AIBU to feel hurt my SIL ghosted my hen organisers?

Before planning started, I asked if she wanted to be included in the hen. I made it clear there was absolutely no pressure — the cost, the timing, and the age gap might all be barriers, and that was totally fine. She said she’d love to be included. I also told my MIL that we could do something separate so SIL didn’t feel left out, like a dinner.

She might have just thought your cosy girls' weekend was more aimed at your friends, and something more family-orientated was being arranged to accommodate her.

Daft not to answer, but I wouldn't get my hackles up about it.

Yes. 24. A fully grown adult. Someone old enough to get married, have children, contribute to determining the future of our country by voting, contribute to determining the future of a company by working. She's an adult. I cannot believe you are trying to give her some leeway because she's 24.

Oh leave her alone. She doesn’t want to come, for whatever reason. She immature and doesn’t know how to handle this kind of thing yet. Accept it and move on.

Honestly the social pressure. It was clear that she wasn’t going to come from the minute she ghosted the group chat. But you just have to keep prodding.

And it may not even be just that — if she doesn’t know anyone else attending something planned as having a ‘big sleepover vibe’, she’s been probably muting a chat consisting entirely of total strangers planning this for months, and just got into the habit of not responding till it felt too late.

I think YABU because she is very young and was probably too embarrassed to say she can’t afford it and didn’t know how to handle it (immature; but not inexplicable) - and tbh she probably also doesn’t want to spend a weekend hanging out the ten middle aged women she doesn’t know (from her perspective) and didn’t know how to get out of it politely. She’s just not at that part of her life.

Your DH was very wrong to call it out, it’s now created a wedge against you. A gentle convo via MIL would have been fine.

Let this go and enjoy your hen with your friends. Life is long. I’m certain that when she matures a little you will become friends.

It is annoying, rude and immature. But it wouldnt change my relationship with sil or be hurt about the lack of reply. More like an eye roll at how a 24 year old cant handle basic communication, apologise to friends and move on.

Also when you “made it clear, no pressure etc, it sounds like half an invite, you don’t really want her there. Maybe be a little more mature yourself and move on otherwise it’ll might impact your wedding day and your or your partners relationship. It’s not that big a deal.

I wouldn’t do something separate. Just let it drop. It’s a he party, it doesn’t need multiple events. It’s a one off for your friends to celebrate with you. If she doesn’t come, she doesn’t come.

It’s rude and immature but don’t underestimate how embarrassed people are to say they can’t afford something. You see it on here all the time.

She didn't have to say it in the group chat - she could have said it to the OP or her brother. She could even have got her mum to call the OP weeks ago and explain if she really couldn't face doing it in person. The OP has listed several 'right' ways to have dealt with it which would all have been better than what she did.

Maybe she was embarrassed, I’m going to a hen later this year and the costs are not low, but the organisers are saying it’s “budget friendly”.

The brides husbands family are struggling to fund it but are too pressured by the others enthusiasm and outdoing each other to say anything and have asked him not to say anything.

People’s budgets vary, if she is a lot younger than everyone she might have have wanted to be included but the plans might have made her rethink or feel out of place and her initial confidence has reduced, but saying that she should have messaged the organisers separately from any group chat.

Have you spoken to her?

It was rude, but as others have said, it's difficult to tell strangers you can't afford something.

You, on the other hand, are completely overreacting. "Rethinking our relationship". Get over yourself. She's going to be your sister in law for a long time. Don't write her off for one stupid mistake.

Very immature and I totally agree with your partner calling her out on it

I think your SIL has behaved badly but I think your husband calling her out on the family chat instead of contacting her directly isn’t great either. You can’t moan that the MIL has got involved when your husband involved the whole family by texting the group chat.
Honestly I think when the hen party and wedding are over you’ll look back and realise that it’s no big deal. Definitely not worth ruining a relationship for.

Obviously she should have said no at the start, she probably felt pressured to go as the invite was from a family member and buried her head in the sand. Perhaps she suffers from social anxiety and spending time away with the OP’s friends would be difficult for her.

I would try not to dwell on it.

Hey OP, I can understand the frustration tho I've voted YABU as this is about her and her own challenges/insecurities. It'll be better for YOU in the long run if you don't take this personally. I'll bet that this is in no way a reflection of her feelings towards you, just her state of mind and lack of social etiquette. She'll become family so dont make it hard on yourself in the long run. Just downgrade your expectations of her and move forward. Enjoy your hen with your bezzies x

That’s very rude of her. But there is an upside - at least you know not to trust her with anything to do with the wedding.

She was rude - but it sounds like she’s just immature rather than obnoxious. By the sound of it, you invited her as a nice gesture rather than because you’d be gutted if she didn’t come, so I’d just chalk it up to experience and move on.

I would say, give her a break. She’s young, she doesn’t know anyone, she’s embarrassed about the money, she doesn’t know yet what goes into organising this sort of thing.

I was in my late 20s when a friend’s hen was being organised and even though costs were “low” one of our best friends went silent for weeks/months. She didn’t know how to say, your idea of low cost is not my reality. Even to a close friend. In the end she made up an excuse but only when pressed. She also had other stuff going on (newish baby).

I hope you have a lovely hen and lovely wedding. Don’t take other people’s levels of involvement or enthusiasm as a lack of concern and enthusiasm for you, though. As with everything in life, it probably isn’t about you at all but whatever they have going on.

Well it felt rude and inconsiderate because it was rude and inconsiderate.

But really I wouldn’t get it more thought than that. Certainly wouldn’t use as a barometer of our likely relationship for the next 50 years.

Move on.

like it or not though there is always pressure always the fear that it will come across wrongly and that they might take it exactly the way the OP has about the relationship

these things can be tricky to handle and next to impossible without someone having hurt feelings

24 now seems like 17 when we were young.

She’s a knob. We’ve had exactly the same sort of thing with my DD’s hen. Family members were invited with no pressure whatsoever, said they wanted to come and were added to the group chat, only to ignore all ongoing messages! So annoying.

Yes very rude. Probably one of those things where she really wanted to say no, bottled it then completely buried her head in the sand and got overwhelmed by it all!

She’s 24, she probably felt pressurised into saying yes in the first place. I wouldn’t have ghosted your friends but maybe she thought her non response was letting them know she wasn’t going. I’d have taken her radio silence as a no tbh.