AIBU not to go to brother-in-law’s 40th holiday because of kids and my own reservations?

I personally wouldn’t leave our children that little for so long or for so far away.

we went to a wedding for 3 nights which was a 3 hour drive away but that’s as far as I was willing to go, it was dh’s cousins wedding.

I wouldst have gone out the country and definitely wouldn’t have gone to another continent and missed my child’s birthday.

I wouldn’t go. Your children are too young and although I’m sure they would be fine physically with grandparents, you wouldn’t enjoy yourself anyway because you’d be worrying the whole time.

But I wouldn't mention the birthday or the crime rate as justification - in my opinion they sound daft and weaken your case.

YANBU. My kids are older than yours and I wouldn’t go

I understand not wanting to leave them for a week in that age.

Not going because it would mean postponing the 3yo's birthday celebration by free or four days sounds really lame.

I understand some people "take birthday seriously", but to the rest it sounds weird.

What I mean by that - if you decide to not go, just explain you can't leave that young children so far away for so long, but for a peace in family, don't use the birthday as a main part of the excuse (or preferably not at all).

@Cary88 how remote? What is the travel time for what is essentially a long weekend?

Yanbu. I wouldn’t have wanted to leave my children for that long when they were that young, no way.
Also if something serious happened you’re so far away and wouldn’t be able to get back quickly.
And their birthdays are really important to me, whether they’re old enough to realise the date or not. Stand up to your husband and do what’s right for you.

Ultimately, you don't want to do this, so that would be a lot of effort and expense wasted, really. I know the kind of resort you mean, so your children wouldn't exactly be nearby.
Just talk to your DH, explaining what you've said on here.

That's very much her problem! What a long feud.

There is absolutely no way I would go - kids are way too young and I certainly wouldn’t miss my 3 year olds birthday. Your husband needs to give his head a serious wobble.

I cannot imagine having the self importance to expect people to stump up for transatlantic flights, leave their small children for close to/a week, miss one small child's birthday, leave grandparents holding the fort all for my (adult) birthday. Genuinely breathtaking imo!

Yes. I know.
No-one can dictate if a trip is child free!
Taking children long distance for them to be in childcare with strangers isn't everyone's choice, either in terms of money or parenting.
Before you say "they might not be strangers!", they're not exactly familiar.

I usually have no issues leaving my DS at home with someone I trust if I’m given the opportunity to travel but I wouldn’t miss a birthday.

I am normally relaxed about this sort of thing, I have left my child with grandparents on a number of occasions, however I wouldn't agree to something that would fall over his birthday. We make a big deal of birthdays is our house, and at age 3, a child is definitely aware.

He's supposedly an adult man, he should be able to cope with the fact his sil might not be there, or even his b for that matter. As I said up thread about destination weddings etc. 'It's only the cost of the flights' so what? Not everyone wants to or could afford it.

Whoa, that's mad, YANBU! I wouldn't leave a 3 year old and an 18 month old for a week, that's completely insane. The baby won't understand why you've suddenly disappeared.

Don't do it, your DH can go by himself.

And????

DC in accommodation are free or cheap.
There is no indication that BIL is planning to exclude children from anything other than a party for adults.

Sounds lovely. They didn't do live streaming 20 years ago but even if they did, my sister wouldn't have done it. She was furious that I chose to stay at home with my 3 under 5. She didn't have children.

@poetryandwine but BIL is paying/sorting accommodation and I assume planning stuff around the birthday party

The party, not necessarily the trip

I wouldn't go and I'd tell DH that he shouldn't go either and make it clear it's because of your DS's birthday.

I understand why you haven't said which country but they vary quite a lot in political stability so depending on which country it is it might be an option to say 'sorry, can't travel without the kids over DS's birthday but can come another time with the whole family'. The flights will be the biggest percentage of the cost so BIL paying for accomodation is neither here nor there.

We didn't go to America for my d's wedding, she's living out there, it was facetimed to us. Apart from the cost h hates flying and I've got no wish to visit the states. She was the one who suggested it as it was a very quiet low key affair.
Everything worked out well and she was happy 'we were there' especially when the preacher said "Wellies junior's parents can't be with us today but they are watching on live stream from England. Hi guys over across the pond." And waved, not a dry eye in the house😓

I want my children to always know they were my priority

You can still have / need a break away from your DC and they remain your priority, many couples with young DC have breaks away mainly for their sanity You don't want to go somewhere far away which is fair enough but you don't need to be with your kids 24/7 to ensure they know they are priority in your life.

@Conniebygaslight - how self absorbed would you have to be, to bear a grudge after all this time, including a divorce! Crazy.

When people move aboard it's like hen /stag /weddings they can't expect everyone to attend due to cost /child care/ don't want to.
H can go on his own with his big boy trousers and as for for your bil, sil etc if they want to sulk and tantrum let them. It's only a birthday party after all aboard for a couple of days. It would be a firm no from me leaving such young kids too and I certainly wouldn't take them with me.