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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

345 replies

Bickytoria20 · 16/03/2026 23:28

⸻

AIBU to refuse to use my savings to support DH when he won’t job hunt?

My DH will run out of money in about 6 weeks and still hasn’t started looking for a job. He wants me to use my savings to give him more time. I’ve said no, as I don’t think it’s fair – by that point he’ll have had around 8 months off and has done precisely nothing in terms of job hunting.

I see my savings as an emergency fund, not something to fund an extended break. He, however, thinks that if I don’t use them, I’m effectively abandoning him and not supporting him as his wife.

He says he’s depressed and needs more time off. I do believe he’s struggling, but he can’t say how long he needs, and originally said he’d only take 1–2 months before looking again. I’ve tried to be supportive, but it feels like the only support he considers valid is financial.

What makes this harder is that he spends basically all his time working on a personal coding project he’s been doing throughout his sabbatical. It clearly requires focus and skill, so I struggle to accept that he’s incapable of job hunting or working at all.

Background:
• He’s currently in month 6 of a sabbatical after his contract (software engineer) ended.
• Reasons for the break were:

  1. His mental health declined, partly due to strain in our relationship while he was the main breadwinner during my maternity leave (our DD is now 21 months).
  2. He wanted more time with our DD as he didn’t get paternity leave (he now looks after her 2 days a week).
  3. He planned to do various DIY jobs (extension, garden fence, etc.).

To be fair, he has continued paying his share of the bills and mortgage from his savings, which he built up beforehand. But those savings are now almost gone.

So… AIBU to draw the line and refuse to use my savings to give him more time?

OP posts:
Luckyingame · 17/03/2026 08:31

This old tiresome BS. Women get depressed and mostly continue to do it all.
Don't use your savings.
He gets paid work, or you take your daughter, your money and walk.
Yuck. 🙁

brassbellsandcockleshells · 17/03/2026 08:29

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 17/03/2026 08:26

@Sustainbrain Love this!
They usually go on to find a replacement doormat - sometimes these are in the form of a new relationship.

It never ceases to amaze me how these total utter losers can always find some mug to support them ! 🙄

Sustainbrain · 17/03/2026 08:28

Bickytoria20 · 17/03/2026 08:20

I’m so sorry to hear this happened to you. How have you coped since? Do you have children? And yes I do believe my DH is undiagnosed AUDHD.

Show quote history

Yes I have 2 kids. It was very hard at certain points particularly when the kids where about 3 and 8 and also when we had to go to court - but I have certainly overall thrived. I founded and run a successful business and i have a lovely partner. DM me any time. The auadhd is not a problem at all if someone can recognise it and work with their strengths and sensitivities without blaming and torturing their oh!

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 17/03/2026 08:26

@Sustainbrain Love this!
They usually go on to find a replacement doormat - sometimes these are in the form of a new relationship.

ManyATrueWord · 17/03/2026 08:26

Top thought: If someone is going to be miserable, make sure it isn't you.

Your DH is holding you hostage by refusing to act. Your choice is to slow this or to stop permitting it and act yourself. Ask yourself: where will you be if this slide into poverty continues?

I have seen too many women hoping their husbands would change and suddenly put the family first or grow up and take adult responsibility. The husband's never did, because they didn't want to. They didn't have to because they were getting what they wanted.

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 17/03/2026 08:24

@Mylovelygreendress Definitely in a better place, thank you - it sounds like you are too? ❤️
Well over a decade on and still in privately rented so not ideal, but these men are often financial controllers as both we have unfortunately experienced. The courts often fail to support us when these men lie. You live and learn; sometimes the hard way.
But...now I am remarried and my husband and I share a daughter who is adored by her big big brothers and the rest of the family so no regrets. I am fully respected as a woman which is so incredibly important.
Onwards and upwards.
As Emmeline Pankhurst once said: "I incite this meeting to rebellion" - and that's exactly what I did! 💪

Motomum23 · 17/03/2026 08:24

OP draw a line in the sand - my h stopped working due to mental health and said he would do the housework while I worked, he doesn't do anything and I am solely responsible for everything - its been years - he's about to hit retirement age now and the only reason I am still with him is the kids like him.

Sustainbrain · 17/03/2026 08:24

Also I spent so much time tidying up after him once I left and became a single mum I actually had more time to work focus on my career and look after myself. He had drained the life out of me. It's shit that my kids have to spend half their childhood with him but they also get to see a healthy home the other half of the time and they understand that they do not need to put up with this kind of crap all their life long.

