AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

Yes. We tell our daughters and son that they should always have some money that only they control at whatever stage they are in life.
OP has done this so is in a position to start specifying the expected behaviour. One of which is her partner getting some income coming into the household and the other is using his non working or non child care time to benefit the household by doing domestic work or DIY jobs.
Presumably, when the arcade is finished coded, his intention is to spend his day playing on it.

Surely you need your savings for your 'sabbatical'?

You have a young child. He is neither looking for work nor addressing his mental health issues. I couldn’t forgive this irresponsible attitude. You say your savings will see you through five months. Then what? Could you lose your home? For me the marriage would be over.

Im sorry but this is ridiculous, im glad he gets to just refuse to participate in being an adult and everyone else just picks up the slack! Doesn't want to do childcare, your mum picks it up (along with the bill!), doesnt want to do housework, the wife picks it up, doesnt want to work, the wife will pick it up. If only we all realised it was optional!

Unfortunately it sounds like the only person who can change this is you, he can refuse to do it, but you can refuse to tolerate it and it sounds like you are close to done anyway. So I would be looking at my options for protecting whats left of your savings and getting out.

He must get a job, and you must keep your savings intact. That cash will evaporate frighteningly fast, and then what?

I’m not a lawyer but mid divorce. Legally your marriage is still considered short, legally. As it lengthens the argument for the marital pot being divided equally increases. You might want to factor that in.

I took voluntary redundancy last year after getting burnt out at my job. The payout was equivalent to about 6 months pay. I took a proper 4 months out before searching for a job again. No way would I have done this if no payout was on the cards or had the gall to start building a new arcade?! wtf?? I’ve also taken on all the cooking, life admin, etc.

Your husband may very well have needed a short break but this is truly taking the piss.

Time to send this one back to his mummy.

I think you are cherry picking bits to suit and projecting here
The DH insisted on separate finances and now he is running out of money wants to use hers, funny that!
How has he been a good partner to her in this marriage ?
Leaving work, refusing to look for work , do chores or child care and spending 6 months building a game(!)
My DS did that when he was 16

Clearly this is not something lacking in the Op but this mans bizarre reaction to her being on ML
I wouldnt be surprised if he has been reading something in the " manosphere" and this is a strange type of revenge.

Course he needs to find a job. Any job

I wouldn’t want fo use my savings when he isn’t even trying

and yes you don’t want him to be sole carer, get a divorce and end up paying him maintence. That happens to a friend of mine

@Mylovelygreendress Exactly what happened to me, too. Which is why I would never have sole joint bank accounts like so many married women opt to do.
Because it can be emptied very quickly indeed by the other party and you are left with nothing.
I had 73p when I left.

Your mum is a saint. She is essentially paying your husband to sit at home tinkering with his projects. I would not let my mum continue doing this, so something has to change.

Which is exactly what my exh did . Emptied joint current and savings accounts , took off and left me with a few pounds in my purse .
Been happily remarried for more than 30 years but separate finances.

He doesnt even want to look after your Daughter half the time when he is living with you, what on earth makes you think he would want 50:50?

Honestly if there are truly mental health issues, why has he not started addressing this with his GP? It sounds more like he just wants to play with his arcade and hasnt had enough time!

I do not understand why he is at home full time yet you are using childcare 3 days a week! And he isnt doing any extra housework, of course he doesnt want it to change, he has 5 days a week to dick about on his hobby!

As someone else said, the job market is not great and even actively looking, a new job could take a while to find so what happens when the money runs out, he starts looking and realises there isnt a whole lot out there? The savings have run out so how are you paying now? And what if he gets a job and that doesnt work out, you have now both burned through any safety net so he can build an arcade!!

I think this whole thing sounds like he is enjoying being able to do not much aside from his hobby and he hasnt even considered the consequences.

No absolutely not because what happens if he doesn’t find a job? That money is the absolute safety net

Most contractors my husband has work with, all set aside money to pay for pensions, NI, Tax, sickness, holidays etc. Yes, they earn a high salary, but from that salary, they have to set aside money for all the above.

Your husband should have set aside money throughout his contract to pay for all these. He should have set aside money to cover him being off on paternity leave, for example.

Your husband has been seeing a therapist privately for 9 months, but has stopped due to not being able to afford it. He's on medication and has seen his GP. Other than see a therapist, which appears to have been a waste of time, and taking antidepressants, what else is he doing to help himself? Sitting at home, working on his hobbies, is fine for some of the time but actually he needs to get out. Long walks, take up a sport/join a gym, socialise with friends. Taking time off work, yes I understand that, but 8-9 months off??? No, especially as he's not doing much to help himself.

