AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

Sorry but his reasons for his mental health decline I find incredible. I lost my husband and had two young children I still had to get up and work. But i suppose that’s the difference i didn’t have anyone to rely and he thinks he does.

This is a monumental piss take.
Like absolutely epic.

Amazed he is depressed given he has fuckall responsibility and is doing whatever the fuck he likes with no thought to you....

You are in such a sticky situation.
If you make him actually look after your child he can claim he is primary carer.. I also agree he will also earn f-all while you divorce then get back on it after.

My (also unprofessional) opinion is you need to fight fire with fire and dont blink first.

I'd also agree with @Canitgetbetter
Say the house needs to go on the market you cannot afford this lifestyle.

I'd announce you are now "depressed" (because of him) so cant wash his clothes / cook for him etc.

Once he is back in stable work id be pursuing divorce.

Nope you should have separate savings too. What if he drains the joint savings and disappears?

He probably doesn’t see it that way, and the reason is that they don’t have shared goals.

With my husband, we share everything. It doesn’t matter who earns more or works more—we have shared savings and the same dreams. That’s why if either of us lost our job, we’d be very motivated to find another one. We both want to contribute to our family’s future, and we don’t keep score over who contributes more.

I think they’re both in the wrong here. OP’s husband is probably testing her right now—she’s sitting on a pile of money, and he’s seeing how far he can push this behavior.

What would actually help is honest communication and a reset of financial expectations, not trying to “level” him or hide money like some people are suggesting here.

So he’s not comfortable sharing his money but he’s quite comfortable taking yours? What a joke. Tell him to get a job.

So his money is his but he thinks your money should be joint money?
🤨

I'd say, I'm happy to access our savings if you apply for three jobs a week, where you research the company properly and tailor your CV to the job spec. Because that really is work. It can take a day or more to prep a good job application. And if on the other two days he is caring for Dc or doing those promised DIY jobs. But don't run down your savings to let him wallow in a pattern of inertia. Something needs to rouse him from it.

He needs a rocket up his arse, full riot act. He’s taking the piss out of you royally. He either gets a job or he moves out. Why are you allowing passengers on your train? Not doing extra housework or life admin is an absolute joke.
I had a moment last week where I thought for about half an hour, my job MAY be in peril, I had a crisis talk with my husband, connected with a load of recruiters on LinkedIn etc. it was all fine, but to say I was motivated is an understatement, we’re not hard up and I have savings, but I’m not a parasite so…

I disagree. If an OP came on here saying that she was on a sabbatical for her mental health, that she looked after her child for two days a week, that her husband worked full time and her MIL looked after the child for one day a week while also paying the fees for two days a week in nursery, that OP did no housework and was doing her hobby and not job hunting, she would have her arse handed to her.

Are your savings in a fixed term no access account? Because you could move them if not….

The fact that you’re using “I,” “mine,” and “his” instead of “we” already says everything. You don’t sound like a married couple—you sound like roommates.

I’m not sure why you expect communication or mutual respect to work when you clearly don’t see yourselves as a team. Situations like this require compromise and effort from both sides, not just pointing fingers.

If he wants to stay home or is feeling depressed, have you even tried to look at it from his perspective? What if the roles were reversed? I don't think the comments here would be the same.

Honestly, the lack of support and respect between you two makes it unsurprising that he doesn’t listen. You’re not acting like partners—you’re acting like two people living separate lives.

I'd be very careful about you being the one to leave the home. If he's not working, how would he afford the mortgage? If it needed to be sold anyway, then why should he be the one to stay in it temporarily rather than you?
He could also make it very difficult to sell, by not engaging with the process etc. including making it look very unattractive and uncared for in terms if he doesn't do any housework.
He's being incredibly selfish and I don't think I really buy the ongoing MH- it sounds more like laziness. I'm sorry to say this, but I think it's going to end in divorce further down the line- probably when you have debts due to him still not working.
I think you're trying to be too reasonable and may be in denial about separation being the likely outcome. In your shoes, I'd be planning (however reluctantly) for a divorce sooner rather than later.
Also, I'd ensure that the money your mother is currently providing becomes a loan rather than an ongoing gift, so is repayable by both of you in the event of separation and house sale etc. She can then gift it to you if she wants post divorce.

Talk to your mum. I’ll bet she’s delighted to be funding his lazy arse. Sabbatical my foot.
He clearly has no intention of ever being a responsible husband and father, he has been fannying about at his hobby while you have been working. All he can manage is two days a week child care an occasional wash load and occasionally washing up.
He may say he wants 50/50 after a divorce but he doesn’t do anything like that now so won’t do it when he has to.

I couldn’t stay in this relationship as it currently is. He needs to find any full time job and see a therapist at the same time. He’s using you. Do not touch your savings.

If you pool all your savings together, how do you utilise your ISA allowances?

@Kettless idea of repaying your mum is perfect. if she happens to gift it to you when you are a single mum so much the better

Then separate. A therapist has told you to make a plan to do this. Why wait? The longer you wait the worse your financial position will be. He clearly has no intention of looking for work. Don’t spend your limited time and energy begging him to find something. Just end it.

Otherwise you’re just putting off the inevitable. And if he doesn’t look after DD properly now he won’t be interested in 50-50 if you split.

He needs to start seriously job hunting immediately. Like you say, you do have some savings, but they won’t last more than 5 months. He may be lucky and get a job immediately, but it could take months. Unfortunately he doesn’t have the luxury of waiting. I understand he’s facing challenges, but he’s not helping himself or you by.putting it off.

I would be repaying everything from your mum so that money is beyond his reach.
He intends to bleed you dry.
You will be left to provide and house this baby, not him.
Tell your mother the truth.
Get planning.
Can you move to your mum's for a while?

