AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

He does the majority of childcare, they split, he is primary carer. Just don't.

This is not good.

Even if they were not "your savings" but were just "the other half of the family savings" it still would be wrong to spend those savings to keep DH at home any longer.

It's been months and he's not taking any positive steps towards getting himself better and back into employment. As long as he thinks he can use this money to sit at home he has no reason to move forward.

@Gemtastic I agree - I don't think it's the majority of course.
But I'd also agree with the push back you describe.

That may be true but it’s not true of the majority of Mumsnetters.

Anyway there are very few if any women I have come across on here that give up work once all the initial intensive baby care-giving has been done to be a SAHP but not carry any of the domestic load. And if they were they’d get their arse handed to them. Even SAHMs who actually do all the domestic and child rearing tend to get a lot of push back and are told to get a job.

@Gemtastic I still think there is the mindset from some that the man should "provide" solely for the family based on the fact he is male. Why? Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I am less capable of providing fiancially for my family. Treat me equally to men here - not differently.
In this case I take my hat off to the OP for going out to earn for her family. Her husband should be doing the same.

I agree with previous posters in that he needs to " get real" and start accepting he is unemployed rather than " on a sabbatical"
He needs to sign on as soon as possible to get his NI paid.
You need to insist on this and I agree with others that your savings shouldn't come into it.
Unfortunately " making arcade games" is not the software career it once was unless you are really, really good. How up to date are his coding skills?
Has he any skills that might transfer into the financial sector or network management?
Are there any tech based employment or temping agencies who might be able to match his skills to a job and maybe help him get some temping jobs that might pivot him to a new work area?
This would help him satisfy the job applications part of any dole claims.
If he can identify where his skills are lacking, he might be able to access training to improve his employability.
You really need to make it clear that doing nothing is not an option. Galvanising him into action with signing on, updating his CV, upgrading his skills and doing some temping will give structure to his days and improve his mental health.

If he’s not working he should be having your child full time during the day, no nursery, no mother and doing the majority of the housework. That’s what a stay at home parent does. I’m so sorry he isn’t doing this.

I bet you did all the childcare and housework during your ‘year off’.

When you were on ML, did you get any salary at all? Did you do all of the housework, baby care, cooking and administration? If you did, then he is being very unfair. He is watching his DD two days a week. If he thinks it's payback for your ML, he is nucking futz.

Please do not wait until you "have" to use your salary to get your freedom. He has a mindset of, "What's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine if I need/want it."

I would not tell him what your plan is at all. As for him getting maintenance, he watches your DD 2 days a week. That makes 5 days a week where she is either getting cared for outside the home or by you (weekends).

Any chance you could move your DD and you into your Mom's house until you can get on your feet and find a place for the two of you?

my stbxh did similar and yes admitted later it was because I had two lots of mat leave which he didn't get.

I would be very wary about letting this drag on. I had a friend with a husband who quit work. He did so unilaterally and once the kids were at school. He did pick ups and drop offs, but carried no mental load and did little house work or cooking. My friend earned well and did not seem overly concerned. She just got a cleaner and DH spent massive amounts of time at the gym, gaming and at the pub. At the gym he met another woman and eventually filed for divorce. At this point it really started to hurt. He argued he was the main care giver and stayed in the house. He also got spousal maintenance for the next five years to top up his lifestyle. Be wary of any relationship where the workloads and effort are so uneven and think carefully if you need to listen to your instinct and take some clear action if he will not. Do not sleep walk into what could easily become a nightmare.

It's in sickness and in health , not in sloth and in health.
you mention mental health issues- has he sought help.
What guarantees are there he will job hunt in the extension afforded by your savings, it seems to me it will just allow nothing to change.
I wouldn't spend my emergency fund in this way.

Where is his pride and self respect allowing your mother to bankroll him by paying for his ( and your ) child's childcare ?!!!

This lazy bugger needs to get out there and work, and in the meantime he needs to ' sign on ' and claim benefits as the unemployed person he is.

Bearing in mind you say he’s very attached to the house, I would use that as leverage.

Tell him you have arranged for Estate Agents to come round and value it as obviously you are going to have to sell as he cannot or will not get a job.

Whatever you do, keep your child in daycare so your husband can't claim to be the primary caregiver and you end up still supporting him.

You need a lawyer consult ASAP to get info about where you stand if you split now or down the road. What is custody going to look like? Your husband has untreated mental illness and work refusal.

He's not going back to work. You get that. You're likely to lose the house. Shit's getting real here. You only have 5 months of savings. That's not much time.

If I was in your position, I'd get the lawyer consult and get divorce papers drawn up. I'd ask my mom if I could move in with her for a time to get back on your feet. Sell the house and serve him.

