Why do people feel ok to extend their stay / outstay their welcome? And how to handle it .

We had a mate who we agreed to put upon our student house for a couple of nights. After a week we stating jokingly/hinting saying 'don't you have a home to go to?' I'm the end we had to tell him.that we don't mind letting him sleep here after a pary but its not a hotel, its our home. He got the message.

They’re THAT type of people who just doesn’t/ignores huge hints!! 😩 It’s infuriating as you’ve pretty much already tried what others suggested. Your only option left now is to be blunt I think.
People are guessing it’s your in laws? Can you confirm the relationship with these people so perhaps make it easier for people to suggest other ways to handle it?
They sound like they hate the thoughts of the journey home so drag it out as long as possible. You’ve no choice, I think the way things sound you’re just going to have to sit them down and have a serious conversation about boundaries to them. Explain to them respectfully that you love them and love having them visit but you also get overwhelmed with the length of time they stay and from now on you’ll prearrange the times prior to their visit and you’re sticking to it. I do think sending them home at 11am is a bit early, I personally hate rushing out after getting up and having breakfast so I think 1pm is a fair compromise, they’ve time for breakfast and lunch if they want and then leave and if they suggest later just smile and say no sorry if we start that it’ll be back to the same so I’d rather we stick to what we originally agreed. You’ve tried everything so just time to properly explain and set your boundaries and stick with it.

Then there is always the chance they'll suggest staying at your house in your absence .......

I really don't like MN clichés, but I think this is one occasion when it's worth reminding you, OP, that, as so many people here are fond of observing, "Fuck off out of my house, you irritating, parasitic chancers" is a full sentence.

I think you have been socialised to be polite and pleasant and put everyone else's needs before your own. Now is the time to break free of that! Be blunt: when they said, 'can we stay tonight, as we don't fancy the drive', just say, 'no.' If you feel you must expand, say, 'no, but there's a Travelodge at x, if you feel you can't drive all the way home in one go.' Remember, THEY are the ones being rude by outstaying their welcome.

Quickly book a trip for yourself somewhere where they can't follow you

Practice saying in front of the mirror: that doesn't work for us. No explanations, no apologies, no follow ups.

'We will want to leave on Monday as it's such a long drive.'
'That doesn't work for us' - and just wait.

If they are too gauche to get it after that there's no hope.

Pretty much this OP. Some people are takers and you need to be very specific with them.

I've had someone ask to come for Easter, then stayed for a week.
It meant we didn't get any holiday time to ourselves before going back to work.

You have to spell it out.

Who are these people who are being so rude. Are they inlaws on your husbands side?

I think that next time they ask to visit you say no and explain that it's because they always stay longer than they say they will and you can't have that any more. If they argue then you could say "We can give it one more chance but if you ask to overstay again, that's the end".

For a three hour drive, i would expect them to stay until Monday. Two or three nights is fine for parents

any longer than 4 is too much

I'd be completely open and say that I want / need the time to get the house in order and, with the working week being so busy, I must have some time to myself before the Monday grind starts. When people stay beyond that time it has a bad knock-on effect for the week.

@JustSittinHereChillin I totally get this. Earlier in the thread is mentioned my SIL, who lacks any self awareness, and she (and her DP) recently visited for the weekend, arriving at around 6pm on Friday evening and she was still here on Monday lunch time. DH and I both work FT and we were exhausted. Just having to be 'on' all the time is actually hard work! Getting zero downtime between two working weeks took some recovering from

So much this.

Whilst "no" is a whole sentence works in some situations, family relationships are far more nuanced. And some people are just really not with it.

My approach would be to agree times of arrival and departure ahead of the visit. I wouldn't bugger around making up excuses about being busy - I think that's almost as bad. If they wanted an explanation, I'd be completely open and say that I want / need the time to get the house in order and, with the working week being so busy, I must have some time to myself before the Monday grind starts. When people stay beyond that time it has a bad knock-on effect for the week.

If an extension was requested and I didn't want to acquiesce, I'd remind them about the time I need to myself being the reason it won't work.

If they tried to push back on that, I'd turn it around on them - I need my space and know you love me so I know you wouldn't want to start my week off on the wrong foot. I know you'll understand. It's been lovely seeing you and I look forward to the next time.

That sort of vibe. I don't believe in being dishonest. Be genuine. Explain. Reinforce how lovely it is to see them but you always ask guests to go by whenever because you know you need that personal time before the week starts. They can't take it personally, that way, they are ultimately told it's your preferred way of living in your own house. No one has a right to argue / disagree with that.

If, having done all that, they still try to push boundaries then it's fair game to be more direct without fear of repercussions. I have explained why I need this time, and you've not listened to me, which I find quite disrespectful / hurtful. It's disappointing but because you don't appear to respect me / my time, after I've tried really hard to explain what I need in my own home, it's a no to visits or you must absolutely be gone by time and, if you don't, we'll just have to forgego visiting.

Ha. No. FO

Hi we have lots of family and friends to stay and we, in return, stay at theirs. However, we always start with dates and times of arrival and leaving. Everyone needs to know the boundaries, especially the host. Issue them with a written itinerary before they come next time! And stick to it.

Frankly, they pull that shit once and they are never staying again. Don’t be a doormat ask them to leave. When they leave change the locks (cheap and easy to do yourself) in case they ‘borrowed the spare’. They obviously don’t give two hoots about you or they would have taken the hint.

If they ever ask or hint again say no, just no, not happening. I would even be worried about letting them in as visitors in case they bring their suitcase.

I would be talking very loudly on Sunday afternoon about my Sunday evening/monday morning plans! They sound rather rude :(

A weekend is 3 nights Friday - Monday if you only want them to stay 1 night tell them that. But honestly I think it's really shitty to expect them to do a 6hr round trip for 1 night!

I too find this extremely tricky to navigate - when they are family you are close to and cherish but seem to frequently stay longer than you’d like. Firstly, start saying “let me check (diaries / with DP etc) and get back to you” - so you are establishing a boundary right from the get go, and staying at yours is not a right. Then, you can come back to them and say “these dates work for us”. Try to ensure you’re always in the driving seat. I’ve made this mistake and am also trying to claw back control while also not wanting to damage the relationship. Playing host for too long is tiring and can disrupt routines, so you’re well in your right, as is setting any other expectations during their stay if it’s more than a night or two e.g. I’ll need help with the dinner, or can someone help me wash up?

This is why I don't have a spare room

Don't you think its breathtakingly rude to just assume you can stay another night, then the entire following morning?

Who does that? I can't get my head around it.

And I don't think it's the 2 nights that's the problem, so much as 'for the weekend' doesn't include until Monday afternoon. Most people would assume Fri and sat night = weekend.

But tbh honest OP does need to just be honest with them. Its possible that they are very thick skinned and don't take hints. They might be mortified to realise what an inconvenience they're being (clutches at straws). I do think you can't really complain about someone's behaviour if you haven't clearly told them you don't like it.

I always ask what time are you arriving/leaving so I know what meals to plan.
And the 1 time someone asked to stay an extra night i just said no sorry. No is a complete sentence and its hard to argue with as you've not given them a reason. And you just have to repeat if they do try to argue. I'm very sorry but no. Never give a reason so they can't solve the problem.

The OP needs to be rude as the "guests" are also being rude and not responding to polite hints and comments.