Its strange how this all started while you were on maternity leave and he was upset about not having the time with his daughter - you’d think he’d want more time with her than two days if that’s the case. And being upset about being the breadwinner? Except you were in maternity leave! Sounds more like he resented he still had to go to work and saw you as having ‘time off’. Well, he’s managed to reverse your roles and force you into the breadwinner role - except of course he’s not doing anywhere near as much childcare and house chores as you were at the time or as much housework as you are now.

Some men get super resentful when they have to step up as a father and take on that responsibility - so they just…don’t. I don’t see him as being a responsible father at all, he’s not even doing his share to ease the load and share it fairly nor has he lifted a finger to make improvements to the house that benefit the entire family, only himself.

He’s forcing you into mummying him as well as your daughter by lazing about like a teen and then demanding mum pays for extra time off - again lots of men do this when they actually have to sacrifice something and work hard for a family. The early years are tough and he’s copping out and forcing you to carry the load for everyone. Deeply selfish.

So he doesn’t look for work and your mum funds your child’s nursery costs? 🤯
Nah, he needs to gather up his self-respect and man up.

Could you call his bluff and explain that because of the stress that you are under due to his not working, you are thinking about reducing your own hours at work to be able to cope? See how he responds? Bit risky though, requires some poker face.

Tell him there are no savings as your mum has asked for all her money back so you have repaid the loan for the childcare. Transfer her the money.

He is avoiding everything - if you are already in couples therapy, and it's been suggested you make plans to separate, have you both agreed it's over? Maybe he is on ' sabbatical ' to aid his position in divorce. Perhaps Dump the therapy, cite no money, tell your dm whats going on and maybe see someone on your own?

Can you go and live with your dm, with your dd, ft nursery paid by your dm, you pay her back?

I can't quite believe he buggers about with his hobby, doesn't do housework, let's your dm fund his lounging about, and you. I am annoyed on your behalf. It's a difficult situation, your dh is supposed to be on your side, working as a team.

Yes job seekers is different to UC in terms of eligibility.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this

Apart from everything else, savings are meant to be there for actual emergencies. Having none left between you is extremely risky, and he is being absolutely reckless with all your lives. You have a child now for goodness sake.

Honestly, why not go and see a divorce lawyer and see what they advise you? Gather more information so you can at least make an informed choice.

My unprofessional suggestion:
You said he is emotionally invested in the house, so what if you call his bluff and make absolutely 100% clear that if he doesn't get a job - any job - soon, you would rather default on the mortgage than continue this way. He might get his arse into gear. Or not. But if he's really adamant to not get a job, you'll find yourself in the same situation of defaulting when your money runs out, just less your savings. Which you will need.

So while this strategy might seem risky, it's not much riskier than just waiting to see how things pan out if you cough up your savings. Maybe seeing a red letter warning will scare him - so why not do this sooner rather than later? Most people will only push you as far as they can get away with.

I'd also start booking Estate Agents to come and list the place. Book one to come when you're both in, book another when it's just him at home - disturb his coding day. Start getting the house sale ready. Wake up calls.

If he starts the job hunting process but can't secure a job in 6 weeks, ask your lender for a mortgage break to give him more time. But don't touch your savings. Let him blink first.

The therapy hasn't helped. You're keeping things together, but actually you're going to need to step up decisively at some point or things could go completely to shit.... Alternatively, he will slowly but surely suck the life out of you as countless men have done to countless women. He will exit middle age in good shape, you will not.

You don't have to be hostile, but I think you can say he's forced you into the position of being the only adult in the household so this is the way it going to have to be. He's making you his parents - his mother (nurturer) and father (provider). He is being neither. But parents don't just nurture and provide, they make the tough decisions. Don't dictate what kind of job he has to get, just the minimum amount that he needs to earn to make sure bills are covered. Keep reminding him that downsizing is another option. Basically treat him like a child, because that is the state he has entered - give him choices within parameters.

Even if he has a history of depression it sounds like becoming a dad - and you being on mat leave and him having to step up financially for a limited period - has triggered something in him. It would be good if you can still muster any kindness towards him (but wouldn't blame you if you can't) but be absolutely firm and consistent in what you are and are not prepared to do.

If the SAHD idea comes up I think you can bat that away with his ridiculous domestic efforts to date, so tell him he's not qualified for that job and you won't hire him. He'd only be suggesting it as a way to stay off work, not because he wants to care for his child.

Really sorry OP - what a let down.

You have to mention this to him, just to clarify, he has not been in a sabbatical, he is unemployed. You do not have enough savings for him not to work. It’s stressing me out just reading this. 5 months isn’t enough time to sell your house. He needs to get a job at a supermarket or bar until he finds full time work. If he doesn’t have interviews lined up in the next 3 weeks then you divorce him.

in the meantime, you give him the riot act and he has to cook every night until he’s back in full time employment.i cannot believe he’s doin* virtually nothing. He sometimes does the dishes, he throws washing in the machine and looks after your daughter twice a week. Utter laziness. Stop enabling this.Yu and your DD deserve more.

Do it ASAP as eligibility for New Style JSA/ESA is based on his NI contributions over the 2 full tax years before the year you’re claiming in. and if he applies after the end of the month then we'll be into a new tax year. Given how much time he's taken off in this financial year he may not have enough contributions to claim if it's based on this year and last year, although if he was self-employed it might not be the right kind of NI contributions, but I'm never too sure of the difference. New Style JSA/ESA only lasts for 6 months, and it's not a huge amount of money, but it'll give you a little more breathing space until he sorts himself out
https://www.entitledto.co.uk can help you check out what your position is likely to be as you can plug in the exact circumstances you have.