To think all these mothers bragging about working full time are just using their own mothers as unpaid childcare?

Not really. My daughters nursery was open 7.30 am to 6pm. I worked full days. Generally I started early and DH did nursery drop off about 8, and I started earlier and finished earlier so could pick up about 5, to shortern their nursery days, nursery does work for those with typical hours. I appreciate it doesn't work as well for nurses etc who do shift work.

I don't know anyone who worked full time without paying for nursery. My mum did 1 day and my MIL did 1 day, and we paid for 3 days nursery. If they couldn't do their day certain weeks, DH or I took annual leave. This was absolutely the choice of the grandparents, we didn't put any pressure on them. DH is an only child and my brother lives abroad, so both sets were super keen to help, and not in anyway 'exhausted' by it. Everyone I know either paid fully for childcare, or did a mix of nursery and grandparents like us.

In my experience it tends to be those who went to uni, moved away / to cities, and maybe are likely to have higher paying jobs that used paid childcare.

So it probably depends a bit on your socioeconomic status.

My toddler has nursery 3 days a week, and is with my mum twice a week. My mum loves looking after her, and they have a great bond. My mum is retired but in very good health. As for weekends, they are filled with soft play, going outside, and farm trips. I go out to a board game twice a week on an evening once DD is in bed, and my partner does a sport. We manage that because we support each other well so have the time for our hobby.

This is a weird attitude. Throughout history, families have helped each other. Mothers help their children raise the next generation. We weren't really designed to raise babies in isolation with just our partner. That's the reason so many people find it so hard in modern society. That being said, if my mum didn't want to look after her, or was too ill, I'd just suck it up and pay for nursery. I'm lucky to have my mum and I know that.

I've never seen anyone act like they're better because they work full time. What kind of people are you hanging around who have this attitude? I would give anything not to be working full time. I'd love to do 3 days and raise my DD the other two. But with my mortgage etc, I can't. Most mums the same age as me work part time or stay out of work for a couple of years. I'm desperately jealous of those people, but unfortunately I'm the main earner in my house. It's lucky I have my mum, but also, it can be a privilege to have the finances to stay home with your child.

Whatever you do as mum there is guilt. I feel very guilty working full time. I feel like a shit mum sometimes. And you clearly feel guilty working part time. There's no need to pit women who all try their best against each other.

Every parent I know uses full time childcare, or works part time and uses part time childcare.

Grandparent help is almost non-existent, usually because they aren’t local.

It’s normal for children to be in nursery or wraparound care for long hours to accommodate two full time jobs.

The ‘active social life and weekends’ typically includes the children being present at all times - rare child free time is achieved through paid babysitters…!

Same as other mothers Get 80% of childcare paid by UC. And up until recently ( and 2024) there was a scheme called care2learn which paid for childcare while teen parents continued their education. . Also included some travel expenses etc and you would still get full benefits. So you could've studied to earn better when you went to work. Any reason you couldn't have done that?

I’m not convinced it’s 9/10 but yes lots of grandparents do childcare. Couple of days a week. Couple of days at nursery then one or other parent has condensed their hours.
People have to do what they can to pay bills and expenses, you know that you must have to juggle sometimes even if you’re part time, I know I did when mine were younger.

This may be true among the people you know, but not among the people I know. I know many women (including me) who worked full time with young children and very few who lived close enough to their parents for them to provide regular childcare. My own mother lived 1.5 hours away and worked full time herself. My MIL lives in a different country. Therefore I and the other full time working mothers I know paid for regular childcare. Some had occasional help from grandparents for nights away etc but that's all really. Obviously this depends on earning sufficiently well for it to be worthwhile to pay.

You also said you had a "live in au pair". Not a choice available to those of us without the luxury of a spare bedroom.

Having read your updates, I think what you mean is “society shouldn’t judge stay at home Mums as lesser than those who go to work”

It does sound like you know some not very nice people though OP!

I do agree that no one should imply SAHMs are lazy or some how “lesser” though.

Then, perhaps, you should re-define your statement. It is quite possible that women who had a child at or before the age of 16 relied on their mothers for unpaid childcare on the account of them being children themselves and living at home. Yes, I can believe that. However, not 9 out of 10 women in general.

