AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

You would benefit from putting those savings beyond his reach both now and in a subsequent divorce.

Why should your mum pay for 2 days a week childcare whilst your dh indulges himself with his hobby and doesn't even pick up the bulk of the household chores ?

If you can trust your mum, let her know that divorce is a possibility, liaise with her privately and get her to document (e-mail possibly) that she will no longer be paying for the 2 days of nursery and that she would also like a contribution to her expenses for the day that she takes care of your daughter. Pay her out of your savings.

If your dh believes the savings have been spent it may spur him on to take work of some sort.

btw, don't you qualify for any free childcare hours ?

It would be extremely foolhardy to spend your savings, as well as his. That would leave you both in a precarious position. He needs to get his arse into gear, pretty sharpish and get another job. It’s ridiculous that he’s not even started looking. You need to give him an ultimatum, either he gets a job or you’re going to divorce him.

Firstly UC isn’t just for those on a mortgage, but if you rent, they will pay a proportion of that, but not mortgage. Worth entering your details on turn 2 us calculator to check, but does depend on your savings amount too.

I’d be pretty hacked off that he is still not applying for jobs and just expecting to use your savings when his run out. Sorry but he now needs to get any job so he can bring in some income. Takes the P that your mum is paying childcare whilst he sits at home, not job hunting. I’d be pretty hacked off if I was her, and i’d be embarrassed that my mum was using her income to subsidise my unmotivated DH.

He may be struggling mentally, but he has a family, and many of us have to still show up for work when struggling as we have DC to support.

I’d sit down and ask for a proper chat. Not one where people get angry and storm off, but get together all your income / outgoings and show him how little time you’re going to have until savings are depleted and you could potentially lose your home.

I’d be pretty angry and resentful to he honest, and would struggle to come back from this. The fact you’re working full time and come home to do the cooking whilst he does very little takes the absolute P. He should be taking over all the housework those 3 days when your child is in childcare, not paid for by him. I’d be furious if I was your mum, and hell would freeze over before my mum paid for nursery whilst my DH sat at home doing nothing. I’d feel ashamed she was using her savings / income to subsidise you when he’s refusing to start working. He needs to know how you feel about it. Chat GPT is useful for helping you prepare for structuring the conversation.

My psychiatrist (when I had one a few years ago) said that the longer you have off work the less likely you are to ever go back. Obviously one should not rush back if you have an acute MH crisis but he said for most people going back is actually part of the cure.

So sorry for you OP.
That is some lazy arsehole you had a baby with.
Tell your mother the truth.
I think the house needs to be sold.
You need to seperate.
Lazy arseholes get tired of childcare quickly.
You need to protect yourself and your daughter.
He will drain your savings and still be an arsehole.
I think you need to contact the bank and request a payment holiday while you sell the house.
Do not use your savings.
That is financial abuse.
He will bleed you dry and you will not see any of it back.
Tell your mother the truth.

If he's not in work and can only be bothered to look after her two days a week, this is not a man who will ever want 50:50.
I agree with pp that you need to put the house on the market now, because in 5 months time you aren't going to be able to pay the mortgage.
And I'd make it abundantly clear that HE is jeopardising your child's home and security.
If you don't do something soon, he will be claiming his 'mental health' means you need to keep him for life. Don't let him do that to you.
I'd be discussing divorce because this is no longer a partnership. He has abdicated his responsibilities and is taking you for a fool.

Sorry OP, but it's ultimatum time.

Same, and to be brutally honest I can’t believe you are letting your poor mum pay your childcare fees. I wouldn’t be able to let myself let my mum do that, to effectively subsidise his choices. And yes they are choices, I’m not even convinced this man is clinically depressed.

You need to stop calling it a sabbatical. It’s not and never was. You need to refer to his gaming as a hobby as that is what it is. You need to immediately stop letting your mum pay childcare fees and you need to give this lazy man an ultimatum. Find a job or we split up.

Seems like he just wants to finish your savings
Like he doesn't want you to have any savings, is he trying to trap you or something so that it's hard for you to ever leave if needed?

I can’t get over the fact that your mum is paying for him to not look after his own child 2 days a week and providing childcare herself on day 3 - while he builds a video game. Has your DH no shame?

I would be furious regarding his general work ethic & would be giving him a timescale ultimatum to start applying for a job. He could even advertise himself as a freelance consultant in his own particular field.

As far as separate finances within marriage, I can't comment. We have always had a one pot attitude where earnings & savings are concerned, regardless of who earns more. It works for us.

Our therapist has encouraged us to make a plan to separate but so far we have not

This is really concerning. Do you feel like talking about this?

Job seekers allowance is different to UC.

Also, your friend is incorrect. If you ever become single do some research on what you’ll be eligible for. It can help cover the interest of your mortgage and top-up your wages to cover living expenses.

But for now, check out the job-seekers al for your DH.

@Bickytoria20 Oh he was. Financially it has been incredibly challenging and I'd like to say it's better over a decade on but...we're still in privately rented. Meanwhile, he has a house worth almost 1 million and complete with hot tub and swimming pool. It really is absolutely disgusting. The courts were a shitshow.
But I am immeasurably happier than I ever was married to him. I love my job, and I love my husband and my kids. I love going on little holidays whereas before I used to dread them.
Money can't buy happiness, that's for certain.
But... now I am free and actually, bloody powerful! 💪

Apart from anything else, being off work for a prolonged time is highly unlikely to be good for his depression.

But you don't love him, OP, and he doesn't really care about you or DD, so start planning your exit.

If his mental health is that bad he should claim universal credit unfit to work, or go on anti depressants. It's not fair to do nothing and rely on your savings.

What is this nonsense I have just read, yes some families have a discussion and agree that one parent ( usually the mum to be fair) stays home to look after the child(ren) but they also do the majority of the housework, admin, DIY and save on child care costs. Your DH stays at home, spinning out some BS hobby to make himself seem busy, he looks after his child for only 2 days a week and does nothing else in the house.
He’s already sponging off your mum for 2 days a week childcare costs plus she looks after your wee one 1 day a week, then let me guess you do the majority of the care on the weekends or whenever you are home, because he is so tired?
He is already sucking your mum’s savings dry ( who’s probably doing it to help you out not to indulge him) don’t you feel guilty about this at all? Now he wants your savings as well to fund him for an extra amount of months pissing about. Me and my DH share all our finances but I’m glad that you don’t, use your money to separate from this useless waste of space your mum would probably be delighted to help you. No way would he go for 50/50 he can’t even do 50/50 now with you living in the same house.
Don’t wait til all your money is gone and he is still refusing to get a job and then you are stuck with no funds to get away.

Agree, plus it would make him more likely to claim he's the primary carer and get more custody, then OP would end up having to pay him maintenance.