worth remembering now, & reminding her too later on if she finds out you knew, that there may also be things other kids' parents know about your child that you don't know, & that often the reason they haven't told you is they actually care about your reaction, whereas their friend or their friends' parents are low-risk ways to test the water.

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 17/03/2026 12:05

Anothersquirrel · 17/03/2026 10:08

You're right - Child A mum will probably never know.
It's probably obvious which mum i am and I've already decided i won't pass this on for all the very good reasons stated here.

I suppose I'm just feeling a bit bad that i have 'knowledge' about my friends child and can't tell her.

For context child A has been really struggling recently. I've been helping my friend cope. Now this.

I’m not sure what you mean by the ‘now this’ comment?

goodnessidontknow · 17/03/2026 12:05

If I had been told this by my child I might wonder if the friend was actually looking for a way for their parent to find out without having to come out themselves in a direct way. I certainly wouldn't say anything to the child's mother but it might be worth discussing with your child why they told you and if it was something they were asked to keep private.

DameOfThrones · 17/03/2026 12:01

Anothersquirrel · 17/03/2026 09:57

So nobody here, if they were child A's mum, would be angry with child B's mum for not saying anything?

No one would think - 'you could have given me a head's up!'. ?

A 'heads up'?

He thinks he's gay, he doesn't think he's losing a kidney.

The only person the mother should hear it from is the child himself.

WorstPaceScenario · 17/03/2026 11:59

YABU to expect the other mum to share that, particularly if she had any inkling that you might not be happy or view it as some kind of bad news

ToadRage · 17/03/2026 11:58

Coming out can be very difficult for some people and if the child is unsure, they may want to wait until they are certain and gauge their parents reaction before deciding to tell them. A lot of children at that age are unsure about their sexuality. It may cease to be an issue and it's not your business so I wouldn't say anything to his Mum.

TreeDudette · 17/03/2026 11:54

Nahh - in my teens friend group they have all been trans, gay, bi, and a range of other things over the last few years. Their labels change like the wind. My DDs best friend has been straight, gay, bi and is currently straight again but who knows tomorrow. I certainly don't inform other parents of any of this gossip that I get from my daughter. I'd inform if I thought there was risk (self harm, eating disorders, grooming, etc..)

user2848502016 · 17/03/2026 11:51

No I wouldn’t say anything if a friend had said that to one of my DDs.
My children are my responsibility so I would talk to them about it.
Your child is your responsibility.
I would only say something if I thought the child was in immediate danger

BeaLola · 17/03/2026 11:08

No I would not tell the other Mum for all the reasons stated above.

just be a supportive friend (you sound like you are )

they are 12.

BeaLola · 17/03/2026 11:08

No I would not tell the other Mum for all the reasons stated above.

just be a supportive friend (you sound like you are )

they are 12.

Kiramman · 17/03/2026 10:50

I personally think that outing someone of any age is unforgivable unless they are in immediate danger.
It is a very personal thing, and often takes someone years to process before deciding to discuss it so it’s a massive breach of trust.

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 17/03/2026 10:36

No way, if it was something that would put the child in danger then maybe but otherwise stay well put of it.

What I might do is gently start a conversation with child A mum assuming you are close friends, about teen angst generally / all the things they have to deal with.

Has she said her child is struggling, or are you hearing this from your child?

PollyBell · 17/03/2026 10:35

Not at all if my child wanted to tell me it is up to them

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