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Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt my SIL ghosted my hen organisers?

108 replies

TheBlueRobin · 17/03/2026 07:58

I’m getting married later this year, and my two best friends from uni kindly offered to organise my hen. Because all my friends live all over the country, it made sense for it to be a weekend away, but I was very clear that I wanted it to be low‑cost and low‑pressure — basically a cosy girls’ weekend with nice snacks, a long walk, and a big sleepover vibe. No themes, nothing over the top.

I don’t have sisters or any close female relatives. My partner’s sister is 10 years younger, a master’s student, and doesn’t have much money. We’ve always got on well, or so I thought. Before planning started, I asked if she wanted to be included in the hen. I made it clear there was absolutely no pressure — the cost, the timing, and the age gap might all be barriers, and that was totally fine. She said she’d love to be included. I also told my MIL that we could do something separate so SIL didn’t feel left out, like a dinner. The hen location is also very close to ILs so there was the option just to come for part of it

My friends started organising everything and told me they were keeping things low cost, but after a few months they came to me saying they’d had complete radio silence from SIL. She hadn’t replied to the group chat or to any of their polite follow‑ups asking her to confirm whether she was coming. She’s not great at messaging, so at first I wasn’t too surprised, but eventually I messaged her myself. Still nothing.

In the end, my partner called her out in the family chat (which I didn’t agree with). My MIL then rang him to say SIL was ill in bed and that she wasn’t coming because of money, and that we’d do something separate instead. And that part is fine — I completely understand the money situation. What bothered me was that she never told my friends. She just ghosted them, and then got her mum to deliver the message, leaving me to explain everything to the people who were trying to organise something kind for me.

It’s left a bad taste, and I can’t help wondering if the relationship I thought we had was more one‑sided. She’s 24, lives away from home, and I feel like she should be able to communicate directly rather than involving her parents. She is the baby of the family and is quite mollycoddled, but still — it felt rude and really inconsiderate.

OP posts:
SugarPuffSandwiches · 17/03/2026 09:29

Although I do kind of agree with this too...
Not worth falling out over in the long run. Just don't include her in anything going forward

SugarPuffSandwiches · 17/03/2026 09:28

LittleBinChicken · 17/03/2026 08:38

Oh leave her alone. She doesn’t want to come, for whatever reason. She immature and doesn’t know how to handle this kind of thing yet. Accept it and move on.

Honestly the social pressure. It was clear that she wasn’t going to come from the minute she ghosted the group chat. But you just have to keep prodding.

Nothing wrong with not wanting to come, but basic manners should have someone saying "sorry, I'm not able to make it. Hope you have a lovely time though."
Nothing to do with age, she's 24, not 5!
Oh and no, just ghosting people doesn't automatically mean you don't want to come. People aren't automatically mind readers. They shouldn't be left second guessing.
Although posts like yours giving me some insight into the mindset of those who can't be arsed to let you know whether they're coming or not to a party or dither saying they are coming and then just don't turn up leaving you out of pocket.

BigYellowBus · 17/03/2026 09:24

It's maybe a reminder that not everyone gets excited about having to spent loads of money (I know you say it would be cheap but it's still a weekend away) on a hen do. What happened to an evening in the pub?

FeistyFrankie · 17/03/2026 09:20

OP let it go. She's 24. I'm not trying to make excuses but this is fairly typical behaviour from someone of this age.

FeistyFrankie · 17/03/2026 09:20

OP let it go. She's 24. I'm not trying to make excuses but this is fairly typical behaviour from someone of this age.

researchers3 · 17/03/2026 09:12

WhatNoRaisins · 17/03/2026 08:04

Agree it's rude and inconsiderate. In the long run OP it's best to try and accept that she's a flaky sort and have realistic expectations.

Yanbu. BUT I doubt she intended to be rude or hurtful. Not worth falling out over in the long run. Just don't include her in anything going forward.

My sil came on my hen and was a PITA and I wish I'd not invited her! (Ex sil now) You have the moral high ground, be gracious about it, you'll prob enjoy more without her there. Sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do.

Maddy70 · 17/03/2026 09:11

She knew she didn't have to go and was probably hanging on in the background seeing what final arrangements and costs were

SALaw · 17/03/2026 09:10

This is very much in the category of roll your eyes, tell your husband she’s a pain in the arse and think nothing more about it. It’s not a big deal in the grand scheme. I’m sure your friends can cope (they can also eye roll). No one has lost money, I don’t think, given you didn’t mention that?

MadCatHag · 17/03/2026 09:06

Now you know who she is and what you're dealing with. Lower your expectations accordingly, don't let it fester. Move on.

WhatNoRaisins · 17/03/2026 09:05

I suspect that people only start to grow up and mature when people around them expect it of them. I think that's a lot of the problem with babyish people in their 20s.

GoldenCupsatHarvestTime · 17/03/2026 09:04

Hen dos are shit. Mine was really upsetting. I’ve vowed that I’m never doing anything like it again tbh. Even my own sister, who I am very close with, didn’t come. And there was a male stripper… I’d suggested pottery painting or cake decorating and a long history tour!

wtftodo · 17/03/2026 09:04

Nanny0gg · 17/03/2026 08:56

She's 24!!

Many women are married/partnered/parents/holding down responsible jobs at that age.

Can we please stop infantilising people?

Show quote history

I’m not infantilising her. I’m pointing out many of us are socially immature at that age, including those of us who are holding down jobs, families, mortgages. You can be extremely adept at workplace dynamics and still essentially adolescent in your family dynamics.