He doesn't help you in the home, is spending his child free time, faffing around at home and generally seems disengaged from normal life. He essentially just wants to potter at home, and that's it.

You will find yourself in serious financial trouble, if you can't get your husband to focus on finding a new job. If you were to help him, what does he think will happen when the money runs dry??? The elves and fairies are going to pay the mortgage and bills!!!

I am suggesting divorce but of course as your savings are a marital asset, he'd be entitled to half of them. You need a blunt conversation with him.

If he knows you won't consider splitting up because you're afraid of sharing custody, he has you trapped. He's opted out of being a partner to you, but he can still do what he wants and it very strongly affects you. A DIY sabbatical/career break/leave should be planned and limited to manage the loss of income; it can't go on open-ended, indefinitely. Of course YANBU to say no to using your savings, just as HIBU to stop therapy (if depression is the root of his issues) and to shirk his agreed-on household responsibilities and to refuse to consider even part-time, casual work - but does any of that matter if you can't follow through on any ultimatum? Let's say you decide to just go ahead and and use your savings, if necessary all of it - what will you do when it's gone and he still has no prospects?

Even when he did work, he hardly did any work and managed to get away with it. He may be in much worse shape career-wise than you realise.* *Employers may turn a blind eye to a contractor goofing off or underperforming if the contract is up relatively soon, but the problem worker is unlikely to be offered another future contract or reference, or be able to find a new contract/job via the connections they normally would have built up with coworkers, clients, vendors, etc. Is it possible he's not bothered at all - in eight months!!!! - to look for a job because he knows he won't find one in his field?

Funny how he felt the strain of being the only breadwinner while you were at home looking after your joint child. But now you're carrying the financial load....

I’m not sure how much you have saved but what is his plan? Bleed you both dry until you have a toddler, zero savings and are in a very precarious situation and THEN start looking for a job and/or dealing with his mental health?

He could work part time and contribute to the household and go to his GP to discuss his depression.

I would be very annoyed he’s basically working on a personal project which requires the same hours and skills as a job would yet claiming he is unfit for work….!

So he has been building a game for 6 months whilst your finances become less secure by the day because he has no income.
I think you are right to be concerned. Even if you did agree to use your savings it is only putting off the day when you hit crisis, because it's an attitude that has developed which won't change if you sub him for the next 3 or 6 months. In fact it is likely to become more entrenched and harder to find work.
It is worrying that he hasn't done all those things that would benefit you and the household he said he would. You would be less resentful about your savings if he had, no doubt.
With young children the desire to have some security and savings to fall back on is strong, and rightly so. You know deep down using your savings us only delaying the inevitable tipping point where things have to change.
Better to have the conversation and work out how to move forward now than in 6 months when you have no savings left.
And all those jobs should be done. They will help with motivation to get a job too.

You need to put your DC’s interests first, not his wishes/demands. Your DC needs a stable home. Focus on that, and it should give you momentum. Basically you need to take control, not him. You say what needs to happen and by when. You say what will happen if he does not start earning a reasonable salary. He is taking the proverbial
massively.

I would discuss this with your mum and consider diverting money to her now for childcare otherwise he may take half of it in a divorce.

Stop calling this a sabbatical as it isn’t.

Yuk. He sounds like he was jealous of your mat leave and 'covering for you' with the bills, so is now getting his 'year off' now. But without 80% of the child in tow.

I can't see a way out of this, apart from seperating?

This is no way for a partner to behave.

That would be a dealbreaker for me. How lazy and unattractive. I don’t know you, but I know you deserve better.

I understand burnout, but he really should have been looking at either PT work short term while he 'recovers' (anything at all to at least be earning something) or looking at taking a step back in his field to something less intens(although it hardly sounds intense).

It's not OK to sit around doing nothing and expect you to foot the bill. It sounds like he's extremely lazy, childish and resentful thst you got mat leave. This man will forever be a second child to you, and while your DD will groe and learn independence, this dead weight never will.

I think you need a serious conversation about a deadline for him to have a job, otherwise the house goes on the market and you divorce.

It does seem like divorce is inevitable, in your shoes I would approach my employer to check the feasibility of a four day work week and sort out extra childcare for the other day. Get everything in order for when it happens.