AIBU to worry about my 19-year-old after his first breakup?

Time is a healer but so is distance. If there is a friendship group aspect a lot to be said for him doing some travelling or a course away from home.

wtf?!

Sadly nothing would have prepared your son for this - first break ups are devastating. Keep being there for him, encourage him to talk about how he is feeling (much better to talk about it than keep it in) not only to you but to DH as well. It will probably be relentless for a while, he will repeat the same thing - just be his safe place.

It is sad but I think they get over it fairly quickly in that they really express themselves and their feelings quite dramatically at that age. My son was dumped and he was full on crying and devastated. Didn’t eat for days etc. It was really sad but it honestly didn’t take long for him to feel better. Bless him, first love hey.

Lots of nurture. He’ll be feeling so scared and broken but that’s so lovely he’s got you and his dad sitting with him, talking with him and giving him a place where he knows he can show his emotions. They’ll be overwhelming for him at the moment and the comfort you’re giving him will be so significant.

In a strong field this is some of the worst advice I have seen.

I think you should try to convince her to take him back and get them back together and having fun then she might change her mind and tell her off a bit too for speaking to your son like that after 4 years talk some sense into her

This thread is very timely for me, 19 year old DS going through almost exactly the same thing (well 2.5 year relationship).

My DS doesn't want to talk about it all so I'm assuming she broke up with him and obviously I'm dying to know what happened but am holding off from pushing him to talk about it.

We are a week in and I feel he's a bit better but like you OP I was worried sick. Woke up at 2 am thinking about it etc.

Good luck with supporting your DS, you sound lovely ❤️

I’m not surprised he’s so devastated. This is more than a teenage heartbreak, this is years of his life spent with one person, imagining a future with her. It’s very very tough. I’m so sorry for both of you.

You asked what I did with my daughter. I let her go over and over the sane stuff, trying to piece together what happened. Everyone got sick of talking about it but I understood she had to, and if she wasn’t talking about it she would be obsessing over it in her own head. I did lots of little outings with her to fuss and let her acknowledge she was sad but tried to find things that would brighten her a little. I told her about when I was young and these things happened to me. I encouraged her so much to go outside her comfort zone and try some new things that she didn’t even fancy doing but ended up enjoying. When she was ready to be angry at him (this took a while despite his awful behaviour) I guided her through feeling helpless and tried to get her to do things on her own terms. It took ages and I felt very low at her sadness to be honest. But she’s bright and happy now and we are a whole new level of closeness. Very best of luck xx

It’s very very rare in this day and age to stay with the person you’ve been with since 15. We grow and change so much in our teens and twenties, and more often than not in different directions. Nineteen is way too young to be considering marriage and mortgages, there’s a whole world out there waiting to be experienced first.
I feel for you, it’s so hard, all you can do is be there when he needs you and encourage him to get out with friends or concentrate on hobbies and things he enjoys. He will get over it, we always do, it just takes time.

My DD 19 went through this. It was awful to see. He was her first love and quite a bit older than her. I tried everything to help her but she didn't care about anything except him. They are back together now. Have been for over a year but I have a feeling this will happen again and will be even worse second time around 😞. There is literally nothing you can do to make this better for him unfortunately. Just be there if he wants to talk. I tried everything - taking her out, buying her nice things etc but she didn't want any of that....she just wanted him.

It is incredibly painful to get your heart broken at this age. It can feel like your life is over. But this is quite an important, albeit painful, lesson. It had to happen at some time.

Also tbh 19 is ludicrously young to be planning to get married so he’s probably actually dodged a bullet.

If I had never broken up with previous boyfriends then I never would have met my husband. I can see with hindsight that previous relationships weren't quite right (which is why we broke up) and whilst it is painful at the time, i had the freedom to find myself, travel a bit and then ultimately be the person my husband needed when I met him. Its painful. No one would ever say it's easy to go through, but the locked doors around him have just started to spring open and he's suddenly found himself with a golden opportunity to get to know the individual, not half of a couple. Everyone eventually gets over break ups and finds a new normal- the skill is getting up after giving yourself time to grief and then accept that there is something better out there (statistically speaking) and he should go find it. She'll always be part of his roots so it's not like he should forget her, but the 30 year old version would undoubtedly come back and tell him that everything is actually going to turn out just fine.

There may not have been problems. It could just have been the next step for them that pulled the plug; moving in together, getting engaged and sharing bank accounts made everything so serious and permanent and she realised she wasn’t ready for this at 19 so she quit altogether.

He’s also too young for that type of commitment, not that you should tell him so.

The good news is if she is a lovely girl and treated him kindly - to this point - then the bar has been set and this will do him well when choosing future girlfriends and a life partner.

Just be there for him now, quietly supporting him through it.

Pretty much this. We have all been there and now look back and laugh about now dramatic it all was. In the long run it will be a valuable life experience. Be there for him, dare I say advise him not to love bomb or do anything drastic to 'win her back' , part of growing up is accepting her decision. Also, don't let him fall into the false hope of any offerings from her of 'let's be friends'. A clean break is probably better if possible.

It is harsh having to readjust to the concept of “starting again” after a LTR ends. It takes time.

Not a comparison, as I was in my 40s at the time, but when my wife left me (for someone else) I genuinely thought I would never get back up. Just could not imagine my life without her. Didn’t want it. My family and friends were so amazing and over a period of months they just reminded me that they all thought I was amazing, the fact that my ex didn’t, wasn’t the measure of me, and that I was loved and would have a wonderful new life. It did take months but gradually I started to look forward instead of backward. I remember one of my friends coming to take me to see the Taylor Swift film because I love Taylor Swift. My friend doesn’t care about her but sat for 3 hours through the film with me and then we went for a drink. Just little things like that made me realise I could do nice things and have fun without my ex.

The experience taught me so much about myself and other people. I do believe that every relationship comes with a lesson (or lessons) and with a bit of perspective you can take those lessons and grow as a person without feeling bitter that the relationship ended. But I’m 50 now and it’s taken me a long time to reach that conclusion!

I’ve been through similar recently and it’s awful to see your child in pain like that. Even though my son is a 20 yr old 6 footer he cried in my arms and I cried with him because it hurt to see him like that. All I could really do was be there for him and be a shoulder to cry on. He’s gradually getting better but I was worried. I suspect she met someone else but that’s life. As his mum I secretly think she’s mad as my son is so lovely but I am of course bias.