AIBU to think rewarding children for high grades is unfair?

I hate to break it to you, but this is how the real world works. You don’t get participation trophies or working twice as hard as everyone else to meet the same outcomes awards.

You, of course, can reward whatever you want. Our secondary school one gets cash if she gets no negative behaviour points or detentions. It works. In 2 years, she’s gotten 1 negative point ever - for rolling up her skirt and it lost her £40. Hasn’t happened again! But the real world rewards people who produce results and that is part of life. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to teach.

I rewarded my children for the effort they put in, not the results.
Both my children studied so hard for their GCSEs and A levels.

My first job was an apprentice Travel Agent at Lunn Poly. For every sale I made, I earned commission- the more valuable the booking, the more commission I earned.

I then was a sales agent in a call centre. The more sales I made, the more commission I earned.

My current job I get a performance bonus every year. It’s a lot of money. I find the job easy, I still get the bonus.

Were those commissions/bonus’ wrong?

I will reward my son, for his performance. Sometimes in life, reward, particularly monetary is an excellent motivator and if money motivates my son to achieve then so be it. Money certainly motivates me! And thats half the battle with teens isn’t it? Motivation?

My parents did this. Money for As but nothing for anything less! Because they knew we could get As, but both me and my sister did well at school so they knew they weren’t being fair to one or the other. We both got straight As, but I would have been gutted if I didn’t regardless of any money, that was a nice bonus. I got money when I finished my degree as well but they didn’t tell me it would happen I found out afterward, and that was nice. My dad worked his arse off to come from nothing and wanted us to succeed, so I can’t blame him for wanting to motivate and reward us doing well.

I have always rewarded for them hitting their targets, their targets are both very different, one was very bright (now gone through uni) the other has severe SEN’s and is in specialist provision. Dd2’s targets maybe learning to cross a road whilst her sisters may have been getting a A in an exam.

It’s fine to reward, what isn’t fine is only rewarding those who are very high academic achievers. Because like you say….it’s more about how hard they are trying.

My dad said he would give me £100 for every A and A star I got. I achieved all A’s and A stars I in the end, but I would have even without the financial incentive because i was naturally academic and pretty motivated to do well.

DS isn’t super academic, so to encourage him studying, we told him we’d give him £100 for every grade that met his predicted grades. He got above all of his predicted grades in the end, but he certainly wouldn’t have without the incentive because he wasn’t as motivated as I was.

I don’t think it’s unfair.

I don’t explicitly reward
for grades because my child already puts enough pressure on herself.

i don’t think there is anything wrong with a parent offering an incentive of it will help their child. Society rewards excellence in other areas. A distinct reward for academics isn’t going to do any more harm than a trophy for sport.

I’m a big believer in celebrating success. Exam results, new jobs, promotions etc. But success is personal and individual. If the person in the family worked hard and feels proud of their achievement that counts as success. It doesn’t matter if it’s better or worse than another family member.

You can choose to reward your kids however you want.

However some of us who are academically 'gifted' still work hard to get the grades we did, and those who didnt achieve as much often did not work as hard. Its not 1 size fits all.

Surely that's the same in other things that it's acceptable to praise for results.

If I did well in tennis, I moved up ratings, and got prizes/ trophies for winning tournaments. If I moved up ratings it opened doors and opportunities for better tennis games etc.

Ditto music exams. When dd2 passed her grade five it meant she moved up a level at orchestra then was eligible to go on tour etc.

What's the difference?

I have a very bright, able child, but he's lazy. He is however very motivated by money. He's getting £50 for every A the gets in his exams, £25 for a B, nothing for a C because if he gets Cs something has gone very wrong, maximum earnings for him £400. It will certainly motivate him to get his head in the books!
Next year it will be £100 for every A, max earnings £500. He needs those 5 As for his chosen uni course.

What I do with my child is up to me, what other parents do is up to them. I can afford the big rewards like a car, but this I can. If they can afford to reward results with a car then go for it.

I didn’t reward my dc specifically but that was my choice. My dc’s reward was stuff for university

As a parent with 2 DDs one working above expected standards and one working towards expected standards, I feel this is unfair as my children who is working towards expected standards is probably working 2x as hard as my child who it naturally comes easier too

This makes zero sense @TheLivelyCat .
You set the expectations and rewards for your own children as individuals. You can reward your high achieving child AND your hard working meeting expectations child for their own personal achievements.
You need to stop worrying about what others do - the real issue you have is how to manage and acknowledge the different potentials of your children without upsetting either one, which is totally understandable.

We also went for dinner after exams and again after results.

my eldest is very academic we told him
he’d get a tenner for each A at N5, fiver for a B and a C and £20 for each A at higher, tenner for a B and a C. He got all As so £70 for N5 and £100 for higher. Nothing like a car or anything like that! He has friends who got £100 for an A, £50 for a B etc. I think that’s bonkers personally but up to them.

my youngest has ASD so he’s struggled and in the end he got the same as his brother for passing them all. It didn’t seem fair for him to get less.

I agree, I think the reward should be when exams are finished and they have studied hard and done their best, not after results.

So don't offer your DC rewards? I don't see how it affects you what other parents do.

I referred to it as a"performance related bonus" but really how I parent does not matter to you, it worked well for my dc, and if I had other children, I would do it again.

Top execs get a bonus for good results, part of life. I gave all my kids money for their results, usually it was Xmas and birthdays nothing in between, it was a reward really for alway attending school, good behaviour, paying attention in classes and the revision done, that led to good results, years of hard work. They all 100% deserved it.

If you think it’s unfair, then don’t do it. No one is saying you have to.
If other parents want to, then it’s up to them - not your business.

We only have 1 ds but we did reward him after his GCSE's and A Levels but we didn't promise anything in advance or even hint he would get a reward as that may have resulted in disappointment if he didn't do as well (or bankrupted us if he did lol)

I presume anyone with more than one child can adapt the reward system to meet the child

There is no law that says how it is done why do people think there is only one way?

Is it a reward? Or encouragement to carry on trying?

I reward achievement, because it motivates mine to keep plugging away. It gives them something to strive towards. It puts a high value on education.

Having said that, I would also reward effort and regardless of outcome, if I knew they tried their hardest, I’d be proud.

Depends. If they make the effort then get high grades, fair enough

I reward effort so we go out after exams have finished, independent of results as long as they have tried their best that is all I ask.