AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

Someone already said something about benefits and you didn't think you were eligible but when I was made redundant in March 2020 at the start of Covid, I got straight down to the Job Centre and claimed contribution-based JSA. It was really quick and easy to do and starts from day 1, partner's income doesn't come into play, non means-tested (based on previous NI contributions). I would've done anything with a mortgage and 3 year old twins but luckily, I was hard on the job hunt and was back in employment by early June. I think you get it for 6 months as a safety net from memory; it wasn't masses but helped cover bills (£300-400/month)?

Non-contributions based JSA however is means tested and would be harder to get (and is perhaps what you were thinking you weren't eligible for).

Also, jump on a benefit's calculator as you can usually get other help like working tax credits, help towards mortgage interest payments, nursery etc. - not sure which JSA these extras are against though. Failing that, write a prompt in ChatGPT to see what you're entitled to.

Caveat here is that this was 6 years ago so it might be UC or something else now but you're definitely eligible for financial support - not that this helps with your husband but he can at least be proactive and see what help he can get the household!

Could I ask whether married couples often have separate savings and accounts etc? I know there is no right or wrong and that different things work for different people. We have always had one pot of cash between us and everything is joint - no separate savings or accounts it's all joint. I wondered whether this is more or less common than an arrangement where things are divvied up as they go along?

He should be claiming ESA though if he is still ill. I dont see how he can work on a project and do child care and claim he is ill. He's pulling a fast one and needs to get back to work. Challenge him on the above and also what steps he is taking to address what is mentally problematic for him. I suspect nothing so that shows you how seriously he is taking recovery and rehabilitation on his 'sabbatical'.

Sorry to hear this. I would ask Mum to stop paying childcare and use own savings to pay childcare. And tell him your mum quite rightly does not have to pay for childcare when he chooses to have a hobby and no job, Then ask mum to pay that amount into an account he has no access to. Or know about. That way you have a running away style fund, and the savings he wants to deplete will go quicker and you will see what he does then knowing he can’t have another 5 months of being looked after.

i would also do nothing for him in the house. Not put his clothes away, not cook for him or any life admin that benefits only him,

You and your Mum need to wake up and smell the coffee. You are both financially supporting a man to doss around all day, doing exactly what he likes while treading on eggshells around his depression.

Keep your savings, and move out. Give him a deadline in which to become a functioning adult with a dependant child, and he will either work his arse off to keep you or he'll carry on doing exactly as he pleases....

I too am worried if you separate you are going to be hit with spousal maintenance as well as CS being the higher earner in the family with additional resources ( your mum financing child care).

Basically you’ve either got to reduce your earnings/ring fence the savings and Mum stops financially supporting the child’s care costs.

I too would be speaking frankly about listing the house for sale. If he gives any sort of shit it will buck along his ideas.

is he not able to approach employment agencies even to get contract roles?

(my cousin is in the same position with her parents subsidizing lifestyle options and they’ve already consulted a solicitor).

Why isn't he watching your daughter full time?

No, because the majority of women staying at home do all the housework and childcare!

Tell him to apply for job seekers allowance & keep your money in your bank he’s a married man with responsibility’s not 16 without a care in the world he needs a lake up call

Do another check using a benefits calculator such as turn2us.

Watch he's not just using u and ur money to make life easier for him. I wouldn't be happy either and don't listen to people who are shocked u aren't pooling money into 'one pot '. Many reasons people don't do this and all of them valid. My husband and I don't. We Iove and trust each other but if we both work why not have control of Ur own money. Why should I have to ask DH to buy something with money I have earned. Doesn't make sense.
He sounds like he's leeching off u to me. U right to be wary.

A friend of mine has a husband in sales who has a 9 months on, 9 months off work pattern, loses jobs, writes about his feelings, and then takes a very long time to start looking and get a new job. Her threat to him every time is once the money runs out, the child will have to come out of nursery and he will be the full time carer. Miraculously, he then gets a job.

Loosing your home, your savings and possibly sanity won’t also break you too?

I wouldn’t worry about only seeing her half the time as it doesn’t sound like your partner is motivated enough to push for more.

No, it's not just your life now. I'm not normally for the blame game but honestly the man your with is treating you like a doormat and your saying wipe your feet harder. Why the fuck are you putting up with this treatment, you're worth more than this, You and your kids deserve better. You're burning yourself out, you'll end up with no connection to your kids and a husband that will leave you when your ill.

He'd be an EOW dad at best, the man cant even look after his child for more than 2 days and he has you and his MIL funding her childcare. Your mum looks after her half as much as he does! Honestly he sounds like he's using depression as an excuse. He's basically living the single life, he does minimal childcare, no housework/diy/admin and now he's expecting you to fully fund everything. Why are you accepting this for you and your child?

And are happy to be supported by them and in this case - his MiL too.

What an absolute loser

Welcome to my party! 4 years and counting here. No chance of him using his savings or me not using mine though. We had to downsize our lives and I took a horrific but high paying job that means I barely see the kids.
We saw an IFA to maybe see what he needs to start earning to fund retirement but unfortunately she just did the maths on the projections from my job and it does cover us both, so there's no real financial need. I actually want him to work because for me his whole identity was tied to our work and our joint interest in software development.

He applied for one job at Palantir and didn't get an interview, so he says he's tried and there's no market for him. That's it. One application in 4 years.

Now he says he can't get a job because he can't fit it around the kids activities that I pay for ...he also says he's depressed, but he has plenty of time and energy for all his hobbies.

Guess it's just our life now.

The ick I would have would be insurmountable. My savings would be a fuck off fund so fast.

So he hasn't got a job, he isnt looking for a job. He cares for his child 2 days per week, he doesn't pay for child care. He doesn't do the majority of the housework and cooking. So he basically has 5 days a week to do whatever he chooses. Are you crazy.

"Many"

Of course, because we're not in a cost of living crisis, so many families can afford to have one parent at home AND use childcare.

My partner didn't have a job for two years, didn't lift a finger, did pay his share using savings, until they ran out. Then he suggested I use my savings to pay his share and I said no. He could have got a job but wouldn't even consider any job that was beneath him (in his mind). I was prepared to leave (with my savings intact) but when I said no he got a job. We are still together but I feel very differently about him. He was happy to watch me go out to work every day, do nothing in the house and let me carry the burden whilst he tarted about. I saw/see it as lack of respect and frankly taking the piss.

No - do NOT make him the sahp. He will do nothing, the child will be neglected, he will be offended at all suggestions (child should be up, dressed, fed daily), and when you're run absolutely ragged picking up his slack, and you decide to divorce, you'll end up paying him child support and he will have custody, unless you insist on 50-50 which will interfere with your career.

Get legal advise wrt divorce and sale of the house.

Put the child in a nursery or find a childminder ASAP.

Once she is settled, put the house on the market, and accept any offer that is within £10K of the asking price. Once you've sold, find a flat for yourself and DD and tell him the divorce papers are on their way.

Get the house valued, get legal advice and get rid.

They usually do that while doing all the children for one or more children. This man is only doing 2 days a week and has 5 days a week off.

@Bickytoria20 you're in a very precarious position. He might be planning this all along.

You're best bet is cajole him into getting a job, maybe use the very real threat of losing the house if you cannot keep up mortgage payments. Do not let him become a SAHD whatever happens.