Second Mother's Day since my mum died. Fiancé left me alone all day.

I think YABU about Mother’s Day. If you know this is going to bother you it’s your job to communicate to your partner in advance. “Can we do something together on Mother’s Days as it will be a difficult day and my family aren’t arranging a gathering this year. “

However the nocturnal behaviour would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn’t be in an adult relationship with someone who regularly stayed up all night and slept in the day. If it’s a one off then fair enough but I suspect it’s not.

So sorry about your mum, what a terrible loss, you're not unreasonable at all to feel whatever way you do and I hope your partner offers more support in future

Does your partner actually know how you feel? If he's never celebrated mother's day with his mum and hasn't yet got a child to help celebrate their mother, then Mother's Day is just another, ordinary day,

I mean, he’s shown you that you are not a priority. Is that’s the life you want?

You need to be clearer with him if you need support and what that looks like. You were expecting him to mind read.

You do sound extremely callous.

Agree with this. He didn't want to deal with your sadness, or didn't feel able to do so, so he avoided you completely Op. This is a red flag for the future, you'll always be doing the hard times by yourself. If you want DC he's not the man for you

I'm another one who thinks YABU about Mother's Day and I write as someone who's Mum died last year so I've just had my first Mother's Day without her. However staying up all night gaming would piss me off.

Raise your standards not your tolerance.

Everyone is picking up on the gaming, but the bigger issue, I think, is you said he has no empathy. Why would you ever consider being with a man who doesn't have empathy?

The OP did communicate her needs.

First of all, sorry for your loss but you need to communicate your needs.

I look back and realise I probably did nothing to recognise the grief my DH was going through on various milestones after his mum died - it’s just not in my dna to think that random days are significant. I don’t get especially sad on my late dad’s birthday or Father’s Day - why would I? Grief doesn’t work like that for me, I low level miss him every day and more at funny moments that would have meant something to us both.

It’s not that ‘men don’t think’ or ‘maybe he’s neurodivergent’. Maybe he’s just not wired like you and can’t read your mind. If he’s generally thoughtless and selfish, that’s a different matter. That’s a relationship issue.

I’m aghast that you can find a ‘man’ like this attractive. Staying up all night gaming would give me the permanent ick. Bet he watches porn too. Ugh.

I'm sorry for your loss, and think your partner is out of order.

Lack of empathy is not an trait of autism though, and when males are selfish it's not a sign they're autistic.

Honestly it would be more about the pointless staying up until 10am than anything else for me. He could have given you support had he been awake at any time during the day.

An autistic adjacent man who is not taking care of his own primary basic needs for sleep is likely an autistic man who won’t be able to meet the complex needs family life brings and will burn out.

He already did not step up today when you were looking for support. My husband is autistic and we had some tough years when the kids were young and his autism impacted some of family life but he learned and adapted incredibly and I would not have been able to continue if he couldn’t because family life had a lot of challenges.

Today was a red flag. If there are many more you need to consider your situation.

You indicated to him you wanted some support / company. You asked him to get up for dinner. Instead he gamed until the morning and went to bed for the day?? That suggests to me he actively chose to do this as a way of getting out of having to spend time with you. On a day that you were finding hard.

that for me is the issue. This is not a man you can rely on to be a true partner through ups and downs.

I don't think I could marry someone who does this. My other half will sometimes stay up too late at the weekend but if I woke him up, he certainly wouldn't be 'pissed off and grumpy' like you have said OP. He'd be good natured about it, esp if I took him a cuppa.

To be pissed off and grumpy because you expected him to be a normal, functioning adult who didn't stay up til 10am gaming is controlling and manipulation. Doing what he wants without any regard to being with you at the weekend is selfishness. He doesn't sound very mature or very kind.

Sorry about your mum OP. Sadly though people rarely respect anniversaries other than the first one and you can't rely on that. I hope you could take some flowers to your mums grave if she had one, or perhaps next year do something to remember her that's just for you.

He's doing you a favour. Stay with him and this will be your life going forward. What are you going to do with that info?

You aren’t even married yet. This is supposed to be the part of the relationship where you are spending all the time you have together and he’s up all night with his internet friends and then not getting up for dinner.

If you do stay with him and he doesn’t get up for your best friends wedding or when your child has to go to A&E then he will be able to say that he showed you who he was before you committed to him.

Your future life as a parent with him has car crash all over it. Take heed.

He will not be father of the year and your emotional needs will not be met.

Another one here, Mothers Day isn't the issue, the gaming is!

IME men need things spelt out so
hinting you might need support or expecting him to infer that you do might not get you what you need. Better to ask directly. Like others, i think the fact he gamed throughout Saturday night and slept through Sunday is definitely a problem. You don’t mention your ages. Are you in a particular rush to marry this particular man? He’s not sounding great from how you’ve described him.

The gaming addiction (or whatever else he’s watching…) is a problem. Dont have kids with this man. He won’t help you enough and without your mum to help you will be doing it all. Sorry but this is your wake up call not to spend your life on him

The Mother's Day stuff wouldn’t bother me at all, but the all night gaming would, whatever day it was. All sounds a bit “ teenage boy” to me.

Sorry, another one here with an issue re the gaming.

Don't marry this man or you'll be writing on here, in 5 years, the exact same scenario but with two toddlers in tow.

Nightmare.