I think your circumstances will have been different to many mothers if you had your first at 16. I don't suppose any 16 year old would be in a position to earn enough for paid childcare. If the people you know in that situation were able to work because their Mum helped out I assume this was a case of their mother offering to help out so their child got a chance at having paid work and/ or qualifications.

That doesn't mean that they have any right to be looking down on you because you didn't have that help. It shows a great lack of self awareness on their part and possibly a lack of gratitude to their own Mum if they don't realise how much they owe her.

However I don't think your experience reflects the normality for most working mums. Sounds like you just know one or two poisonous individuals

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I think it's hugely different to start your parenting experience at 16 and of course that will affect loads of things for quite a long time.

Where I live - or probably just in my social circle - the vast majority of my friends are immigrants (as am I) so none of us had any family support whatsoever. My husband and I have always worked full-time and paid for every moment of childcare we had. We never went on dates or anything like that as we could only afford childcare while we were working. But we were 32 when we had our daughter so had established careers and could afford daycare - totally different situation if you are starting out at 16.

We don’t live in a village though! Choosing to live somewhere with actual infrastructure does help.

I’ve always worked full time and I don’t have family nearby to do that.

Used nursery plus (once they were 3 ish) a live in au pair when mine were small.

Then after school club/ after school childminder once they were at school.

Grandparents were very kind and would come down from time to time to lend a hand but they weren’t part of the weekly set up because they aren’t anywhere nearby.

Sure a lot of people do have consistent family support but I’m not quite sure what you mean by “they act like they did it” - surely they can’t be implying they can bi locate? So someone must have had their kids whilst they were at work. GPs or nursery it’s still someone caring for the child.

See, this is the kind of attitude that has wound OP up.

I assume she did what so many single mothers of preschoolers do in the real world and relied on benefits. Because, in the real world, the childcare often just isn't there.

Just as an example, there are now no childminders in our village- none whatsoever. And no nurseries. After school club finishes at 5.15 - and at my DCs' last school it was 4.30. We live at least half an hour from most of the towns where you would be employed in a 9-5 job, so how is that even going to work?

For a lot of people that can’t afford childcare, that is normal. The couple works split shifts and one takes care of the child and one works. Then they swap.

It feels like you have an issue with one or two women and you’ve extrapolated this into something much bigger. It really isn’t uncommon that a woman stops work after having children because the cost of childcare is prohibitive.

You don’t need to prove your worth to anyone by saying you do more physically because you walk everywhere. Your child is at school now, you could look for other work options which could allow you to work full time, if that is what is best for you and your family. Or if you enjoy your job, keep working there around your partner’s shifts. If you can learn to drive, that would probably free up some time in getting to work and open you up to more opportunities if you don’t enjoy this job. Having this chip on your shoulder though is probably affecting some relationships with other mums.

They asked their mothers to provide secret childcare?

I can think of a few mothers and MILs (not that you mention MILs?) who provided a bit of childcare but it wasn't a big deal.

However, it did cause some jealousy for some for whom it wasn't possible.

So your response to feeling like shit is to make other mothers feel like shit? Right.

Nurseries are generally 8 till 6. I'm not sure where you live that they close at 3. Childminders similar hours in my experience. I don't know anyone who relies on grandparents full time, or any grandparents who would agree to do so full time.

@Ruddeo im sorry but you sound like you have a huge chip on your shoulder! You made the decision to have a baby at 16 and that decision has made things harder I imagine, but not much you can do now other than get on with it and start to think more maturely, stop focusing on others and focus on yourself.

I’ve also never heard anyone bragging about this. Most people I know don’t want to work full time or near-full time, they do it because they have to, because it provides a future for DCs, because they don’t have family to fall back on so need the security.

@Ruddeo did you get no support from your family or the dad’s family? Is that really your issue?

Even if women had their mothers or family help out with children, what's so wrong about it? There is no rule that says that a child must be only taken care of by their mother, who must sacrifice everything. In so many countries across the world, children are brought up by together with their family and community. This notion that the grandmother is some poor, exhausted woman is odd. And what about fathers who get family support? Is that ok or are your issues specifically towards mothers? You seemed to have had a difficult time with being young yourself but that doesn't make you more superior than others. Everyone has their own challenges.

Most people I know don’t use grandparents for childcare, we all use nurseries or childminders. Now my oldest s at school we use afterschool club for her, and then nursery for my youngest. He goes 4 days a week 8am-6pm.