To think all these mothers bragging about working full time are just using their own mothers as unpaid childcare?

My partner and I have two nursery aged kids, we have lots of friends (either that we met since having kids or from school days) who also have similar aged kids. Out of our group every mother works at least 4 days a week, most full time and none of them use grandparents more than once a week for childcare, most not at all.

If I had to put numbers on it I would say around 15 families, 10 use grandparents a few times a year, 2 use them once a month or so mainly so they can go out for an evening, and 3 use grandparents one day a week.

So that's hardly 9 times out of 10 using grandparents at all let along "absolutely everything"

Who are these mothers bragging about working ft? It's hardly a brag, it's bloody horrible sometimes!

But you were a child when you got pregnant. It’s not that surprising that you hadn’t learned to grow out of your own family’s old-fashioned ideas about working mothers or that you’d given little thought to opinions on ‘benefit scroungers’.

Surely you were continuing in education for at least a couple of years after the birth of your child, anyway?

But Op you came on here bashing all mothers who have help from grandparents, and insinuated that most do have help when that's not fact. I think if you had narrowed down your title and first post to the real issues you would have gotten a lot more focused responses here.

It sounds like your circle wasn't very nice when you were younger if they were judging you like that but its time now to put that to rest and move forward. Have you learnt to drive since or could you look for another job with better sociable hours? These sound like practical things that could make it easier for you

You’re actually starting to sound a bit paranoid like everyone is judging you and saying you were lazy.
Who specifically said to you you’re a lazy piece of shit?

It sounds as if you’ve experienced a lot of judgement from having had a child at such a young age although your OP simply doesn’t relate to 99% of parents.

I suggest you shrug off that resentment you’ve been carrying and search for ways you can improve your career prospects. You are likely still in your early 20s so have ample time to do so. What would you like to be doing?

I was a single parent. I had to use paid childcare. Being in work was very important to me as I needed to be an example to my child. It was difficult but I didn’t have a mother who stepped in to do childcare as she herself worked full time.
Who exactly made you feel like a lazy piece of shit and in what way did they do this?
I think you’re generalising a lot. I’m wondering if you feel bad yourself that you didn’t work (no judgement here) and are reading into things.

Another thing. If your friends also had kids in their teens then surely their own mothers would be working themselves, after all they are likely to be in late 30s or 40s

My Mum has passed away and not in touch with mother in law. I used paid childcare. How dare you ! 😢

We use paid childcare, compressed hours, and a highly enthusiastic Nana who does a day with him, the odd weekend overnight or afternoon.

She'd be very offended by the idea that he's a burden, or that she can't handle it.

Of course there are exploited grandparents, but the MN idea that all parents are ungrateful demanding brats and that grandparents don't enjoy looking after the kids in their own right doesn't chime with my experience at all.

They're all desperate to get their hands on the kids by themselves!

It’s more a potato field than a chip! But yeah lots of excuses. No one made her have a child young or before her career was established

My mum lives 100’s of miles away and my MIL still works herself so no free childcare for me! I pay like most people do. I very rarely talk (or boast!) about working full time, only if someone directly asks me. It’s not that interesting to me plus lm usually busy talking about and doing other stuff

Gently, I think you’re projecting your own feelings about yourself onto others. I had my first child at 17, and went on to have two more. DH left when youngest DD was 2 years old. I worked full-time because I had no choice. I used paid childcare (childminder). My DM has never looked after my DCs.

I would never look down on a mum who works part-time around her DCs. If that works for you, great!

*I do agree that there are lots of women who are taking advantage of their DMs for childcare. I know lots of DGMs who are on their knees caring for grandchildren. Everyone around them can see it, except for their DCs who are blind to it and believe their DMs love looking after their DCs 5 days a week, and overnight at weekends.

I work full time, although I didn’t until my daughter started Reception, I was part time until then and we used paid childcare (still do for holidays and after school).

My mum is dead and my in laws are older so not up to regular childcare.

I don’t think I’m better than anyone for it though. I know lots of mums who have it harder. I’ve found a unicorn job really that allows me a lot of flexibility and although DH’s job is less so, it does still allow for him to do the occasional school run, plus he has a generous holiday allowance that helps a little bit towards the school hols as mine is not good. So swings and roundabouts but overall I think we’re lucky and have it easier than many.

I can imagine becoming a parent at 16 was incredibly difficult and I think you’re allowed to be proud of yourself for the life you’ve built. Nobody should be trying to make you feel bad.

Nope!
4 kids, adults now, never had anything other than paid childcare.

Not me either. I pay £1800 a month just so I don’t burden my mum with childcare, even though she’s willing!

Stop being so judgmental.

Single mum here who worked part-time until my youngest was in reception and then full-time thereafter. Paid through the nose for childcare! No parental help as they lived too far away. For quite a few years it was barely worth my while working but I knew it would even out eventually. You are generalising massively.

Doubt it.

I'm part time and I insisted to pay my mum for the little she does do (now he's 4, only 3 hours a week and the occasional Saturday for 8 hours!) when he's not at nursery.

You have a massive chip chip on your shoulder and lots of excuses as a side dish.

BTW I love looking after my dgc. I’m not being taken advantage of, I have them when I’m not working because I want to. If this helps dd then even better! (Dgc is in paid childcare when we are both working).

Yep that’s me 👋 both DM and MIL do 2 day After school each and I do 1 day after school.

But it’s not as great as it seems, I have an extremely flexible job WFH 4 days per week.
MIL takes at least 4 holidays per year which I have to cover, then add on sickness, appointments and having to cancel due to their own personal commitments it’s just about doable. If I had a job with little flexibility it simply wouldn’t work

So you hate others judging you but are happy to judge everyone who worked full time and raised a family. Double standards?????

We raised a family. My in laws did a couple of days per week and we will be forever grateful. It meant we could manage without crippling childcare costs but we still had some.

Everyones different. I dont judge you for what you had to do to get by. If you think that was the best solution then great. Your double standards are astonishing though

This thread won't work.

Ruddeo is talking about her bubble.
Yes, I'd agree that if someone around you had children young and than worked in a job which doesn't pay enough to cover infant childcare, they very probably had a significant family help.
If they rub their work into your face, it's good for you to realise that they are omitting something and no reason to feel inferior to them.

The world is wider - and mothers in other life situations made other choices. A bit older women who earned just enough that it stretched for childcare and half of the mortgage, so it obviously made sense to work for them are more than 1/10th of the population.

Maybe restart the thread to be more venting and less 9/10 full-time working mums... while many people would sympathise with you, they can't when they feel they have to defend themselves.

For lower income Mums I'd say OP is right.
People either use family for childcare or wait until the kids reach school age. Otherwise, the sums just don't add up.
I used to know a Gran on the school run who was forever asking about my working pattern and pointing out that her daughter works full time.
I thought (but didn't say) that of course she does- she has you to do the childcare. My own Mum lived 500 miles away.

You’re allowing people to make you feel inferior, because you had a child at a young age and haven’t got a career.

You do have a job, a child and a partner and you will be able to begin training or a career when your child is older and you’re still young. If you’re doing the best you can for your family, that’s all that matters.