I also think it’s fairly immature reaction from a woman in their 30s to call into question an entire relationship on the basis of not attending an event/replying to a group chat. But I understand why - just as I understand why the SIL might have behaved like this.

fwiw I would also say give her a break if she was 30 or 40… youth is a factor here but not the only one.

MatildaTheCat · 17/03/2026 09:03

Ok it’s rude but she will be your SIL for life if all goes well so I’d play the long game and overlook it. I would also send a message along the lines of, ‘hi Sarah, sorry you’ve been ill and I’m also sorry you can’t make the hen but absolutely understand. Can’t wait to have dinner together before the wedding and, obviously enjoy the big day itself. See you soon.x’

FWIW I remember at 24 being invited to a tea event with a bunch of 30 somethings and found it intimidating. No idea why now but there it is.

PollyBell · 17/03/2026 09:01

She is old enough to have passed on a decline

But why cant hen parties be here is the details turn up or not, why do multiple people have to organise so much

Bellyblueboy · 17/03/2026 09:00

She is old enough to be able to manage this is a polite way - your spine to be husband also seems to lack social graces.

A family trait you should consider more before the wedding.

CraftandGlamour · 17/03/2026 09:00

Tiswa · 17/03/2026 08:11

I think you are expecting g someone to basically say to people she doesn’t know that it is too much money and that is a lot.

the problem with text groups like this is you can feel a sense of obligation and you can see from the number of threads on it how hard it is to extract yourself from it and not cause offence

so ask yourself how would you have wanted her to handle it - what was the right way and the answer is there probably wasn’t that easy a way to say

Totally agree.

Your wedding - and congratulations! - is only the most important thing right now to you and your partner. Yes, she should have reached out, she didn't or didn't know how to.

Not having money or maybe not wanting to spend the little spare money you have on a weekend with a bunch of older randoms (to her), is understandable but difficult if not impossible to communicate. Have a bit of compassion, think the best of her not the worst of her and move on cos its hardly the end of the world, is it?

BTW, as much as I love my friends, my heart would sink if I was invited to a hen do of any kind let than know a weekend. There isn't a polite way to say that and sometimes we just have to have the good grace to read between the lines.

HisNotHes · 17/03/2026 09:00

At 24 she should be capable of sending a polite “thanks for the invite but I won’t be able to make it” message to the organisers.
Yes it’s rude to ignore both them and you.

Nanny0gg · 17/03/2026 08:56

wtftodo · 17/03/2026 08:21

I would say, give her a break. She’s young, she doesn’t know anyone, she’s embarrassed about the money, she doesn’t know yet what goes into organising this sort of thing.

I was in my late 20s when a friend’s hen was being organised and even though costs were “low” one of our best friends went silent for weeks/months. She didn’t know how to say, your idea of low cost is not my reality. Even to a close friend. In the end she made up an excuse but only when pressed. She also had other stuff going on (newish baby).

I hope you have a lovely hen and lovely wedding. Don’t take other people’s levels of involvement or enthusiasm as a lack of concern and enthusiasm for you, though. As with everything in life, it probably isn’t about you at all but whatever they have going on.

She's 24!!

Many women are married/partnered/parents/holding down responsible jobs at that age.

Can we please stop infantilising people?

JoshLymanSwagger · 17/03/2026 08:53

My MIL then rang him to say SIL was ill in bed and that she wasn’t coming because of money, and that we’d do something separate instead. I'd have good money on this not happening.

She is the baby of the family and is quite mollycoddled and it's good that you're aware of the larger family dynamic.

Have a relaxing Hen with your friends. Don't waste brainspace on childish SIL.

pinkdelight · 17/03/2026 08:48

Sounds like she might have other stuff going on and not been able to face it. I wouldn't make a big deal of it or extrapolate too much into what it means about your relationship with her. She's a young 24 by the sounds of it, going through her mum, and not ready/willing to be at this level with you and your friends. Enjoy the rest of your wedding plans and don't have any expectations of her beyond being your DP's sister.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 17/03/2026 08:47

Very rude of her but now you know what she is like. She cannot stand up for herself so tells people what they want to hear then ghosts when it comes to the crunch.

cramptramp · 17/03/2026 08:43

She’s ignorant. Don’t include her in anything else. Don’t give her another thought.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 17/03/2026 08:42

WhatNoRaisins · 17/03/2026 08:04

Agree it's rude and inconsiderate. In the long run OP it's best to try and accept that she's a flaky sort and have realistic expectations.

She's rude and inconsiderate, agreed, but I also second this - don't sweat over the fact that she's a PITA. She's a decade younger, chances are you would never have been close because you'll be experiencing very different lifestyles for all your lives.

(My BIL has a good relationship with my husband and I love his partner, BUT they are in their early twenties whilst I'm closer to forty! We're tied up with our son all the time and they're off exploring the world as they should be.)

So commiserate this with your friends, but don't turn this into a potentially life-long grudge. She's still got a lot of maturing to do.

LoveWine123 · 17/03/2026 08:41

I would also find this very rude. There is absolutely no need for the SIL to say that she can’t afford it, all she had to do was post a one liner in the group chat saying sorry, I can’t make it. It really isn’t such a big deal. Instead how she handled it caused it to become a big deal with several people involved. She is 24, not 14, ahead us not too young at all. That said, I would move on from it, not worth the falling out.

PacificState · 17/03/2026 08:40

My direct experience of people in their early 20s is that they tend to treat WhatsApp groups as optional anyway - I think there’s a certain cachet in not replying/muting (to be fair, it might be the only way to cope with the number of groups they are in).

It’s the kind of rudeness that comes from immaturity. As someone else said, in years to come she will cringe about this. I’d just let it go now.