She is not putting pressure on him to earn more - she is ask for him to 1. LOOK for a job and 2. Work on his mental health so he can be ready to tackle the requirements of a job when he gets one.

No adult who has family responsibilities can afford to just sit around on “coding projects” while other people (OP, OP’s mum) fund their financial responsibilities.

Don’t be disingenuous.

You can claim UC if you have a mortgage as long as you live in the house. Depends on your income.

@Bickytoria20 I would start to divorce him as soon as possible. The marriage is fundamentally unequal, unbalanced and he doesn't care enough to keep it all on track.

You don't really need to know any more than that.

When I met DH he was on medical leave following a breakdown related to the harrowing nature of his job. I got a gut feeling about him and his morals though and I was right. As soon as he could go back to work, he did. We got married soon after meeting but he kept on grafting. If he had not accepted treatment and kept himself on a path to wellness or relied on me to fund him, I would have divorced him. Women do too much for useless me. Nurse with a purse style relationships.

@Bickytoria20 Do not do this ! He will then be the main carer of your dd. He will get full custody in a split and keep the house and you will be paying him while getting access .
I think we know what his plan is and you need to put and end to this now .

Honestly…Tell him the house is going up for sale that you are splitting and mean it. .
It’s best you do this now while you have the help from your mum and your dd is settled . He will needs to find a job to support himself so probably won’t want 50/50 he only wants to do childcare now two days a week that’s it . That’s all he does .

You say you don’t love him and counseling isn’t working. You need to protect yourself and your dd . He is only out for himself .

Everyone’s DH is different- my work sister refused to let her ex use the savings and had to work 7 days a week. Her ex-DH went on to try and raid the children’s savings to pay for his secret cocaine and gambling habits. Thankfully the bank staff knew her kids and alerted them! They told their mum and she is 7 years divorced now.

I am sharing my story to show what MH issues can look like and how I still did my best to not further affect my family. Apologies it’s a bit long.

I had a MH crisis, our child was older. I ended up under NHS psychiatric care in a tier 4 service and was a day patient 3 days a week for almost 2 years. This followed an extremely traumatic event.

For the first 6 months I couldn’t speak more than a few words and was on an almost exclusive liquid diet. I was very mentally unwell. My hair fell out and I weighed 7 stone, they were deeply concerned for me.

After about 3 months I was cooking dinner most days though DH did everything else and he paid for a cleaner. He had an extremely stressful job, mistakes could cost lives, with a huge commute. After those 6 months I started to do more and within a year I was running the house, though I couldn’t deal with bills. DH thanked me and said me stopping work made his life easier though he wished the circumstance had never happened.

I worked really hard at my therapy and situation for the sake of my family, more than for me.

Your husband has not adjusted to fatherhood and is selfish and resentful. He is possibly mildly depressed but not enough for such a long period of time off work. My DH was supportive but did give me a bit of tough love. The issue is your husband but the further issue is women being too nice, both you and your Mum are obviously very caring, lovely women. Women are so programmed by society to be kind all the time. This is a great example of it being to women’s detriment.

I think splitting up is inevitable it’s just a question of when. Plus 5 months living expenses is not that much if you are also having to fund a divorce. They are scarily expensive a friend of mines legal fees are almost 4k already as it’s a difficult one.

I never returned to work and he is now semi retired. My workplace were brilliant and kept my job open for over a year but DH and I decided that the risk of a relapse was not worth it.

Good luck your child is so lucky having such a great Mum and Granny.

I think it’s more likely that OP has researched UC or other means tested benefits, which they won’t qualify for if she has an income. New Style ESA isn’t means tested beyond any personal pension income and can be claimed for six months. If he’s only been out of work five months he should have had enough contributions over the last two years to qualify.

If he is depressed then he needs to do something about it. He needs to go to the GP and therapy in order to work on his own MH.

To me it sounds like he is resentful of your maternity leave. He thinks you were sitting on your arsenal eating biscuits all day while he worked. No consideration that you grew and birthed a human. Then looked after a baby for a year. He thinks you had time off and he wants the same.

I wouldn't let him dip your savings. Your going to need them when you leave him.

You need to decide if this marriage can work. You can't meet the bills on one wage, using savings isn't a real solution. So you downsize, he makes a claim for benefits (which he should have done rather than read/take advice) or he gets any work. You could get an estate agent in to value the house and shock him. If you think that the marriage is ending then you withdraw cash, pay the nursery fees out if the savings and your Mum gives you cash instead. She might be more agreeable if she knows you are doing something about the situation.

Absolutely this but also sensible to have own savings because of care costs and maxing tax benefits

We have joint and own