After I left I happened to have a spare doormat by my front door for whatever reason I think I bought one that was too thick. When he came to collect the kids he saw it and asked for it. I said yes, please do take home this doormat. You must need a new one. It felt very fitting.

LakieLady · 17/03/2026 08:23

I made him agree to a trial of pooling our money when he next gets a job. I think that might be one reason why he is dragging his heels as he hates the idea of sharing all money.

It sounds to me as though he's happy for your money to be shared but not his.

Toomuchprivateinfo · 17/03/2026 08:22

Bickytoria20 · 16/03/2026 23:35

Thanks for your comment. Yeah the money is a whole other kettle of fish. We currently have separate money. I made him agree to a trial of pooling our money when he next gets a job. I think that might be one reason why he is dragging his heels as he hates the idea of sharing all money. So yes the savings are mine, but he is also annoyed that I consider them mine. But the fact that they are mine is besides the point really, I would feel the same if they were ‘our’ savings.

Show quote history

Well he can’t have it both ways - doesn’t want to pool money but when it comes to needing your savings then you should share!

Historian0111101000 · 17/03/2026 08:22

Jamfirstnotcream · 17/03/2026 07:54

I think you are cherry picking bits to suit and projecting here
The DH insisted on separate finances and now he is running out of money wants to use hers, funny that!
How has he been a good partner to her in this marriage ?
Leaving work, refusing to look for work , do chores or child care and spending 6 months building a game(!)
My DS did that when he was 16

Clearly this is not something lacking in the Op but this mans bizarre reaction to her being on ML
I wouldnt be surprised if he has been reading something in the " manosphere" and this is a strange type of revenge.

Show quote history

This has clearly been going on for a long time, but OP only seems worried now that his money is gone and she might have to dip into her savings. That alone says a lot about their relationship. This could have been solved with a few simple conversation, yet here she is, posting for the usual “your husband is a jerk, leave him” responses.

Melarus · 17/03/2026 08:20

Best thing I was ever asked was - what if your psychological safety was your utmost priority? What would your life be like?

SUCH a good question! Seriously mull this over, OP, it will help you reframe your thinking. And I think it will help your child, too, in the long run. Your safety is her (?his?) safety.

Original poster
Bickytoria20 · 17/03/2026 08:20

Sustainbrain · 17/03/2026 08:17

This sounds like the behavior if my auadhd ex h. He did exactly the same thing. Software developer depression wanted a break spent the time on nonsense projects including making a desk from gas pipes, matched betting and a phone game addiction. And his time off was pay back for my maternity for sure. He took us 50k into debt with his family member. I did leave him. It's now 50 50. That is a nightmare. If you can do anything to avoid that, do.

But I got my freedom back from the abuse, as that is what this is. I'm so sorry op but great your mum sounds supportive. Best thing I was ever asked was - what if your psychological safety was your utmost priority? What would your life be like?

I’m so sorry to hear this happened to you. How have you coped since? Do you have children? And yes I do believe my DH is undiagnosed AUDHD.

OP posts:
Kisskiss · 17/03/2026 08:17

your savings are the only cushion both of you have. So before he much as sniffs at them , he should be job hunting properly… when your savings run out that’s it for both of you

Sustainbrain · 17/03/2026 08:17

This sounds like the behavior if my auadhd ex h. He did exactly the same thing. Software developer depression wanted a break spent the time on nonsense projects including making a desk from gas pipes, matched betting and a phone game addiction. And his time off was pay back for my maternity for sure. He took us 50k into debt with his family member. I did leave him. It's now 50 50. That is a nightmare. If you can do anything to avoid that, do.

But I got my freedom back from the abuse, as that is what this is. I'm so sorry op but great your mum sounds supportive. Best thing I was ever asked was - what if your psychological safety was your utmost priority? What would your life be like?

brassbellsandcockleshells · 17/03/2026 08:16

BlackbirdShouting · 17/03/2026 07:55

I’m not a lawyer but mid divorce. Legally your marriage is still considered short, legally. As it lengthens the argument for the marital pot being divided equally increases. You might want to factor that in.

I agree, I think you need to get legal advice here OP 🙂

AutumnFroglets · 17/03/2026 08:14

Bickytoria20 · 17/03/2026 01:08

Yes, yes, and yes.

Our therapist has encouraged us to make a plan to separate but so far we have not, so no.

Show quote history

When a professional discusses this scenario i would say your relationship is well and truly over.

Your H adds nothing to your life except stress. He adds nothing your DCs life at all. It's time for you to face reality.

