AIBU to think rewarding children for high grades is unfair?

Of course you can!

I mean my dd got a meal out on GCSE results day to celebrate with just me and her dad and no younger siblings. It was already booked but if she had been very disappointed we wouldn’t have gone - but that would have been down to her and her perception of success.

My ds is very academic but just lazy. The difference between an A and A* is motivated by money for him. So we reward him for that. Not sure what business it is of anyone else’s ??

They were probably always going to do that - they would have had to book it in advance surely?

Silly idea to make things contingent that aren’t really.

I like to reward if someone has tried their best, even if the grades are not top notch, they can get a reward for effort.

It's encouraging to recognise someone has done as well as they are able.

Can we not celebrate success anymore?! JFC!

In a way. We don’t really choose our traits and aptitudes (even traits like conscientiousness / effort that are usually seen as fair to reward).

But our society rewards mainly by results, and that’s probably for the best (tends to be seen as fair, relative to egalitarian or hereditarian alternatives, and also incentivises productivity and risk taking).

So in moderation with children I think it’s fine or healthy: some children thrive on it, and it reflects how society works.

I wouldn’t do it if I had children of very different abilities, or if seemed to be sapping their love of the subject / the effort.

I have not done it but am contemplating it! My son is driven by money. All his teachers say if he put more work in he is capable of A’s in GCSEs I am so tempted to offer money reward but it just does not sit right as didn’t need to do it with DD🙈 as I didn’t need too.

I'll never forget the kid up the road getting promised a holiday if they passed the 11+, and then failing. Double disappointment. They were so heartbroken that their parents took them anyway, which I understand... but it did kind of defeat the point!
I think either reward the effort or do a surprise congratulations gift once the results are in.

I always rewarded effort over results.

We do. My Y6 gets something every term for good grades. I don’t see what this has to do with anyone else??

Why would you not just choose your own level to reward your DC, if you want to reward them at all. DC who is capable of getting an A gets rewarded for an A; DC whose ceiling is a C gets rewarded for a C.

But you don't have to link treats to specific outcomes. Nothing wrong with giving them a present 'for working hard' .

It depends. In general I think best to reward effort rather than attainment. My DD doesn’t get rewarded for routinely doing well at the things she finds easy. I did reward her for putting in some hard yards in a subject she found very hard.

You don’t want to set expectations that a reward will be automatic on reaching a certain metric as you risk getting into an arms race where they seek constant rewards for stuff that should be default.

But every now and then it doesn’t hurt to show them the link between hard work and success.

All dc are different. If you have a dc capable of 8s and 9s but isn’t bothering, then a reward might encourage them to knuckle down. If they’re no where near that ability then there’s no point. I think different dc need different parenting and parents know their own dc.

That sounds very transactional.

In this house it’s - if you pass/ get whatever grading, you get the certificate 😂

Have never thought to reward their music or drama grades in my life!

But the reward for academics is the grades in themselves which go on to open more doors and opportunities than lower grades.

i do think every parent/ parents can make their own decisions about what to do though!

If my dc said to me “X gets rewarded per grade” I’d just say “we don’t do that in this family”

I don’t pull out those kind of “no discussion” statements often so when I do, they know I mean it.

I didn't say it was unfair to me.

I rewarded dance & music exams with the following:
if you get a Pass we’re quits.
if you get a Merit, you receive half the exam fee as your reward.
if you get a Distinction, you get the exam fee as a reward.
if you fail, you owe me the fee.
it most certainly focused the minds, notably with their attitude to practising scales.
It cost me a bloody fortune but between them they have some impressive grade exam results .

Fair enough. But still not unfair to you if others choose to reward something you don’t choose to reward!

Rewarding effort is key but something to remember is that academics id listen the only area we say this in. If you work hard at your musical instrument but are beaten by others then you’re not getting in the show. For some reason we’re much more likely to be disturbed by this when it comes to academics. Kids who are academic deserve to receive awards for their success just as much as sorry kids or musical kids. We’re often inclined to play down academic achievements while announcing sporting outcomes. It can be quite unfair
.

It's not something I would do, mainly because what happens if a child has worked really hard but still didn't do well in the exam? Not giving them a reward feels like really rubbing it in that they didn't do well.

We rewarded exam results financially, per GCSE.

Then for all A grades at A level the offer was a decent car.

If you don’t want to because it seems unfair because you have a disparity with what your children can achieve then that’s your moral choice. I mean you could reward for predicted grades which is the level the teachers think is achievable.

It's not something I would do, mainly because what happens if a child has worked really hard but still didn't do well in the exam? Not giving them a reward feels like really rubbing it in that they didn't do well.

Oh dear god, why is it UNFAIR if other parents choose to do something?

what is UNFAIR about it that affects you?

hint: nothing.

reward (or don't) your own children as per your own values/choices & leave others to do the same.

Personally rewarded for attitude & effort but if Jane blogs rewarded for results it made NO difference to us.