AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

MRAs are here

Can he use UC and JSA?

he can claim JSA for 6 months (it’s £90 pw approx). Correct no housing benefit if you have a mortgage

What is his plan to rebuild your savings (ie the family emergency fund)

I agree that he should be looking for a job

It would be a cold day in hell before I gave the lazy fucker a single penny. He needs to get a job. Do not negotiate

Each to their own.

For me sharing all money is the weird one. We’ve never done it and never will. Joint for all household stuff but separate for everything else.

Exactly.

And do these women do hardly any of the housework/carry the domestic load? And does the DH not earn enough to fund the household? Because if this were the case it certainly wouldn’t be supported on here.

You only have 5 months of savings and your mother is already subsidizing your household by doing and paying childcare. It's time for drastic action before you default on your mortgage.

Sell the home now.

Prepare to divorce. Your husband has untreated mental illness, he's now not going to therapy and that is a hill to die on. He's dragging you to financial ruin and that is going to be pretty devastating for your child. Split custody would be better than what's ahead if you stay with him.

You can't afford this lifestyle if you need subsidizing from your parent. Something could happen where the parent can't afford to pay any longer and then you're screwed.

Yes and I bet Fontelroy came up with the term Sabbatical!

My husband had some MH issues last year. He didn't want medication, which is fair enough but he did Talking Therapies and sought help via his Employee Assistance Programme. He also walked a lot, started playing badminton and socialised more.

Our GP would only sign my husband off work for a maximum of 3 months. He said that the longer my husband was off work, the harder it would be to return and in fact being out of routine doesn't help. He also checked in regularly with my husband.

Your husband is in a situation now, where he's been off work so longer, he doesn't want to return. He's isolating himself by concentrating on his hobbies and has disengaged with family life. None of this is helping any MH issues he has, and is likely making them worse not better.

My husband went back to work after 3 months on a phased return. Your husband needs to find work.

Sounds like he wants to run down your savings until you have nothing then he has financial control and you are powerless.

Perhaps say the us of your savings is 1) a loan and he will need to agree in writing to reimburse you for covering his share and 2) conditional on him seeing his gp and getting help for his depression.

If he's going to be selfish with his money he cant expect to have full and free use of yours.

Doesn’t really make any difference here whether the money is shared or not - you are going to have to use it for bills etc if he has no money. He needs to get help if he is mentally unwell. He needs to job hunt almost regardless of that, given your savings wont last forever.

As someone who has a mentally ill family member who has given away hundreds of thousands of pounds to online scammers and racked up as much in debt having seperate savings is always sensible. Hell will freeze over before I ever merge finances....... and seeing how unhelpful the banks and police have been and her poor husband who should be looking forward to retirement but is having to exist on a knifes edge I'd never marry either.

On the other hand my friend’s husband hasn’t worked since Covid and she is supporting the household on her minimum wage salary. He decided to indulge his hobbies of being a ‘businessman’ (no income from it in six years); she still does most of the household chores. They have no young children. They’ve had to downsize twice to fund it and now can’t move again as not enough equity. I think he also thinks he’s owed it as she was a SAHM but it’s broken her as she doesn’t have great health (the stress of carrying the financial as well as the domestic load).

Please don’t be her. If she’d got divorced five years ago she would have at least been able to buy a small property for her and her son outright and wouldn’t be subsidising him and trapped as not enough equity to buy them both a place now. She also can’t claim benefits as he’s an adult not working and has other assets that they can’t monetise.

I get that you don’t want to be without your son 50/50 but he may not fancy it if he’s having to do all the work of washing the child’s clothes, putting them to bed, feeding them etc. It’s great fun doing the Disney Dad stuff when he’s not working or doing the drudge work. A different story juggling everything as you know. Either way and I know it’s Hobson’s Choice but you can’t risk your financial future in order to have your child full-time.

As a PP said if professional counsellors are suggesting you split then you should probably listen as they don’t do that lightly. Most couples counsellors prefer to help you navigate staying together.

Diagnosed or undiagnosed ND is not an excuse for abusive behaviour.

You spent that time raising your baby everyday. Why is your child in nursery twice a week and also with your mum one day a week when your husband doesn’t work? He isn’t applying for enough suitable jobs if he’s been off for 6 months.

@Bickytoria20 Wow your savings her his and your income is is .
His money and savings however are his own .
I actually think you have a cock lodger .
Partner has a baby and next minute he is depressed and won’t job hunt .
Nope he’s using the child as a reason to stay home .
If he runs out of money then what ? Will
you ask him to leave , if not he has you over a barrel ?

Read the thread

I had many thoughts reading through your posts, but this information here makes me say no! Do not share your savings. If you are planning to separate you will need that money.

I also understand why you are not separating. The idea of only seeing my daughter part-time breaks my heart. What is he like on his 2 days with her?

Also, just a point of reflection, has this ever been inverted in the relationship? For instance, when DH and I finished our masters I had a professional job and he had a 3 day a week NGO job which did not pay the bills. He was looking for something else. I paid for nice things for us until he got a job and we went 50-50 on stuff. Then we moved for a job for DH and it took me a few months to find something permanent, I did a few odd pieces so covered rent and food bills but couldn’t afford anything nice. DH never offered for us to do nice things and pay. If we did then I had to use my savings. It was really hard and I felt like a massive burden holding him back from enjoying life but now looking back on it, it feels unfair!

If he's homeless and has no job, he won't be looking after your daughter half the time.

@Naunet No - that both mothers and fathers should be working to provide for their children. True equality.

The longer he's off, the harder it is to get another job because the anxiety about work increases and employers start asking questions about employment gaps.

Software engineer employment market is tough right now. Its competitive and getting more competitive. If he doesn't get back in soon, he'll be very exposed when AI cuts come and beleive me they are coming.

DH is a senior engineer and he said yesterday their new AI tool was now doing a significant amount of his job and one of his offices looks up for the chop. This is a change from even a few months ago.

He's in denial and he will burn down your savings and then have another excuse...

...you need to be aware of when its going to be better for you to cut your loses financially and boot him. You are likely to be better off without him.

He's an absolute child if that's the case since you were caring for a baby full time and he is not. Which I'm sure you don't need me to tell you but you need to be straight with him about this. He's been pissing about on a personal project while someone else has been watching your child. It's not remotely the same.

@Theunamedcat Even when they're at school?!!
Also, many women do still opt to put their babies/children in childcare as a SAHM. Perhaps not every day, but at least pt.

Nope. He needs to take some responsibility. He's exhausted his savings and now wants to exhaust yours - where does that leave you? Whatever the ins and outs, he needs a better plan than 'bleed saving dry'.

Did he start ‘struggling with his mental health’ while you were on maternity leave? Sounds more like jealousy at you not working as others have said. The difference being that you were actually caring for a baby full time and there was an end date. If he was working (even if only earning £200 a week) you would also get 22 hours a week of childcare free rather than your mum paying for this.