Mylovelygreendress · 17/03/2026 08:09

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 17/03/2026 07:52

@Mylovelygreendress Exactly what happened to me, too. Which is why I would never have sole joint bank accounts like so many married women opt to do.
Because it can be emptied very quickly indeed by the other party and you are left with nothing.
I had 73p when I left.

I hope you are ok now . It took me a long time to get back on my feet but I managed .

Original poster
Bickytoria20 · 17/03/2026 08:05

MadeForThis · 17/03/2026 08:04

How long did you take off for Maternity leave? Do you think he believes that he is entitled to the same?

A year. And yes I think deep down he thinks this is pay back for my year ‘off’. He will never admit though.

OP posts:
TheHillIsMine · 17/03/2026 08:05

Bickytoria20 · 17/03/2026 00:55

Oh my god what an arsehole. That must have made you furious. And yes that is exactly the kind of thing I am worried about.

Show quote history

Why are you worried? You'd get more child support. Don't stay in this arrangement to try and stop the other. That's cutting your nose off to spite your space. Exposing your daughter to crap she doesn't need and potentially setting her up to stay with a tosser. Life is too long to spend it living like this. Your mum should really refuse to pay anymore. She's subsidising your prat of a husband as well.

MadeForThis · 17/03/2026 08:04

How long did you take off for Maternity leave? Do you think he believes that he is entitled to the same?

namechange2026 · 17/03/2026 08:03

goplacidlyamidthenoise · 17/03/2026 03:06

You would benefit from putting those savings beyond his reach both now and in a subsequent divorce.

Why should your mum pay for 2 days a week childcare whilst your dh indulges himself with his hobby and doesn't even pick up the bulk of the household chores ?

If you can trust your mum, let her know that divorce is a possibility, liaise with her privately and get her to document (e-mail possibly) that she will no longer be paying for the 2 days of nursery and that she would also like a contribution to her expenses for the day that she takes care of your daughter. Pay her out of your savings.

If your dh believes the savings have been spent it may spur him on to take work of some sort.

btw, don't you qualify for any free childcare hours ?

This is actually a really smart idea, if you are looking at divorce, give your mum your savings and frame it as payment for all the childcare costs and then she can save it for you for once the divorce is done and stops your Husband getting half of it and allows you to have a buffer post divorce.

Theroadt · 17/03/2026 08:02

Bickytoria20 · 16/03/2026 23:28

⸻

AIBU to refuse to use my savings to support DH when he won’t job hunt?

My DH will run out of money in about 6 weeks and still hasn’t started looking for a job. He wants me to use my savings to give him more time. I’ve said no, as I don’t think it’s fair – by that point he’ll have had around 8 months off and has done precisely nothing in terms of job hunting.

I see my savings as an emergency fund, not something to fund an extended break. He, however, thinks that if I don’t use them, I’m effectively abandoning him and not supporting him as his wife.

He says he’s depressed and needs more time off. I do believe he’s struggling, but he can’t say how long he needs, and originally said he’d only take 1–2 months before looking again. I’ve tried to be supportive, but it feels like the only support he considers valid is financial.

What makes this harder is that he spends basically all his time working on a personal coding project he’s been doing throughout his sabbatical. It clearly requires focus and skill, so I struggle to accept that he’s incapable of job hunting or working at all.

Background:
• He’s currently in month 6 of a sabbatical after his contract (software engineer) ended.
• Reasons for the break were:

  1. His mental health declined, partly due to strain in our relationship while he was the main breadwinner during my maternity leave (our DD is now 21 months).
  2. He wanted more time with our DD as he didn’t get paternity leave (he now looks after her 2 days a week).
  3. He planned to do various DIY jobs (extension, garden fence, etc.).

To be fair, he has continued paying his share of the bills and mortgage from his savings, which he built up beforehand. But those savings are now almost gone.

So… AIBU to draw the line and refuse to use my savings to give him more time?

Using your savings to help him out when he makes no effort is a slippery slope, OP - been there, done that, and now no savings working extremely hard to keep whole family afloat due to lazy fecklessness of my husband and worrying endlessly. When my youngest (now 17) leaves home that’s it I’m off.

OVienna · 17/03/2026 08:02

No, he shouldn't be spending through your savings w/o looking for a job. Five months is not THAT much savings considering how long it could take to find a job. The panic stations which that runs out and he HAS to get something will be unreal.

Mum2Fergus · 17/03/2026 08:02

As you’re married (for the moment!), should you decide to separate or not, it’s all marital assets so there’ll be no his and yours savings (assuming you’re in UK). Likely best to start your exit plan while there is still a pot to split.

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