AIBU not to go to brother-in-law’s 40th holiday because of kids and my own reservations?

I was in a similar position OP when mine were similar ages. My sister was getting married in America . I just couldn't leave them, she was pretty furious. The hotel everyone stayed in caught fire in a bad way and they all had to be evacuated it was on the news. I can't imagine my DH at home with the little ones watching that knowing I was there. She hasn't spoken to me since and that was 20 years ago-she's since divorced. I don't regret any of it. My babies needed me more than she did.

I'd go, as long as I could be sure the DC would be comfortable and happy with GP for the week and if they're fit and healthy enough to cope with all eventualities. I'd facetime every day and have the best birthday celebration for the 3 year old when back.

It sounds as if it was clearly a "child free" invitation.

Their own children are not invited? Wow!
As pp said, they'll be offended if you miss BiL's birthday but it's OK to miss your own child's? And your DH thinks that is OK too? Sorry OP, I think you married into a family of arseholes.

Have your parents even agreed to looking after your children for this length of time? Having one small grandchild on a sleepover for one night is hard work when you're getting on a bit, having two for several days is pretty unimaginable - especially when you factor in that they will be miserable and missing their mum and won't understand why she's away so long. What are they supposed to do if your children get ill?

I wouldn’t go. Let your husband go alone

They can't be offended if your children aren't invited. Also if they're offended that you'll miss his birthday yet you'd miss the birthday of your own child which is surely more important to you. That's a big ask for someone else to look after your children, I would think most people would say no, I certainly wouldn't go. I couldn't leave my children. Glad you got lots of support on here, a shame your husband doesn't see it the same way.

DH will need to go by himself. If DC were older you could explain rationally to them what was going on., but not at 18 months and 3. There’s the bday thing too. I only started missing DC birthday because they were at uni.

I can imagine it could feel like too much for OP, depending on the particulars. If so it’s not for anyone to criticise. It does come down to the particulars .

But I wondered why she had not discussed the possibility of bringing DC.

Nope, it wouldn't be happening for me
1, I think asking grand parents to babysit 2 kids for a week is too much.
2, Too far a distance to travel home if there was an emergency with a child.
3, Not a hope in hell I'd be missing my childs birthday for a birthday party of a grown arsed man who has already had 39 of them.
4, While I love my in laws, I dont think I could manage a full week with all of them and still stay sane.

You’ve got perfectly valid reasons for not going, so that’s all that matters.

For me it would also depend on the cost of flights/affordability for me, what the nature of what BIL is paying for and childcare. It’s interesting you didn’t mention childcare in the OP, although i have seen it in the follow up. If it was some sort of once in a lifetime stay and flights were affordable, then I’d go. If it has going to make a dent in my finances for the kind of stay I could do myself in a few years with the kids, then I wouldn’t go to all the hassle.

I wouldn’t travel that distance for 5-7 days, personally. What a faff, with everything else you’ve got going on.

To be honest, @poetryandwine , it's a bit of an unknown. I regularly go to South America, but it very much depends on the location. After a long flight there may be significant additional travel, and the infrastructure can be very variable. It's going to be very costly, all in.

Surely BIL’s thought process would be “they might not be able to come because their kids are so little but let’s invite them just in case”. Then when you decline it’s accepted gracefully with complete understanding. I think some people live in another world OP!

Edit: there is every chance your DS will enjoy celebrating his 4th abroad….

Do you want to go, OP? That’s the main question. Because each of these problems is solvable, but if you don’t that’s fine. Just own it.

I assume your BIL is not in the (illicit) drugs trade? Then it should be fine. Just follow Foreign Office advice.

Your DC are not prohibited from making the trip, are they? It’s just a party for adults. Your DH ought to be able to share child care arrangements with his brother or arrange something through him. If your DC are very shy of strangers this might take some thought, or you might miss the party itself but at least you could be in South America having a nice holiday!

If presented properly, there is every chance your DS would enjoy celebrating his 3td abroad, with cousins you have been talking up. (He can have a party at a different time if you like) The baby will be fussed over by everyone.

I’ve been on several long haul flights lately where the DC have done very well. And the time difference may only be 3 hours.

Still, it’s a long way. Only you know if your family is up for the trip. No one should judge you if you aren’t.

Just to add my agreement - don't go. You don't want to leave two very small children and you don't want to miss your DC birthday. South America is too much of a distance in an emergency.
Apart from anything else, it'll be expensive. Your DH really needs to listen to you and understand your concerns.

I've travelled a little and am chill about thus stuff, but no, I wouldn't have left the kids at those ages for so long. I'd also be very worried about the grandparents coping.

I also feel for the GPs, who would be looking after two very small children, parents a VERY long way away and children who've hardly ever even stayed overnight? That's too much to put on other people, the children will be distressed and it's too far for too long.

BIL will have to suck up the disappointment. I suppose DH could go, if he was willing, but it's a bit much all round really.

I wouldn’t prioritise my BIL’s birthday over my child’s birthday, no.

This is one of many times in your life when your children will have to take priority over your husband, and rightly so, because that should always be the case.

If he doesn't realise/accept that he shouldn't have become a father!

No way José

i might now that my kids are high school age but at those ages not a chance

send dh

It’s a no from me from a GParent. It’s too big an ask of grandparents, however young and active they are. We looked after 2 little GC for a weekend when their parents went to a wedding and it was so exhausting. The little one was about 12 months and woke regularly crying in the night, the 3 year old was crying for mummy and we had to dole out the calpol when one got a fever. A week would have been a nightmare . Now they are 5 and 7 and it’s easier but it’s still exhausting to have them overnight as they get up at the crack of dawn, want entertaining all the time etc.

Its an invitation not a summons. You are an adult, if you don't want to go then don't go. I wouldn't.

Agree with this. You are an adult. He can still go. You not going is your choice and they don't need to take it personally.

Why do some people make birthdays their entire personality 🙄