AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

This.
Even if he won't discuss the future or what will happen when the money runs out. You can't let his refusal to engage stop you from acting.

Presumably the mortgage is in shared names, so it is your credit score at risk if you default on the mortgage.
Get that house on the market ASAP, because it may take more than five months to complete and get the funds, meanwhile you have to pay the mortgage.

If he miraculously gets a job, you can take it off the market - though personally I think this marriage is dead (from what you have written) so you would only be delaying the inevitable.

@Switcher I do agree that society often agrees with it the other way around (although as a feminist I strongly don't), but as you say - that requires both parties to agree on it.
When one party hasn't or doesn't then of course it is going to be an issue.

put the house on the market immediately as suggested by someone already, this will focus his mind very quickly re lack of money / job as he will need to realise the mortgage is unaffordable with him lazing around and not working

and it enables you to start planning a separation...

So you use your savings until they run out then what?? When with my EH we pooled money for all house/kid stuff then kept any left over. I saved he spent that was his choice. He was off 6 months with "stress" which miraculously ended when his full sick pay was ending. Things got bad aftet that and we divorced and Im glad I had money to help me move on. Do not use your savings because he will mot use that tome to look for work if he hasn't done so already. You need a good talk, plan about getting out of the rut he is in and his plan to getting back to supporting the family as you are.

Ah yes, sorry, plan for it, that is what you said.

Making the plan is a good way, as you say to remove the fear of the unknown, and to gain a sense of empowerment, also, normally, to help focus the priorities.

It doesn’t sound like the couples therapy is going very well though, nor did his individual therapy (which I’m surprised he was allowed to do at the same time, ethically it is advised against). He could try for NHS therapy, ideally he should have got on the wait list and had private while waiting, as the NHS waits are long.

I’m a psychological therapist, although granted not trained in couples work. I’ll be honest, part of me wonders if this was the therapist’s covert way of suggesting you get your ducks in a row. But they obviously can’t say that in the session.

Ultimately, people stay in a relationship if they don’t see they would be better off either with someone else or on their own…. 🤷‍♀️

Tough either way.

Good luck!

No I'm saying society finds it acceptable, so there's nothing actually wrong with being a single income household, just because the roles are reversed. It's that I never agreed to us being a single income household - and now I'm not entirely sure how he even gets a job given the market, after this long out of it.

I agree with this .. everyone should have savings that belong to themselves especially women keep that independence you will grow to resent your husband if he doesn't make moves now to deal with his mental health he is probably feeling this way due to not going to work.
I think he sounds like he wants to be a house husband and be with your child rather than go to work.

8 months is a long time to have off work and it gets harder to get back into work the longer it goes on. Work is good for your mental health, self esteem, relationships etc. could you negotiate a compromise, set some boundaries, eg you could provide one month’s financial back up if he makes and follows a realistic plan for job hunting, mental health and household tasks?

@Bickytoria20 i can’t see that anyone has suggested this… ask your mum to stop paying for childcare and use your savings for that. Instead ask your mum to save the money she would have given you but in her name.
This would do 2 things

1. force the issue to a resolution faster because your savings would run out
2. ring-fence post-separation funds for you (if it comes to that) that your husband would have no legal right to access

I think you have seen that the general consensus is you don't use your savings and that he needs to search for a job.

You have until the end of April before he runs out of savings. I wondering it would be helpful to now start formulating a bit of a plan about what you would like to happen. Start with things that can be said and done in the next few weeks and in the next 3 or 4 months.

This might be a reach and I’m probably projecting but is your H significantly older than you? And/or did he have a significantly more senior/better paid job?

It sounds like you struggle to discuss difficult topics with him, which was very much my situation.
With the perspective of hindsight I can see there was a large power imbalance in my relationship and anything and everything was always on his terms. Any topic (whether it would be decorating the house, holidays or something important like finances and savings) would always be raised by me, I’d do all the background research, all the leg work and then he would say yes or no to whatever proposal it was.

Does this ring true?

@Bickytoria20

I’ve read all your updates.

DO NOT use your savings to enable his disengagement with family life and denial of taking responsibility for his role and his depression.

Nothing changes unless something changes. He sounds innately self focused and selfish.

Your mum is not wrong, but I get your logic.

