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Original poster

AIBU not to go to brother-in-law’s 40th holiday because of kids and my own reservations?

143 replies

Cary88 · 16/03/2026 21:28

AIBU to not go to my brother in laws 40th birthday holiday party in South America, because I don’t want any to leave my two young children?

Very generously we have been invited to his birthday holiday in a few months, 5-7 day trip pretty much all paid except flights, to celebrate my brother in laws 40th.
My DH thinks it’s crazy / unreasonable if I don’t go, because it’s his brother and they are very close, it’s a generous holiday and they always make an effort to visit us (they are based in South America)
However I have an niggling feeling that I shouldn’t go because of these reasons:

  • I feel stressed at the thought of leaving my babies. My son will be turning 3 whilst we would be away and my baby girl will be 18 months. I am also worried they will feel stressed with us gone for 5-7 days.
  • I will miss my son’s 3rd birthday !! (DH says he won’t realise / can celebrate a week before)
  • I am anxious of getting flights so far away, what if something happens to them or us
  • South America can be unstable with high crime rates, I know something happening is unlikely but it’s still in my mind
I know my DH, my brother and sister in law will all be offended if I don’t go, am I being unreasonable? any suggestions of how to tackle these conversations?!
OP posts:
Original poster
Cary88 · 16/03/2026 21:47

Thank you all so much for replying so quickly and reassuring me. I think even writing it all down made me know I can’t go, I want my children to always know they were my priority and I know I would miss them too much and feel anxious about being far from them. (they would be with GPs, but my DS has only ever stayed 1 night at a time and my DD has not had a night away from me yet).
I don’t mind DH going by himself, I just also feel bad he will be alone and disappointed to do the trip without me.

oh and they said kids aren’t invited! To be fair their ow kids aren’t invited either. So it wasn’t an option bringing the babies.

OP posts:
hahabahbag · 16/03/2026 21:47

Can the children not come? The baby will be near enough free on the plane. Make it into a 2 week holiday

JustAnotherWhinger · 16/03/2026 21:46

I’m very relaxed about going away, and my kids going away without me, but I wouldn’t go that far from them at those ages.

BlueMum16 · 16/03/2026 21:44

Except for it being DC birthday I would find a way to go. It's a couple of days.

5 nts max, DH may be staying longer, all assuming you have GP to have the DC who are used to sleep overs etc.

The birthday just make me hesitate but DH is correct that DC wouldn't know.

MyJollyMentor · 16/03/2026 21:43

Can you bring your children?

UANBU. I wouldn't go either.

Arewethebadguys · 16/03/2026 21:42

Mike are 6 and 4. No chance! Stand your ground

olympicsrock · 16/03/2026 21:40

I wouldn’t go. I did go on a trip for a week when DS are a toddler but I needed a break and missed him lots . I also used to work away mid week.

Now that DSs are older , I miss them when they go for a sleepover. No way I would feel comfortable with what is proposed .

just say no thank you! Let DH go alone.

vincettenoir · 16/03/2026 21:38

Your reservations are understandable. I would be reluctant to leave an 18 month old. If they regularly sleepover at GPs then maybe they could handle a longer stay away from you but if not, then I agree it would be extremely stressful for them.

If you’re happy for your DH to go without you then I don’t see there’s much of a problem. If anyone is offended they are putting their own needs over at 18 month olds they need to get over themselves.

thinkofsomethingdifferent · 16/03/2026 21:37

Absolutely not. My anxiety was through the roof when I left mine for the first time - and they were 16 and 13! And I was in Spain so a quick flight compared to hours and hours for SA. I’ve also not missed a single birthday either, nor can I imagine I’d ever choose to.

TalulahJP · 16/03/2026 21:36

dh can go. problem solved.
id want to enjoy my child’s birthday. it’ll probably be the first one he can understand.

Easterbunnyishotandcross · 16/03/2026 21:36

As an adult you can make your own decisions.. If that's to stay home then that's what you do...as dh can decide to go alone.

Randomchat · 16/03/2026 21:34

I'd send dh on his own

Itsafactitsactual · 16/03/2026 21:34

No I wouldn't leave my kids for that.

ForPinkDuck · 16/03/2026 21:34

Are you happy for your partner to go on his own?

PeatandDieselfan · 16/03/2026 21:32

That's really far to travel for 5-7 days!!

IfWhippetsRuledTheWorld · 16/03/2026 21:31

I wouldn't have even considered leaving my DC at that age, but it depends on your circumstances and what you're comfortable with. Who would they stay with and. If you've left them before etc .

britneyisfreebutnotokay · 16/03/2026 21:31

I wouldn’t miss my child’s birthday under 19 full stop.

Teenthree · 16/03/2026 21:31

Well it’s not all expenses paid cos the flights are colossal and they’re expecting you to leave your tiny children AND sort out care for them. So no. Strong no.

“gosh we would LOVE to be there but it’s impossible with the children being so small. Hope you have a brilliant time, do take lots of photos and we will hopefully see you again soon.” Or similar.