AIBU to worry about my 19-year-old after his first breakup?

I think as mums we feel the pain almost as intensely as they do. Boys deal with it differently. I was chatting with one of DS’s flatmates at the weekend. They have been so supportive of DS over the last 6 months while he’s been struggling. Not girlfriend related, but a relentless series of family horrors that eventually took their toll. Fortunately two of his flatmates are longterm friends from home so understand why he’s been struggling.

Their 4th flatmate has been quietly struggling. They have only known him since starting uni but it sounds like he’s trying to navigate a breakup with his girlfriend without a lot of support. I suggested that they tried to get him to open up. The other three are much more comfortable chatting to each other because they know each other’s history.

I remember when DS’s first love moved on. It was very hard for him since it sort of finalised everything. But it did draw a line under it and he moved on. But the period between them splitting up and it being final wasn’t fun. She did have him on a bunjee which really wasn’t fair. It was her dad that put his foot down. He was fond of DS and was very angry that his daughter was messing him around. He was ex forces and had probably seen his fair share of young men having their hearts broken. Sometimes dads step up.

It is worrying… in one way it’s lovely that he’s sensitive and has the ability to love deeply. However the downside is that he’s more vulnerable.
I made a point of reiterating that my DS could speak at any time even at 2am and he sometimes took me up on it.
It could be a long road though and in many ways will only be cured more quickly by falling in love again with someone else.
Too early to think of that though

I also agree with a PP that often they need to go over and over the same thing and just being a good listener is very cathartic for them and helps in the healing process…

Test

I hope your poor son finds peace, keep a close eye on him. Echoing another poster I think a good lads holiday even for a week would do him the world of good just to get him into a different environment and may change his mindset. I know it could be seen as running from the situation and he’ll have to come back but it could work.

I remember my mom just sitting on the end of my bed (and my brother too!) whilst I hid under the covers and cried after I ended my 2yr relationship (20years old and back for University hols). The best piece of advice my mom gave me was just accept the emotions for 6 weeks, don’t do anything rash in that time. In 6weeks the world will look a lot different. She was right!
Mr brother flew to Australia for 4 days after his fist break up haha! Think he wanted to be anywhere but here but only had a weeks annual leave so spent nearly 3 days flying and 4 days in the ground. He said it didn’t really solve anything but did distract him

I think it could take longer than the two weeks that a PP suggested, for him to recover.

Whilst you cannot replace the girlfriend, you obviously have a close relationship with him ( which is lovely) , so my advice would be to be there whenever he wants a chat and spoil him a bit with meals/cakes etc. It sounds superficial, but my DS later told me this was really helpful.
Id also tell him that you’re always there for a chat even late at night.

Yes and no. It’s been a tough few years for him with family events. Two close bereavements and both DH and I have had serious health problems so he’s had to grow up quickly. I honestly think had he not been so laid back he would have had a lot more problems. He’s not had a good 12months, by his standards, although still been out enjoying life, he hasn’t been in the right mindset for a steady relationship. His uni course has seriously suffered and he will be retaking this year, but he’s dealt with it himself. He knows what makes him tick and is now in a much better place.

I remember saying to him when he was rock bottom after breaking up with his first love, that it seems like it’s the end of the world but it won’t be the first time and there will be many times in life where everything feels hopeless. I didn’t know at the time he would be facing it on repeat for four years.

He quietly worries about me because the latest bereavement was my youngest sister, my DH also had a stroke when DS was 17 and although ok, it has been a tough time being his carer. DS helps out a lot at home with the jobs DH used to do but we tried to encourage him to be a normal teenager. He actually didn’t need too much encouragement and has a big network of friends who have helped. And didn’t back off when he was struggling.

If you met him you wouldn’t know he’s been through the mill which has been an issue because his version is “ I’ve had a few personal problems” in anyone else’s version it would be “ my world has caved in”. Once he gave his uni tutor a full timeline of events she has totally backed off and they have allowed him to deal with it. He has coped with being away from home, living in a flat with friends but couldn’t handle attending lectures. He admitted to being agoraphobic and only being able to leave the flat with his friends. It was only after a few months that we all realised how much he was masking. What made it worse was having scabies that proved difficult to get rid of. He had severe itching and he said that what stopped him going to lectures was the fear of passing it on and being sat for an hour without being able to scratch.

But yes it’s great to see him happy again.

I think we only see it from the girls point of view until we go through it with a son.
Just to give you hope I collected my son from uni today and he announced he’d met his future wife last night. Of course he is older and wiser and a lot more cynical but at least he still has the confidence to go in eyes wide open with optimism but with the added knowledge that relationships are not everything.
Thankfully it seems girls are just as practical when they enter their twenties, particularly those who are undergraduates. I’m always wary when he dates girls who have no ambition. Unfortunately DS is not planning to work just for money he wants to enjoy work and is realistic that this doesn’t always equate to a huge salary, so he’s not a good catch for anyone hoping to be a kept woman.

I had the same with my 18 year old a few months ago, first gf, first heartbreak, it was awful to see and really hurts as a mum watching him go through this, at one point he was begging me to txt her, I didn’t of course, but it was hard.
I just spent time with him and let him talk when he wanted about it, took him out for tea and pushed him back to the gym to try and refocus, took him for drives, i honestly felt like I had a little boy back as he seemed so broken , he just slept a lot and needed time , we’ve all been there, you just have to be there for him but also give him space because to them it’s like grieving, it’s took along time for him to start going back out and they have since bumped into each other and talked, but he stronger now and refocused on enjoying his life again, he will get there just be there for him and try and talk when he wants and encourage him to do other things, slowly he will rebuild his life again.

In the worlds of Cat Stevens “ the first cut is the deepest”. I think as a woman we think that men are cold as steel after a break up because that’s how they come across in public but at home they are in bits. I was sort of glad DS went through his first break up before he left home. I would have been seriously worried about him if he’d been away at uni.

It takes time and you tread on eggshells for an eternity but I let DS talk it through, usually in the car, and eventually he got back on track.

It’s no coincidence that the best break up songs are written by men. They really feel the pain but often react by having a series of short lived relationships followed by a period of being single because at 19/20 being single and with your mates is brilliant fun. It’s too early to suggest this but learning to be on your own is actually quite important.

The music they play is wonderful. I now have a number of Lil Peep tracks on my playlist because I became quite a fan when they were played on repeat at full volume for months.

The only forceable problem is the tendency for some girls to control after the break up and keep them dangling for a few months. It’s really hard to stay neutral but there were times when I could have throttle DS’s ex because she wasn’t happy with DS talking to any other girl ( they were still at 6th form). But he eventually got over it and is happily single at the moment, he has a number of women on the go but apparently it’s how things are done nowadays. They date but are not necessarily exclusive. He’s too busy enjoying life to be joined at the hip nowadays. Although I think he would like a steady girlfriend but unfortunately the toxicity of his ex means he is super cautious. Being at uni makes it difficult unless they are both happy with long distant relationships.

@PeacheyPeach

He will. It’s like a period of grief. It’s just so so gut wrenching to watch. He clearly loved her and has the capacity for love. He will emerge, perhaps with his boundaries a little tighter next time, but all the stronger for it.

How is he getting on OP?