If his time off work was actually like your mat leave, I can guarantee he’d be back working already!!

I wonder how well the DIY would have gone if it wasn’t solely for him…

Even your therapist suggested you separate - that would not have been done lightly. I understand your concerns if you were to.

You are going to need your saving to get yourself and child set up. Sooner rather than later!

He needs a wake up call.

OP he needs to be claiming job seekers! He could have been claiming all this time if he was a fixed term employee.

I hear you about the divorce and split parenting thing. Also if you divorce him he gets half your savings!!
At the end of the day, you are going to have to use your savings if it gets to the end of the 5 months and he must realise that. Its like giving you an ultimatum.

Tell him he needs to sign up for job seekers and you want to see he is actually spending his non childcare time job searching. Software engineer jobs are quite common and he could be earning plenty.

You need to put your foot down here OP. Tell him that if you have to use your savings it will be a loan to him that he can gradually pay back from his paycheck (maybe not month for month).
Me and my husband save separately. We split tbe bills as per our earnings % wise, then we both put an equal amount into a joint savings then the rest is for us to do whatever.

If you get him to the jobseekers then he gets sanctioned/money stopped if he doesnt actually job search so might give him a kick up the arse - id be putting ALL his JSA towards the bills.

As you are choosing it to be.

Why?

@Switcher Do you mean you think it's acceptable for a man to work and a woman not to, but not the other way around?

I got stuck at "he hates the idea of sharing money" but he is more than happy to use your savings to fund his chilling time? How does that work then?!

I’d be leaving. It sounds like you are more than capable and would cope well, especially with support from your mum.

You don’t love him, he sounds like he’s happy to leech off you and not contribute. That isn’t a partner, mental health or not.

Well I guess if the roles were reversed, it would just be normal life for most people. That's the traditional family model. I just don't like it. He's very dedicated to me and does everything I ask other than get a job. The bigger issue really is that I've lost respect for him as a result. So it's much more likely I will leave.

The hobby needs relegating to weekends and evenings (within reason - no opting out of family life). Monday - Friday, 9-5 he needs to be updating his CV/applying for jobs/cleaning house etc.

Is the medication not working? Time for an increased dose or change of meds.

Therapy isn't working? Time to quit or get a different therapist.

You need to have a firm line on every get out of jail free card he tries to play. Make his life uncomfortable until it's easier just to apply for stuff to get you off his back.

He cant have it both ways, whats mine is mine and whats yours is ours is massively unfair

This! In spade loads. Repay her with your savings and ask her to keep the money safe incase u need it in the future. U r so blessed to still have a mum and someone totally trustworthy in your life.
The way he is after Ur money, while he lives the life of riley, is a red flag. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

A word of warning—your situation sounds a lot like mine a few years ago.

My partner lost his job just after I returned from maternity leave. He was unemployed for 15 months, during which I went back to work early and we burned through £25k in savings, He did have a job related insurance but this covered only a percentage of his income. He had 3 job interviews over the 15 month period, did no housework, and would often also say he needed to job hunt over the weekends.
Our child was in Nursery 3 days a week (with me looking after her 1 day) as he couldn’t look after a child and job hunt.

When I finally told him we risked losing the house, he blamed me for not telling him sooner - despite him having full visibility of our joint account and him using it each month to pay the Nursery. Within a month of that conversation, he got a well-paid job.

Once he was earning, he insisted on splitting every bill 50/50, even though he earned significantly more and I was still doing 1 days child care a week.
Any of his wage he didn’t/doesn’t spent each month goes into his own personal bank account. I have no idea how much he has.
At the same time, I struggled financially, and if ever I asked for help, he told me to manage better or take out a personal loan. He would make reference to any expense I had made over the last few years as reasons why I was poor at looking after money or would refer back to holidays that he had paid for 10+ years ago at the start of our relationship.

There’s much more that isn’t directly relevant here, but after speaking to Women’s Aid and going through therapy, I’ve realised the situation for what it is and am now doing everything I can to leave with my child.

Whatever you do, please do not use your savings to support someone who sees you as a free ride. From everything you have said, he could get another job if he really wanted to - but he doesn’t have to whilst he has your savings as a safety net. He is disrespecting you and putting your child's security at risk.

Please take care
Sorry for the ramble!

This.